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Struggling to explain how I feel in words

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #126011
    Moonshine90
    Participant

    So I’ve never written much on forums before, let alone given people the thoughts from deep in the crevices of my mind but here goes….I’m off work at the moment with high anxiety and depression and am 90% sure I’m quitting. I’m a self employed chiropodist and work as an associate to a practice. I have been for 5 years. But struggled with the job and the responsibility that comes with it, even through training I knew I didn’t feel right doing it. But I was encouraged to get a good career and was told its good money. That was enough for me at the time. It was tough but I did it. I always felt like a fraud cos my heart was never fully in it. I’ve had anxiety in one form or another for as long as I can remember but not known it. My mental health has taken a hit this past year after splitting with my ex boyfriend and it affected my work and my life generally. See when I got to my early twenties I read a lot of self help books, I’ve been to countless therapists and psychotherapists, I’ve explored Buddhism and mindfulness and doing all that helped me get to the root of my issues: my upbringing and insecure attachment to my parents. After finding this out I wanted out, my aim and focus was to find a nice, level boyfriend to settle with. I found one but didn’t get the chemistry with him, however, his parents were amazing, so welcoming and full of love. They made me feel safe and like I’d found what was missing in my life. I really did care about Mark (my ex) but never felt like he understood me, that’s why after nearly 2 years the guilt and frustration got too much and I had to end it. It destroyed me mentally, not just because I was hurting Mark but because I was having to tear myself away from that security and stable love they made me feel. I’m 26, but don’t feel it. I feel like I’m an adult and know what an adult should be doing but I feel like there’s this wall that stops me. I want to get away from my family but feel like I need them because I’m messed up and they created this messedupness so they’re the ones who see me as normal. I think i missed the vital milestones for emotional stability and have always felt like something is missing in me. When I was younger I always felt this deep longing for something and I always told myself that this something would come to me when I got old enough to get away from my family and become independent. I realise looking back that most of my life had been spent listening to a lot of scary negatives about the world and about people and I’ve known for a while that this isn’t the case but it’s like this behaviour is now ingrained into me. I felt the freedom of love and oneness when I practiced mindfulness and filled my head with Buddhism a few years back but it didn’t take long for my confidence to be knocked and the anxiety to come flooding in. I used to have such a nieve and simple view of the world and this past year has Changed me but not in a good way. I could go on but think I’ve written enough for now. Thanks for reading and lending an ear Tiny Buddha’s x

    #126016
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear moonshine90:

    You wrote that you “have always felt like something is missing in me”

    That when you were younger, you “always felt this deep longing for something”

    “and I always told myself that this something would come to me when I got old enough to get away from my family”

    Is that “something” -home: a place where you are loved and where you are safe?

    anita

    #126017
    Moonshine90
    Participant

    Hi Anita. Yes, that’s exactly it. I felt like I was almost home when I was with my ex’s family. They were genuinely lovely people who would help anyone. I’ve got so much respect for them. My parents love me in their own ways but (without sounding big headed) they don’t have the emotional intelligence to understand where I’m coming from. I can see the cause in both their behaviours but can’t exactly tell them. 1.) because they will definitely take offence and 2.) they wouldn’t believe in therapy. It’s so lonely for me cos I want to feel that closeness and understanding with them but know I’ll never get it. It doesn’t help that I live with them. I’ve got this resentment towards my mum especially for masking my anxiety when I was a child. She struggles with her own anxiety but has never done anything about it and always lent on my Gran who was emotionally abusive to her. My mum can be emotionally abusive to me too. My dad used to be violent towards my mum years ago too and it just shows she has no self respect. for years I’ve seen the same things happen. There’s no violence now, that stopped as I got older but my parents stay together for convenience. It’s really put me off relationships but not just for that reason. I don’t think it’s fair to get involved with someone when I’m not emotionally stable and potentially jobless! x

    #126048
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear moonshine1990:

    It is interesting, how we view our parents. What I mean is, when you were a young child, I am sure you weren’t familiar with the term “emotional intelligence” and I am sure you didn’t think something like: “they don’t have the emotional intelligence to understand where I’m coming from.” It is at 26, after … 26 years of knowing them, that you express yourself this way. When you were a child, you probably simply felt hurt and very much alone, that is all. And you didn’t know why.

