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Struggling after break up

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  • #40847
    Buruberu
    Participant

    I am 27, single and working in London. I moved away from a smaller city and my family at 21, in order pursue a particular job. For the first few years I made good headway but was lonely in my personal life; either single or involved in something noncommittal. Last year, I met someone through work and we started a relationship, but after a short time it turned out he had a violent temper. I decided to keep seeing him based on his promises to change, but we fought constantly. More and more the emotional turmoil I was in took over my life, and at one point I lost a job contract because I was too distraught to go into work. Then, after 9 months, it came out that he had been engaged to somebody in his home country all along.

    I gradually broke it off, in the process realising how scared of him I’d become, and eventually told the police about the situation. Now it is nearly 3 months later and he is on bail with conditions not to contact me, and I know through social networking sites that his other girlfriend took him back.

    Having been unemployed for a while, I have found a temp job with a good company that is full time and just covers my rent, whilst my family and friends have been really supportive. However, with falling out of the industry I worked for so long to get into and emotionally working through the abuse and break up (and the depressed feelings that I think underpin everything), I sometimes feel I can’t cope. In these times I just want to ‘shut down’ and not have to think about my failures and weakness, or keep working to hold what’s left of my life together.

    I’d be really grateful if anyone has any advice on coping or changing my perception of things. Thanks so much for reading.

    #40856

    Hello Laura,

    Congratulations on finally realizing the damaging effects of this abusive relationship and breaking it off! I know it is hard to focus on the positive in your life, but it helps. You say you have a temp job with a good company and who knows where this might lead…several times in my career I ended up getting a good job as a result of temping.

    I have also been in abusive relationships and once away from them, decided to focus on me, not my ego but my soul-self. I started with forgiveness and once I was able to do this for myself and my abusers, I began to get to know and love myself. I don’t like to be told what to do so I try not to tell anyone else what to do either, but I do love to share. I write weekly blogs for my website and I have written a lot that may help you here: http://marilynpeaceseekers.com/

    I think you will find now, Laura, that you have asked for help, you are ready to change your perception and this is the first step in making this happen.

    Love and peace,

    Marilyn

    #40893
    Buruberu
    Participant

    Dear Marilyn, thank you for your reply and for sharing your website with me. I have started to read some of the posts and think we might have a similar background. The entries ‘depression’ and ‘self love/more on self love’ especially resonated with me so far, and I plan to re-read them.

    I hope you are right in that this is the beginning of changing my outlook; it feels like I have become very dissatisfied and distrusting with myself and I even rarely smile now, but I know I was in a better place with a lot of self belief before, and I really hope to rebuild that. I am trying to take care of myself and keep positive and mindful of what I have to be grateful for.

    If you think any of your other posts specifically would be useful to me please do let me know.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Buruberu.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Buruberu.
    #40899
    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    Hello Laura,

    I’m sorry to hear what you have been throw, what a difficult couple of years.

    I think you are looking at the situation in a negative way.

    Really you have achieved a lot. You got into a bad relationship but you got yourself out again. That takes a lot of strength and insight. You had a work set back, but you are overcoming that now, and you are supporting yourself. That takes courage and bravery.

    You’ve done all of this and you are not even 30.

    I don’t think any of us go through life without encountering some kind of problems. I think what makes us is how we respond to those challenges. You have shown that you have fortitude so if I were you I would take some satisfaction in that.

    I wish you happiness.

    #40913
    Buruberu
    Participant

    Thank you Buddhist Wife. Yes, when I am most stressed I am focusing on the negative impact of the setback, and not appreciating that everyone has setbacks and I have been able to come through this one. I think it won’t be straight away I can come round to a positive view, but I came to TinyBuddha because I believed it would help with that. Your words are really encouraging.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Buruberu.
    #40917

    Dear Laura,

    I am so glad you are finding some of my blogs helpful – yes, I do have one post in particular which comes to mind, that I think will resonate with you: A Different Story. My belief is that you are strong and will find your way to being more than who you believe you were in the past. Be kind to yourself, know you are loved and trust that all the support and guidance you need will come to you.

    Love and peace,

    Marilyn

    #41168
    Buruberu
    Participant

    Dear Marilyn, I just want to let you know I’m very grateful for your suggestion to me to read ‘A Different Story’. You are really inspiring; I have bookmarked the post and go back to it when I feel sad. Focusing on ‘opening my heart’ is new to me but I find it so effective in lifting myself back to positivity and realising just how lucky/blessed I am. Thank you so much.

    Laura

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