hmmm…..so are you saying you want to have sex with your husband ? wondering why that physical/mental act is important while you are having a satisfying sex life with your lover.

I have made many mistakes I am not judging you–I have cheated and been cheated on in my past. Hopefully I learned somethings
If your lover knows you are not having sex with your husband and now you do–if I were him that would hurt me. You might sabotage that relationship that seems to give you joy.

You are going to make things so much more complicated–and possibly not get to make choices if you start having sex with both of them. Both of them could abandon you if all the truth came out.

If you were to get pregnant now–what about that poor child.

Quit begging your husband to stay with you–don’t guilt him into getting intimate with you. Live separately.

Double check some things about your lover–is he an alcoholic, drugger, owe child support. Has he ever been arrested? Does he have any history of abusing women. Is he gainfully employed? ARE YOU?

You need to move on with your life-but do it with your eyes open. Can you see yourself living without a man in your house? are you capable of having a home with just yourself? notice the house/home indication. do you feel like a whole person capable of having a home without a partner–as I call it a “party of one”—

I was so afraid to live without a partner loving me…..I had to grow and learn to enjoy my own company. Can you be proud without someone patting you on the back and saying “you did good” Can you tell yourself that, can you be a friend to yourself. By the way I am in a successful relationship now….but it took quite a few tries. Then I was alone for 3 years–didn’t date–got my head on straight, learned to love myself. Still have issues –But we are all a work in progress–or stuck in a rut. Life is constantly changing
Please take care of YOU, don’t wait for your husband to be kind to you–You be kind to you.

It would be wonderful if all worked out with your lover–but you need to work it out with you first. Other advice given here sounds good to me–work out your past–get excited for your future.

Honor your feelings–honor yourself
hugs

Seaisland

Dear JournoGirl:

Remove him from the center of your own mind and life and place yourself in the center. That way, it is not all up to him.

anita

Dear journoGirl:

Good. Then step by step you are on the right path!

anita

Dear JournoGirl:

The quote you chose so fitting to your state of mind tells me, indeed, how difficult it is for you to stay and to leave, the thought of staying is unthinkable and leaving feels impossible.

I suppose that means there is suffering in staying and suffering in leaving and I agree with you: you will continue to suffer if you stay, and you will suffer if you leave. If you wait for either one to not means suffering, you will be stuck in limbo as you are now.

But if you get in touch with something you value highly, for example respect to yourself, freedom, courage, if you get in touch with such a value that means a lot to you, that value will give you the courage to go one way or the other. Think of what it is you value so highly that you will suffer for.

anita

You are welcome, JournoGirl. Post again after some reading.
anita

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I was in a relationship for a couple of years that sounds similar in spirit, if not details. I was so incredibly afraid of this man leaving me, that I put up with all sorts of bad behavior from him (and also exhibited my own. The relationship drove me insane). A friend of both of ours was always telling me that my ex and I are great people individually, but that we were toxic when we were together and brought out the worst in each other. It’s possible that this is also true of you and your husband. If he married you and didn’t tell you about doubts he had prior to the marriage, then he’s not being a very good partner to you. And threatening to end the marriage each time he’s bothered by something you’ve done is pretty immature. I used to do this in my old relationship, too, but my BF would get so upset that it took me a couple of years before I got up the strength to leave this poisonous dynamic. It’s not healthy to have this kind of emotional roller-coaster happening in a relationship. From my experience, it probably means that you’re not well suited to one another.

As someone with my own abandonment/self-esteem issues, I understand how hard it can be to walk away. You feel like if you lose this person, then you’ll die and you’re worthless, unlovable, etc. For me, I just couldn’t stand the drama anymore (both the drama I created and the drama he created.) It was too stressful, and was affecting everything else about my life. I lost my job and am still seriously depressed due to this relationship.

It doesn’t sound like this is a healthy marriage. If he’s staying out of guilt and you’re staying out of fear…what kind of marriage can it ever be? Don’t have kids with him (they’ll make it worse, and then you risk poisoning them by having them grow up in that kind of environment). Seek therapy, do self-work to figure out why you have these feelings that you’re not worth anything without your husband, and explore other options for happiness – hobbies, interests, friends, work. Good luck to you!

Dear JournoGirl:

I read your last post and then I re-read all your posts on this thread, paying attention. This is my input:

There is a very serious mental health problem with your husband, one that you cannot fix. This was so from before you met him. It doesn’t matter who you are and what you did in the marriage, he was broken before you met him and the marriage was never right. The marriage didn’t break- it was never whole to begin with. You were in an impossible situation from the very moment you got together with him.

If you were as perfect a wife as anyone could be, he would still be broken and the marriage would never be solid. The marriage started broken; it didn’t break.

There is nothing now that you can do to fix him or the marriage, and there never was. You wrote in one of your posts here that you want to get together with the other man if the marriage is broken; that you don’t want to leave your husband for another guy. Well, the marriage is broken, always has been. So you can keep your own word and indeed get together with the other guy.

There are two patterns of behavior playing out during the duration of this broken-from-the-start marriage:

One pattern is his: pretending, not seeing what is happening inside him, inside you and in between the two of you. He has been pretending. Once in a while he wants out but then he comes back. He has lots of anger in him that he usually manages to hide from you and from himself by pretending. His anger though is still there and that is why he doesn’t seek closeness with you, emotional or physical: he is angry. It is too much for him to be sexual with you- too much pretending to do.

During the meltdown episodes of his pattern he expresses this anger with his threats: “I am leaving you!” And “This is how you annoy me!”

And this is where your pattern comes in: following his threat to leave you, you beg him to stay. He stays, you get anxious about the next meltdown.

Since you have a great fear of abandonment, when he threatens to leave, or leaves, your get triggered big time. Your fear becomes most intense and you beg. You beg automatically. This is a habit by now.

In your anxious living situation you started an affair with the other man. But you are still greatly attached, emotionally to your husband, fearing abandonment. The affair makes you calmer in between the fear of abandonment by your husband.

My summary: make the separation from your husband final. Endure your impulse to beg him for more of the same. If he initiates another stretch of this broken marriage, don’t comply. Get closer to your lover at this time, for support. Let him comfort you as you make this separation from your husband final.

* If I read only your last post, I could jump to the conclusion that you are an abusive wife who should leave your poor, suffering husband alone to recover from your mistreatment of him. And although I do think this separation should be final, by reading all your posts, I see the bigger picture. This is not about an … evil cheating wife, it is about an impossible situation, a marriage broken from the very start with no reasonable possibility or repair.

Do post anytime.

anita

Hi there JournoGirl,

My sympathies to you. Although I did not read every part of your story, it basically can be described as the bridge analogy between two individuals. It certainly looks as if you have been doing all the work to connect with him on the “other side”. Of course that can be frustrating because you are doing all the work to try and connect with him. Just as Anita mentioned, it would be best to break away from this emotionally draining….. well suffocating situation no matter what your husband tries to do to try and string this relationship along. If this continues it will be as if you are digging a hole each and every time deeper and deeper and to be honest JournoGirl, I can hardly see you with the deep hole you have dug.
All the best.
Thank you and take care.
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