Hi Gregory,

I am so late for this post, it looks like anita has done a great job advising you!!

For what it’s worth, if you don’t want to divorce your wife because of cultural reasons, you don’t have to yet.

Stay legally married to her. Divorce her when your son is older and understands the situation.

However, I wouldn’t sleep with her without her getting tested. If she has in fact been sleeping around, you don’t want to get a sexually transmitted disease.

Don’t try to manipulate her into staying. Let her make that decision on her own. But I wouldn’t fight for her that hard. Just raise your son, that is your primary job!

Best,

Inky

* Gregory, please ignore the two lines after I my name (these are your lines that I copied as I responded to your post, but forgot to erase).

anita

Dear Gregory:

Thank you again for your kind words, I am smiling right now in appreciation of your words.

“what if she come and say I want to be (with) my son? When I had already lose appetite or interest in her?”-

-say NO.

“What do most women need on earth??? Is is a real love from a man who married her???”-

-we are all born loving and needing love, all boys and girls are born loving, heart soft and open, trusting their parents completely.

All of us get somewhat hurt by our parents, a bit, if not a whole lot. When we get hurt a lot, as children, our hearts become hard and closed. Some people’s hearts are still soft-enough, like your heart, Gregory, you are still loving, you still want to please others, you care about being kind to people.

But many people, their hearts have so little softness, too hard and too closed. Every person has moments when you can see softness, but there is too little of it. You may get confused by those moments and think- this person is loving!- but not so, these are only loving moments that you observe.

People with mostly hard and closed hearts, like your estranged wife, what does she “need on earth… real love from a man who married her?”-

-women with hard and closed hearts want such things as money, power, revenge, excitement, entertainment, opportunities to brag to others about what they own, and so forth.

So if your estranged wife comes to you (“what if she come and say I want to be (with) my son?”), it may very well be that she will want to have your son as something she owns, something to show off to others and brag about, and worse, she may want your son so to have power over him, it is easy to have power over a child. And she may want to have power over you, and mistreat you and your son.

A summary of my answers: a woman with a soft-enough,  open heart wants love from a man who will marry her. But a woman with a hard, closed heart wants power-over others, she wants to show off and brag, and too often, she wants to punish and take revenge for what happened to her long ago, when she was a child. (She will not punish her parents.. she will punish her husband and her children).

To the rest of your post: “a woman can’t be shared like a shoe or a food”- I understand and I agree, one woman- one man in a trusting, respectful and loyal, monogamous relationship. Make sure that in the future you know a woman well before you get involved with her, make sure her heart is soft-enough, and that she too believes in the same kind of relationship as you do.

Your son, Chris Agoth Gregory, in Nairobi- Kenya will be going to baby class never year. How exciting for him! His heart is still soft, isn’t it. Protect his heart so it doesn’t get hard and closed. Protect him from his own mother whose heart is hard and closed.

I don’t know anything about the legal proceedings where you live, but IF divorcing her is possible and IF it will protect your son (now and/ or later), do divorce her.

When you become a certified pilot, Chris Agoth Gregory will be thrilled to fly with his father as his first officer,  co-pilot at your right, in the cockpit!

“I want his mother one of the day pointing at her son saying that is my first born son flying Boeing 727..”- if his mother with a hard heart brags about her son flying an airplane, that is just bragging, no love in it. Don’t encourage that to happen.

And again, post anytime you would like and I will reply.

anita

Dear Gregory:

Your words touched my heart, being referred to”the world’s most perfect mother”, and then, “you are now my mother”, this is most affectionate on your part, and I am honored. Thank you!

“I will study the girl when I have the interest of dating others in the future”- wise choice.

“She is trying to go for a man who is having a lots of money in order to build a house for her mother according to what she said”- a girl trying to please her mother still, trying to buy her mother’s love with a house. See, her heart is open in the direction of her mother, but it is closed in your direction and in the direction of her own son. It is a strong force, this desire to finally get a parent’s love, it is a stronger attachment than any other.

Imagine this: you go to her, to  your estranged wife, and you tell her something like: I understand you are trying to buy your mother’s love, that you want her love more than anything, but look here: I love you! And look at this child, your child, he loves you! We have lots of love for you!-

– but it will not do for her. What is likely to happen is that if she lives with you, she will take your money and give it to her mother, try to build that house for her mother. She will take money away from her own son and give it to her mother. What a waste that will be, more waste than you already suffered. It will be a waste because she will never make her mother love her, she will keep trying and trying, taking away from you and your son.

“I thought she will join me and makes a progress of our life, because only two  people..”- problem is there is a third person, her mother, and your estranged wife’s heart is open to her mother on a regular basis (not only during a moment here and there, isolated moments when she may be open to  others, and then… close again).

“She is now in a deep  pain too! Due to missing her son!”- I don’t know if it is true, maybe you think it is because we imagine mothers needing their children, but it is far from being the case always, often, it is not. It is the child who needs the mother way more often than the mother needing the child.

Also be aware that what your estranged wife says is sometimes true and often, it is not true. It is difficult to know, in a mixture of truths and lies, where the truth is and where the lies. Better examine her behavior so to determine her truth, not accept her words. It is too easy to lie.

To determine if she means something she says, think: what may be her motivation? I will be glad to help you to determine her truth vs lies when in the future that will need to be determined.

anita

Dear Gregory:

You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes for me!

“she is buying her mother’s love.. and perhaps they are also in the same boat”- no, a child (of any age) chasing after a mother’s love is never in the same boat with the  parent. She is chasing something she thinks only her mother has. In her mind, her mother is very powerful.

“Can I just send her SMS message… and wait for the reply”- you are welcome to post to me what you want to write in that SMS message. Try your best to be very clear so that I can understand the message.

“what view do you see .. about this girl who is desperately in need of money all the time? Do you see future on her?”- you shared that she wants money so to buy a home for her mother. The future I see for you, if you get back together with her, is that she will take money from your son, deprive your son from what he needs, and give it to her mother.

“this girl does not go along with her mother manipulate sometimes”- if she is manipulated enough to send your money, the money that should go to your son and to your pilot school (so that you can earn money as a pilot), and give it to her mother, it is enough of a manipulation to make it a bad, bad plan for you to get back with her.

anita

Dear Gregory:

In your message to Ayong you tell her that she can come back to you anytime she wants to, that your door is open to her, and the only thing you ask her is to promise you to never leave her son “and go for another man”.

In page 1 of your thread you wrote to  me that you are done with Ayong.

You changed your mind then?

anita