Hi Eleanor,

I am sorry to read of your struggles.  It sounds like you’re in a very difficult situation.  Can you provide a bit of background on where you are from/ living now, etc?  Were your family relying on you to make a better life for yourself abroad?

Firstly, you are not inadequate!  Please don’t think that.  It sounds to me like you are very head strong & can manage to live very independently under normal circumstances, however, now you’re going through a bad patch & everything feels as though it is falling apart.  A strong factor that you have going for you is that you do very well career wise & you were in a good position.  Did you leave this job or thinking you might lose it?

It seems like you are heavily burdened with doing what your family expects of you.  I don’t want to speak wrongly against your traditions & what your family believes, however it is your life & you have a right to choose your own path.  I am sensing there is a lot of dependence on having a man by your side & you’re feeling inadequate based on what they think.

You might feel your world is falling apart because this man is no longer in your life but it sounds to me like you need to give yourself a lot of love & attention before committing to anyone.  I am also a woman in my mid 30’s, not in a relationship & like you, when I was, felt a bit insecure whereby I would believe I was a lesser person & ultimately when the relationship ended, I felt worthless & almost like I would never find anyone again.  My self-esteem had hit an all time low. I realised it was me that needed to address this & question myself as to why I viewed myself so negatively.  Overall, I have done so much for myself (without a man) travelled, done courses, joined clubs, met new people.  I throw myself into everything to build on my self esteem.  I am by no means fully there yet however I feel good in myself most of the time & I want to build on feeling this secure for when I do meet someone so should it come to an end, I won’t fall apart like I used to.

You sound very independent but you’re not giving yourself a chance.  Can I ask – your choice to go home, is that because you feel it’s your only option or is it because your visa will no longer be valid?

I want you to know you have all the help & support you need here!  I’m glad I could help a little & wish I could help more.  From where I’m standing, I really get the sense of a strong, empathetic & kind woman.  You’re struggling right now because it seems you have always put others before yourself – something most of us are inclined to do.  I have a habit of doing that also & worry what people will think of me & can tend to be a people pleaser.  It can get tricky when family are involved.  Sometimes they are the ones we want to impress the most & prove we’re in control of things.  I am so sorry to hear your family don’t do emotions.  This can be hard.  My own family have never been ones for expressing their vulnerable sides (me included).  Usually this would be displayed through anger but as time goes on, some of us have learned to talk (others will never get to this point I don’t think) but it’s what we chose to do for ourselves that’s important.  Say for instance, I know I can’t change my sister or force her to tell me how she feels & let me see a side to her that’s struggling emotionally, however I am making the decision to allow myself to do it for me when things feel out of my control.  We need to start with ourselves & you need to start this with you too.  I think you have already done this by contacting this site so be proud of yourself for that.

I don’t know your family & am unsure of how you would deal with situations like this in the past?  However one thing I will say is that I think (from talking to you briefly) that you are an incredible person who wants to live, wants to be content, wants to be happy & already has a massive independent streak that she is afraid to embrace.

Sometimes we have to hit an all time low to build ourselves back up.  This is strength & I know you have this strength.  Look at the brave move you made in the first place – moving to a different country, taking a chance, allowing yourself to love – Believe me, you are braver than you give yourself credit for.  If you do go home, please keep in mind how you followed through on your plans & despite the outcome being different, you still gave it your best shot.  Relationships, engagements, marriages fall apart everyday.  It’s not uncommon & can be heart breaking but we all go through it at some stage.  You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  You took a chance on life & I know you can find your light at the end of the tunnel because it is there for you.  Sending you so much strength!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Sunset.