Struggling in relationship

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This topic has 22 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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December 13, 2017 at 11:04 am #181977

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sebastiaan:

In your understandable motivation to not be like your father, notice that you cannot be a complete opposite of him. There are some similarities your father has with any human being, be it the most faithful. And so, you cannot be a complete opposite. For example: he felt attraction to other women while being married to your mother. That part he couldn’t help and it is okay for you to feel whatever you feel as well. So don’t beat yourself up (!) for your feelings, whatever they are or will be.

It is scary to meet a person for the first time after a long distance, online relationship. And I do hope it goes well. Prepare for the possibility that it does not by imagining that if there is a significant problem that cannot be resolved, she can leave the hotel and you can stay in it. You can look online touristic activities you can do in that area alone, if things don’t work well.

This way you can relax a bit into that possibility so it is not as scary. This relaxing into the possibility that it will not work out will relax you and so increase the possibility that it will work out.

You wrote earlier that you and her had a lot of arguments but that those were resolved. Is there anything to look into in this regard, here, with me?

anita

December 13, 2017 at 11:46 am #181985

Sebastiaan
Participant

Yeah i understand i will have a few similarities with my dad. The part i don’t want to become is being bad for my (future) childs and cheating on my girlfriend.

I really really hope me and her will work out. I will find out on the 22th i guess. We call really often and video call. These always go well and we really talk like a matured couple who love each other. I will try to relax a bit by doing what you said and also by thinking positive. The arguments we always resolve together in a respectfull and mature way. The arguments come mostly because of the culture difference and the relationship inexperience.

December 13, 2017 at 12:05 pm #181989

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sebastiaan:

I like your resolution regarding being unlike your father, being good for your future child/ren and faithful to your wife.

“respectful and mature” resolution of conflict reads excellent to me. Like I wrote, I understand the anxiety, the mix of excitement and fear. If it helps, you can post here anytime, before the scheduled flight, during your stay there (hopefully you will not have the need or the time!) and after, and I will reply every time, when I am on the computer. I will now take a break and be back in about sixteen hours.

anita

December 13, 2017 at 12:45 pm #182003

Sebastiaan
Participant

Thank you Anita, you really helped me so much to clear some things up and get some things off my chest.

I will keep you updated regarding the meeting! 🙂

December 14, 2017 at 6:08 am #182129

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Sebastiaan. Looking forward to your updates.

anita

December 15, 2017 at 2:31 am #182263

Poppyxo
Participant

Hi Sebastiaan,
I too am a little confused about your situation, so will answer based on what I think I understand.
I feel that you’re caught up on your ex-girlfriend because although not healthy, maybe she was the first person following your abusive childhood that made you feel special, gave you attention & maybe made you feel loved? This connection, even if it was a little unstable, for a small time maybe made you feel a little more complete? Would you agree?
So losing that connection, & not with proper closure, may have reopened any feelings/wounds that may have hurt from childhood.

Regarding your current girlfriend, who you’ve yet to meet, I think you may be getting a little anxious about all the possible outcomes that can come of you meeting. But in reality, all you can do is take each day as it comes, & as Anita said, be open, honest & completely yourself. If you get on – great, if you don’t it’s not such a big deal, is it?

January 5, 2018 at 12:57 pm #185265

Sebastiaan
Participant

Hey all,

I feel like i need to share my story about what happened in Korea. For myself and also for other people who are struggling in long distance relationships too. From the first second i was in korea she guided me to the hotel. When i saw her the first time i felt so strange but so good too. I just wanted to be alone with her in hotel so we could talk freely. When we got to the hotel the love ignited. We both started cuddling and kissing. The first few days we just rested because i had a little trouble with the time difference. After those few days we went and did a lot of stuff. I saw some museums with her about korea’s history and we went to lots of tourist attractions. I barely had any time to update you guys or text with my mom (because she was really curious too).

Overall it was a great great time. Although we maybe had 1 or 2 little arguments we resolved them quickly and in a mature way. I now realise i really love this girl and should forget about my past. I love spending time with my girlfriend and i’m really excited for her to come here in march. Everything was worth it and i was really sad when i had to go. But she supported me when i felt sad the last day. She just said “we will be able to meet soon again, just think about that”. On the last day she got a message from the dutch embassy that her visa is acknowledged which lightens the sadness a little. It all felt like it was meant to be and we didn’t need to do any adapting. We both had a really great time and i’m happy that she will 100% be able to come here in march for a long long time. Also thanks to you guys for supporting me a little when i had doubts. I didn’t want to disturb my girlfriend with it because maybe she would just feel bad and doubt a lot. So thanks to all who helped me! 🙂

January 6, 2018 at 7:06 am #185337

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sebastian:

What a delightful update. I am glad you had a good time in Korea, a good visit with your girlfriend. What a delight indeed to have had that loving experience and to expect more of it, in person, in three months. Do post again, anytime.

anita
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