I have been in a situation similar to this where I met a new amazing guy but was stuck up on someone I used to love. I didn’t really get over the old guy until the new guy found out and threatened to leave. How would your new girlfriend feel if she saw that you still had feelings for your ex? She is the one who is with you, she is the one who is there. Your ex has new boyfriends and isn’t there. Your ex isn’t worth any of your attention, believe me. You say you want to get old with her and she is a good loyal girl, cherish her. She is the one who is there. I guess it is natural to still have feelings for past lovers but please do not let it get in the way of your new relationship and your happiness. I don’t know if there is any specific thing you can do to get over your ex, maybe block her, but for now all I can tell you is to take my words of advice. Also, your english is very good.

Hi Sebastiaan,

I am also Dutch AND I have had a similar situation where I had a relationship for 3,5 years with someone I met online while I actually was still heartbroken.  I think Im in a perfect position to give some advice.  So I fell in love with a guy I met on holiday and it was magical, love at first sight etc. However, this guy did not want a long-distance relationship and broke all contact. Then I met a guy online who made me think a lot about the guy that broke my heart. I also felt the chemistry and after months of messaging he came to visit me in Holland. Then we officially got in a relationship. However, even though I liked this ”new” guy very very much, the old one was still in my heart. However, I accepted the feeling that I loved someone else, and I have always trusted that if its meant to be, it will be. I have been in a relationships with the new guy for 3,5  (now we broke up), and I have enjoyed every single moment with him. Sometimes I thought of the old guy, but trust me if you are together with your new girl, the feeling will fade away slowly and you will be able to accept it. Just keep in mind that -especially with love- Whats meant for you, will always be yours. I succeeded in having a great realtionship for 3,5 years with someone I loved, now that we broke up, I realised he is not the person I want to marry, but hey, I still had a great time and wouldnt want to have missed a second. So my advice: go for the new girl, accept your feelings for the old girl and just give it go, see how it goes… if it won’t work, it won’t work, don’t force anything! Good luck!

Dear Sebastiaan:

It makes sense to have a week first meeting than an eight month first meeting. I hope it goes well for the two of you in that initial meeting. I suppose the two of you will have a better idea regarding your future following this coming visit.

I figure she knows of your inexperience, which you shared about in your original post. It will help you to know that she knows it is, and I hope she is understanding and that her expectations are congruent with this reality.

Be as honest, non pretentious as you can be, making the visit real, and you will be okay.

Regarding the other woman, she will not be part of your week visit, and so, if I was you, I wouldn’t communicate with her before or during this one week visit. Instead, focus on your upcoming visit. Focus on being true to yourself first, best you can, and do post again, anytime.

anita

Dear Sebastiaan:

I hope it works out for the two of you as well.

It is okay, by the way, for a man to feel affection, attraction and/ or desire for two women at any one time, or for three. It is not wrong or unnatural. As a matter of fact, if you look at nature, it is quite… natural. As humans we have the privilege of being able to make thoughtful choices. But the feelings, we can’t help what we feel. We don’t choose our feelings, and where there is no choice, there is no moral right or wrong.

It is what we thoughtfully choose to do that has such value.

And so, I hope you don’t try to not think of the other woman, or to not feel for the other woman. Let whatever you think and feel be what it is. Then thoughtfully choose. You are responsible only to what you choose, not to what you think and feel.

anita

Dear Sebastiaan:

I understand. You feel strongly about your current girlfriend and the two of you share similar values, unlike you and your ex girlfriend who was not there for you.

It is wise to choose a girlfriend/ life partner who shares your values and who is there for you in life.

Are you worried about that old craving you had for your ex girlfriend, worried to be carried away by your feelings… or are you bothered by guilt about  your past communication online with your ex girlfriend while in contact with your current girlfriend?

I will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. Hope to read from you when I return.

anita

Dear Sebastiaan:

I understand that you want to “be able to fully focus on (your) current girlfriend… to just focus on her and only love her”- but better you don’t expect that, to be able to do this that you want so badly.

I can’t order my brain to fully focus on this or that, no one can. Sometimes it happens that we do focus on one thing exclusively, but not when we anxiously order our brain to do so. The brain, when anxious, will go where we don’t want it to go.

So better, expect that your brain will wonder to where you don’t want it to wonder, and when it does, don’t get alarmed. It is natural for your brain to wonder, as all brains wonder.

Another focus in my reply to you this morning: you started your thread with a bit of a background of your childhood, your father beating you up a lot, both parents attending more to your sister than to you, your father cheating on your mother twice, the second time leading to their divorce. A childhood like this, being beaten a lot by itself, is damaging to a child, it injures a child. When you become an adult, being 21, those injuries do not disappear into the past. They are still there, in the brain. existing and activated in the forms of anxiety, depression, unjustified guilt, etc.

You will be taking this past to Korea, to this relationship, and to every new day in your life. The more aware you are of your past, of the injuries inflicted on you, the more you heal, the better you will be able to function. Be very gentle with yourself.

Your anxiety was probably caused by being beaten by your father. You feeling unjustified guilt may be related to your father cheating on your mother, you wanting to be unlike him. And so, maybe you feel like thinking about the other girl means you are cheating (it is not!)

Let me know your thoughts and feelings about this reply and I will write again, if you’d like.

anita