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Stressed and anxious

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  • November 19, 2025 at 11:10 am #451951
    anita
    Participant

    Dear q:

    I feel like reaching out to you, through this computer screen and hushing, calming the Stressed and anxious q.

    “I feel like giving up even though idk what giving up means.”- how about giving up on any and all the pressure you (and others) have placed on you, allowing yourself to just be.. To not earn the right to be calm and in peace, but to just take what’s always been your right: to be calm, to allow yourself peace of mind.

    You deserve it, q!

    🤍 Anita

    November 19, 2025 at 12:17 pm #451953
    q
    Participant

    I want to go back to the past and make the right moves, say the right things so I don’t end up in this position. I’m always in a cycle of being hopeful and going back to wanting to give up. I’m quite calm on the surface but everything inside me is brewing and idk how to move forward.

    November 19, 2025 at 1:48 pm #451959
    anita
    Participant

    Dear q:

    The past is a no re-entry zone, as you already know (to one extent or another).

    We are in the positions we’re in, and NOW what?

    Have mercy on q, sh…sh…Calm that brewing..

    Before you move forward- be okay first, be okay with where you’re at.

    Q, a human being; Anita, a human being.. No god-perfection among us, us humans..

    🤍 Anita

    December 1, 2025 at 10:57 am #452421
    q
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    how are you?

    Anyway, just an update, the chances of reconciliation are officially zero and the door has been closed. I knew this would be the outcome but I’m still feeling numb. I’m still feeling numb and bad even though the break up was months ago and now I just had the final nail in the coffin.

    If I could turn back time, I would not hold on and move on completely as hard as that sounds. All my friends told me I dodged a bullet but I’m still unhappy.

    December 1, 2025 at 11:05 am #452422
    q
    Participant

    I know I should move on but I’m not sure how to do that and I can’t really move forward at the moment. Any tips or advice or kind words could be of great help. Thank you.

    December 1, 2025 at 5:01 pm #452433
    anita
    Participant

    Dear q:

    I am better than I was earlier in the day, thank you for asking.

    My tips/ advice: allow yourself to feel better by simplifying your thinking. Replace complicated thinking (ex., “If I could turn back time”)- which makes moving on difficult- with: Time cannot be turned back. And then think accordingly to this simple fact of life.

    My kind words: You are a good person, q. You don’t deserve to suffer unnecessarily. Have mercy for yourself. Exercise empathy for you 🙂

    🤍 Anita

    December 1, 2025 at 8:07 pm #452440
    q
    Participant

    I’m feeling a little strange. I’m all out of tears, I’m not particularly sad anymore. I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling. I know I should move on and focus on things about my own life. I can’t help but feel like I wasted my time, disrespected myself. Yes i think what i’m feeling is this whole situation isn’t fair but life is never fair.

    December 1, 2025 at 9:17 pm #452442
    anita
    Participant

    Dear q: I’ve been there.. feeling strange, estranged… Easy, q. It’s okay. You’re okay… sh.. (calm), you’re a good person, you deserve pace of mind.

    I’ll be back to you Tues morning (it’s Non night here)

    🤍 Anita

    December 2, 2025 at 3:54 am #452448
    q
    Participant

    Genuine question, how do you know i’m a good person?

    And after some reflection, I know that my ex isn’t good for me and I should be happy that it has ended. However, some part of me is wants her back and it’s so silly and irrational. I know that it’s kinda impossible or at least it would take A LOT of effort to fix the break up and have a healthy functional relationship with her again. I know that it’s not going to work long term again, but why do i still want her back even though i know it doesn’t make sense?

    December 2, 2025 at 8:03 am #452452
    anita
    Participant

    Dear q 🙂

    1st question: “how do you know I’m a good person?”-

    1) The way you treated me from the first time you submitted a post for me and ever since”

    q: “I notice you comment a lot here and leave a lot of kind messages when people need it. You have a good heart!!… Your kind words mean a lot to me. I spent some time rereading everything you wrote so I could internalize it. Thank you for taking the time to write.” (June 16)

    “Hello Anita, I hope you are doing well! You mentioned that you had some suggestions for a grounding exercise. Could you please share them with me? Thank you!” (June 18)…

    “Genuine question, how do you know I’m a good person?” (Dec 2)- you honor me by trusting me with this question.

    2) After the breakup, you wrote: “I still care very much for her and hopes she’s doing well.” (Sept 18). You were hurt but you didn’t turn bitter/ vengeful, and still wished her well

    3) Guilt. q: “And to be honest, I still have some trouble overcoming the guilt I have. After doing some introspection post break up, I acknowledge and understand the fault I have in the break up and it makes me feel primarily responsible. And also because of that, the man inside of me wants to fix things and make things right, which makes it even harder to let go.” (Sept 22)

    Bad people rationalize their bad behavior and externalize blame (blaming and abusing someone who is not guilty), but you’ve never blamed her or anyone else.. but yourself.

    2nd question: “why do I still want her back even though I know it doesn’t make sense?”-

    I think that the answer, or part of the answer is in what you wrote here: “I think I find external validation stronger than internal validation” (Sept 19).

    Unable to adequately validate yourself as a good person.. you are still waiting for her to give you this kind of validation.

    Back on Sept 22, you wrote: “it brings me to the next cycle – Feel guilty – Want to fix things – Can’t let go of the past / thoughts are still lingering on the break up. Then it repeats itself.”-

    Maybe you are (still) waiting for her to restore your belief that you are a good person?

    🤍 Anita

    December 2, 2025 at 9:34 am #452462
    q
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    Hahaha thank you for your kind words.

    I think I did something unkind recently. It’s relevant to this thread. Basically, I found out that my ex is travelling with her ex and staying together while doing so. I reached out to confirm this in an accusatory and rather judgemental way. In other words, I could have definitely phrased it better but I guess emotions got the better of me and I casted my judgement which I believe is a very logical conclusion that they were together and possibly sleeping together. I fully acknowledge that it is none of my business at this stage and I should have definitely left her alone and she’s free to do whatever she wants. Anyway, she insists that nothing was going on between them and my message to her was unkind and uncalled for. I expressed my skepticism that nothing was happening between them due to the logistics of staying in an airbnb together with 1 bed etc and their history together. Anyway, looking back I don’t think what I said was unkind, maybe my accusation of them sleeping together was unkind.

    Q

    December 2, 2025 at 10:18 am #452470
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Q: I will read and reply by tomorrow 🙂

    Anita

    December 2, 2025 at 3:18 pm #452481
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Q:

    I said that you are a good person; I didn’t say you are a saint, Q.

    Hey, I am definitely not a saint. I am working on becoming a better and better human, it’s a process.

    I understand your skepticism, Q, the logistics of it, yes.

    “Anyway, looking back I don’t think what I said was unkind,”- I agree: you said nothing unkind.

    “Maybe my accusation of them sleeping together was unkind.”- you have feelings, Q, you are human, you are allowed to get angry when you feel that you’re being lied to.

    🤍 Anita

    December 2, 2025 at 7:36 pm #452490
    q
    Participant

    I think my response came off as passive aggressive. She sent a message basically attacking my character and it’s doing its job of making me guilty and feeling terrible of myself. I know i made some mistakes and apologized for them. I keep explaining myself and defending myself and I don’t know why im doing that, what point am i trying to prove, it doesn’t matter at this point anyway.

    December 2, 2025 at 7:59 pm #452492
    anita
    Participant

    It’s the pre-existing Guilt in you that keeps showing up.. guilt before you met her that get’s reactivated”

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