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Sunset

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • August 30, 2017 at 4:51 am #166194
    Sunset
    Participant

    I want you to know you have all the help & support you need here!  I’m glad I could help a little & wish I could help more.  From where I’m standing, I really get the sense of a strong, empathetic & kind woman.  You’re struggling right now because it seems you have always put others before yourself – something most of us are inclined to do.  I have a habit of doing that also & worry what people will think of me & can tend to be a people pleaser.  It can get tricky when family are involved.  Sometimes they are the ones we want to impress the most & prove we’re in control of things.  I am so sorry to hear your family don’t do emotions.  This can be hard.  My own family have never been ones for expressing their vulnerable sides (me included).  Usually this would be displayed through anger but as time goes on, some of us have learned to talk (others will never get to this point I don’t think) but it’s what we chose to do for ourselves that’s important.  Say for instance, I know I can’t change my sister or force her to tell me how she feels & let me see a side to her that’s struggling emotionally, however I am making the decision to allow myself to do it for me when things feel out of my control.  We need to start with ourselves & you need to start this with you too.  I think you have already done this by contacting this site so be proud of yourself for that.

    I don’t know your family & am unsure of how you would deal with situations like this in the past?  However one thing I will say is that I think (from talking to you briefly) that you are an incredible person who wants to live, wants to be content, wants to be happy & already has a massive independent streak that she is afraid to embrace.

    Sometimes we have to hit an all time low to build ourselves back up.  This is strength & I know you have this strength.  Look at the brave move you made in the first place – moving to a different country, taking a chance, allowing yourself to love – Believe me, you are braver than you give yourself credit for.  If you do go home, please keep in mind how you followed through on your plans & despite the outcome being different, you still gave it your best shot.  Relationships, engagements, marriages fall apart everyday.  It’s not uncommon & can be heart breaking but we all go through it at some stage.  You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  You took a chance on life & I know you can find your light at the end of the tunnel because it is there for you.  Sending you so much strength!

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Sunset.
    August 30, 2017 at 3:01 am #166188
    Sunset
    Participant

    Firstly, you are not inadequate!  Please don’t think that.  It sounds to me like you are very head strong & can manage to live very independently under normal circumstances, however, now you’re going through a bad patch & everything feels as though it is falling apart.  A strong factor that you have going for you is that you do very well career wise & you were in a good position.  Did you leave this job or thinking you might lose it?

    It seems like you are heavily burdened with doing what your family expects of you.  I don’t want to speak wrongly against your traditions & what your family believes, however it is your life & you have a right to choose your own path.  I am sensing there is a lot of dependence on having a man by your side & you’re feeling inadequate based on what they think.

    You might feel your world is falling apart because this man is no longer in your life but it sounds to me like you need to give yourself a lot of love & attention before committing to anyone.  I am also a woman in my mid 30’s, not in a relationship & like you, when I was, felt a bit insecure whereby I would believe I was a lesser person & ultimately when the relationship ended, I felt worthless & almost like I would never find anyone again.  My self-esteem had hit an all time low. I realised it was me that needed to address this & question myself as to why I viewed myself so negatively.  Overall, I have done so much for myself (without a man) travelled, done courses, joined clubs, met new people.  I throw myself into everything to build on my self esteem.  I am by no means fully there yet however I feel good in myself most of the time & I want to build on feeling this secure for when I do meet someone so should it come to an end, I won’t fall apart like I used to.

    You sound very independent but you’re not giving yourself a chance.  Can I ask – your choice to go home, is that because you feel it’s your only option or is it because your visa will no longer be valid?

    August 30, 2017 at 1:55 am #166180
    Sunset
    Participant

    Hi Eleanor,

    I am sorry to read of your struggles.  It sounds like you’re in a very difficult situation.  Can you provide a bit of background on where you are from/ living now, etc?  Were your family relying on you to make a better life for yourself abroad?

     

    August 29, 2017 at 10:14 am #166082
    Sunset
    Participant

    Thank you Anita and a lot of what you say makes total sense. I think back to conversations we had and not one story he told me about his life was spoken with positivity. After we had this run in, I left to come home and for a long time I never blamed him and felt great empathy for him as I did truly believe there was more to the reaction and it was not directly all about kw being “tired and emotional”. I took comfort in this and tried to figure out what I learned from it and in my mind wished better for him wherever life would lead him. I suppose the latest trigger (in my case) of anxiety is that almost a year on, (and only for that girl is still in touch with him) recently referred to me whilst remarking on some old pictures with us all, was when he referred to me still in a horrible light and still feels that same bitterness towards me.