    And the reason you felt hurt and so alone is because a loving connection with at least one of your primary caretakers was necessary for your physical/ emotional well being. Not optional, but necessary. When you grow up without it, you gain the weight, the height, go through puberty.. even start aging, but then you are still as hurt and alone as when you were a child.

    A young child doesn’t see a separation between its environment and itself. Whatever the environment is, the child takes in as its brain matures, and it becomes part of the child. So that aloneness became part of you.

    What To Do about it? One thing not to do is to no longer look for that loving connection with the people who rejected you for 26 years. I use the very “reject” because as a child and onward, you reached out to them repeatedly, and they didn’t see it, didn’t see you, ignored you, rejected your love for them.

    What To Do… That loving connection, you still need it. It is still non negotiable. You found the feel of it with your ex boyfriend’s parents, but the relationship with the ex is over and so is the relationship with his parents (having been conditional on the gf/bf relationship between you and their son)-

    This is becoming a long post, and there is no need to make it longer. You can take it from here, if you’d like, and we can correspond further.

    anita

    #165012
    Moonshine90
    Participant

    Hi again Anita. How are you? I’m sorry for the very delayed  reply, I’ve been on a bit of a roller coaster this past 6 months. I always seem to be drawn back to tiny Buddha when I’m looking for answers though. I was wondering-what is your background? You seem to know quite a lot about this kind of stuff. Id like to talk more if that’s ok with you?

    #165166
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Moonshine90:

    Welcome back. It is okay with me if you’d like to talk more, absolutely. Regarding my background, here on this website I am a member, like you, only more active. I am not a professional psychotherapist, not in my personal life and not here. My understanding of people and life is based on what I call my Healing Path of over six years now, starting with my first competent therapy of a few years, daily work on my part then and following therapy, including on this very day.

    anita

    #165426
    Sunset
    Participant

    Hi Moonshine,

    I’ve been reading through your posts & I can say, I am really hearing what you are saying & feel I can relate to your post a lot.  I too grew up with the same feeling of “missing” something & still to this day I can’t figure it out or discover what that is.  I feel my parents were the same – kept me secure but what I’m discovering later in life is that the emotional security was not there.  It still isn’t & if I try to express myself, I’m looked upon as dramatic, overreacting & just out to cause trouble.  It gets more frustrating & hurtful as life goes on because I’m beginning to see it for what it is, yet I’m not being heard.  It’s caused me to be insecure, distrustful, wary of relationships & sceptical of people.  I’m trying my best to look after myself & I can be outgoing in general, fearless when it comes to exploring the world on my own & generally just being by myself.  That massive void is still there however.  I hope you’re doing ok & just want you to know you’re not alone…

    #166106
    Moonshine90
    Participant

    Hello Sunset,

    It does seem like our backgrounds may have been similar in one way or another. It’s terribly isolating like you say- to not have your voice heard by the people closest to you. It seems we both have come to the point where the rose tint isn’t there anymore. I’m hoping that one day my sparkle comes back that I seem to have lost long ago. I’m feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment but hoping that I gain some momentum soon.

    Its good you’re taking care of yourself and are exploring the world, we have a beautiful planet and it’s there to be explored so do as much as you can 🙂

    There is a book that you may find useful called ‘home coming’ by John Bradshaw. I don’t feel in a place to work through it but you may feel strong enough to do some self work at this point.

     

    I hope you slowly manage to fill that void or at least feel at peace with it.

    All the best, Alex.

     

     

    #166168
    amaya
    Participant

    Hello Moonshine,

    I went through your earlier posts, I would want to share my experience with you. I underwent a similar situation to be dealt within myself .I really did fight for myself tried to talk to my parents, to make them understand what was hurting me, to change the way they think. But all in vain, they would get offended and disappointed with me. Undergoing all these made me feel that it’s ME who was creating the feelings inside ME and struggling with them. So, I had to change the way I think about them, it was me who was very much psychologically dependant on them. I did understand psychological dependance is one of the warmth factor about family but I was a little more expectant. I didn’t want to hurt myself or anyone anymore. So, I took control over myself and my feelings, dug deep inside me through meditation and started working on them. Its only YOU who can understand YOURSELF better and the best solutions are within YOU. Solutions are unique for everyone and every situation, there is no good or bad solution its only RIGHT solution that is right enough for you and only you ,either good or bad it doesn’t matter. Hope this post helped and please don’t mind if I sounded a little crude as I am not great in expressing through words.

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