    To be honest, I got a bit of a shock when she first told me but as that last few days have passed, I’m once again reminding myself that it goes deeper than me and that I was just the target at the time (possibly like many others that encountered him in a similar situation). At the end of the day, I’m quite content with my life and remind myself to count my blessings and appreciate all and everyone I have therefore that helps me reflect on things more clearly….along with all your help too. Thanks to you both!

    August 29, 2017 at 3:34 am #166044
    Sunset
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    That is quite possible he did think that.  The impression I got at the time was that he was jealous of my ability to be sociable in a positive way.  I didn’t have anything bad to say about anyone & my outlook was positive.  I remember explaining that being away from home gave me a chance to reflect on all the goodness I had there & all the support of my friends & family.  Travelling alone really gave me insight into this & as I met people, we would all talk about our lives back home & why we were travelling, etc. This must’ve been a conversation I had with this guy at some point because I remember feeling good about my journey & so grateful for everything – a time for reflection.  I had posted a couple of photos up on social media to keep people up to date with my journey & at this point he had befriended me on it & possibly saw the support I had from back home.  The reason I suspect this is because, when he argued with me, he used lines such as “you’re just so used to having everyone tell you you’re great & you can’t handle hearing different & some real truths”.  I was flabbergasted!  I couldn’t understand what he was basing this on.  I had been nothing but polite to him & as far as I was concerned, built a nice friendship with him, never judged him, expressed an interest in his life, etc.  It was the strangest outburst.  Crazy and all as this sounds, I think he liked my positivity and inability to allow much get to me, yet at the same time it irked him that someone could be so optimistic.  Therefore, I believe he wanted to get me on something so when I showed a vulnerable side to myself & became emotional & overwhelmed once, he saw this as an opportunity to kick me while I was down.

    I’m not sure what it was but when this happened, a few of us were together & others were empathetic & showed me comfort.  They explained that they too had also had days where they would become overwhelmed for being away from home, the unknown, the excitement, the uncertainty of what each day would bring) & they understood it.  I tried to brush it off as I felt foolish but I had some lovely caring people with me.  However this guy believed I was selfish & stated that I was “not the only one to be tired and emotional” & that I was all about myself.  I couldn’t believe it & started to feel like I did overact whereas I can honestly say, I did not.  He made me feel that way at the time.  I don’t think he liked that others were sympathetic towards me.  Later I begged him not to be so cruel & said that I didn’t want to part on bad terms.  He was not interested & turned away from me.  I left in floods of tears & he blocked me from everything, social media, phone.  I left without the want to try and talk to him any further.  I just felt utterly devastated by his nastiness & confused by what had just happened.  Looking bad, I believe that when it was just me & him chatting, travelling, he was inclined to be nicer to me & that was a side to him I got to know & liked but as soon as we were within a group with others he was different & aloof with me.

    In terms of my friend, I think she is awesome & even if I didn’t have this confrontation with this guy, I still wouldn’t think he is good for her.  He seemed uncertain about his direction in life but would give off the impression he was in control.  She seemed a bit more certain about her direction but almost like she had her guard up when it came to men & possibly afraid of being hurt.  I don’t believe he could give her the love she needs or wants.  He appeared quite absorbed & I could nearly predict he would leave someone if the going got tough.  In relation to me kissing him, after a few days, I reconsidering not even mentioning it.  She stills appears to hold a torch for him but the distant between them & the lack of direction in his life might be an issue – I don’t know but with me & him it was never, nor would it ever have been anything.  I do remember developing feelings for him at the time & being aware of it but now being at home, in my routine, I can honestly say, he would not be a guy I would normally go for (in every way).  We were different but bonded through travelling & that’s where it would stop.  Then the fight was the final nail in the coffin anyway so I think I owe her the right to decide what she wants to do for herself & give her the opportunity to get to know him better if she feels that strong about him…

     

    August 25, 2017 at 11:09 pm #165698
    Sunset
    Participant

    Thank you so much Gia! I really appreciate your time to advise and help out. How you describe him is exactly how he was. I always felt when a bunch of us met that he kept me at arm’s length yet I always made an effort to get on with people whose paths I crossed and with frequent path crossing with him I think he eventually warmed to me. He turned on me one night when I became emotional for being away from home and others were lovely to me and could empathise. He treated me like I was the most selfish person in the world for getting upset and belittled me and made out there was something wrong with me. I feel so strange even writing this because it’s the most craziest and horrible reaction I’ve ever encountered from anyone. I questioned myself and asked myself was I odd for being human. It seemed he liked me one way but the minute he saw a bit of vulnerability in me, he tried to drag me down even more rather than show any empathy. I still question it to this day. Despite his horrendous attitude towards me, I still begged him to not be so cruel. In hindsight, that was probably worse because he played on it more. I left to go home after my solo trip in tears at the airport and feeling like I wasn’t worth anything. I know I can be sensitive but this verbal attack was something that really knocked me.

    I completely agree with you about taking the positives. For a long time I looked at it from another angle and took comfort in lessons I had learned from it all. I even took him criticising my positivity as a compliment. I figured that I would rather be annoyingly positive than overwhelmingly negative like him. I smiled when I thought back to that.

    A bit of background on him. He told me he doesn’t have much of A relationship with his parents (his dad more so – feels neglected since he remarried). He said he doesn’t tend to keep friends and doesn’t have any close ones nor does he have much of a relationship with his sibling. I remember feeling empathy towards him & wanting to make him feel someone cared but some days I find it hard to have any pity. I know none of this is directly about me. I think I just get rattled thinking how he seems to despise me so much despite him not having a valid reason.

    Regarding my friend, we actually live in different countries but occasionally talk over text so I don’t see her. We talk about meeting up and visiting one another and I would love that and to continue the contact. I just feel guilty. I had hoped since she went home that she’d meet a lovely guy because she’s such a lovely girl but to my surprise she still longs for her holiday romance. I’m not just saying I had hoped she’d meet someone new because of what happened with me but because I saw a nasty side to him in the end and I wouldn’t want a guy like that for any of my friends. Even if I hadn’t have kissed him I’m sure the outcome would still have been the same and he still would have verbally attacked me and I still would have thought he was an idiot.

    Thank you so much Gia for lending an ear. I appreciate it so much!

    August 25, 2017 at 9:58 pm #165692
    Sunset
    Participant
    1. Hi Gia,

    Thank you for your reply. I think you are correct in describing him. Looking back now, he was a very bitter and negative person. He told him he disliked depressed people and felt he kept meeting lots of them on his travels. I remember thinking he was incredibly judgemental and it was a bit low of him. At that point I probably should’ve known better and removed myself from his company however he seemed to get on quite well with me and for some reason (probably being on my own) I felt drawn to him. I was incredibly hurt, rattled and anxious for a long time after he turned and still to this day, the anxiety sets in. He hated that I got on well with people and nothing fazed me. Now that I think about it, I think he wanted to take me down a peg or two because I was clearly enjoying myself, engaging with others and had a positive attitude towards life. Unfortunately he did take me down and I stupidly let him.

    Moving on from that, yes you’re right, I think it is that she previously confided in me and when we all moved on and I was still there spending time with others (him included) that he moved on to me and I gravitated towards him. I wish I hadn’t and wondered why now. Maybe being in a different country on my own. I just know I started to develop feelings. I often wonder why as he wasn’t a nice person. My predicament is that after our travels this girl kept in touch with me and still to this day talks about him. I’m feeling so guilty that she feels so deeply (from what I’m hearing) about him still while I know I too kissed him yet I can honestly look back and say I’m sure it didn’t stop at me.

    I really appreciate my new-found friendship with this girl and maybe in some ways I ignorantly thought none of us would ever stay in touch beyond our trip however some of us did.

    I just wish she didn’t like him like she did because he’s a terribly negative and bitter person and I only saw the aim of his journey to put a damper on it for others. I can’t say it to her based on my thoughts towards him but I feel in an awkward position and very unnerved that he recently expressed to her that he hates me.

    I don’t get it or why he ever turned on me. He attacked my character and criticised my positivity and made me feel like shit. To add to all that, I now feel like shit that I ever felt anything for him in the first place.

    I guess there are two points to this story. Why this guy did this and secondly that I did keep in touch with this girl and all this time on I know I kissed him and am horrified to hear that she still holds a candle for him. I am disappointed in myself for allowing him get under my skin and allow him make me feel so worthless and gaining a lovely friend from my travels but feeling like I let her down.

    August 24, 2017 at 7:31 am #165426
    Sunset
    Participant

    Hi Moonshine,

    I’ve been reading through your posts & I can say, I am really hearing what you are saying & feel I can relate to your post a lot.  I too grew up with the same feeling of “missing” something & still to this day I can’t figure it out or discover what that is.  I feel my parents were the same – kept me secure but what I’m discovering later in life is that the emotional security was not there.  It still isn’t & if I try to express myself, I’m looked upon as dramatic, overreacting & just out to cause trouble.  It gets more frustrating & hurtful as life goes on because I’m beginning to see it for what it is, yet I’m not being heard.  It’s caused me to be insecure, distrustful, wary of relationships & sceptical of people.  I’m trying my best to look after myself & I can be outgoing in general, fearless when it comes to exploring the world on my own & generally just being by myself.  That massive void is still there however.  I hope you’re doing ok & just want you to know you’re not alone…

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