Hi anita,

I completely agree with what you wrote about children identifying with an aggressive parent and acting that way towards others. It reminds me of my ex: she identified with her father, who beat her and did other horrible things. So she enjoyed being a hypermasculine and aggressive person. Or my sister who constantly argues and antagonizes people: she identifies with my aggressive mother. That therapist I know was still in contact with her most likely abusive parents. I also know that she felt lost as a child and moved around a lot, and most likely that made her feel angry. So I probably triggered her just like her girlfriend. I think she felt inadequate as a therapist and that’s why she acted the way she did. This is another mark of poor therapy on her part: I shouldn’t know all this. The focus should have been on me.

I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that people who share identities aren’t always empathetic towards each other. It confuses me. This idea has gotten me into a lot of trouble: expecting that someone who shares my identities or beliefs would be kind to me, and then that is not the case but I have a hard time accepting the truth. I thought dating a woman would be better than dating a man. It wasn’t. In fact it was worse because I didn’t see the red flags. Or more accurately, I saw the red flags but dismissed them. Another example is this man I knew at my last job: he was white, enjoyed guns, and went on to become a cop. I thought he was a bad person because of those things. But he ended up treating me with kindness and respect. He made me laugh and I enjoyed his company. And he was the reason I was able to leave my ex, because I would feel so happy spending time with him and my other coworkers, laughing and having a great time. Then I would come home to her and feel so depressed, like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. I think now part of the reason I’m having trouble moving on is that I don’t have that social support anymore, like you mentioned in your earlier response.

Thanks for saying I express myself well. Sometimes I feel I am stupid and can’t express myself well. I always blamed myself during my relationship that I couldn’t articulate properly. But the truth was she just didn’t listen to me. Sometimes I feel my expectations are too high, like I have to accept some disrespect and suffering in a relationship. I used to have high expectations but I lowered them, and because of that I lowered my self respect. It’s madness, isn’t it?

I agree, we must judge abusers for who and what they are. The reason the world is in disarray, the reason so many of us suffer is because we look the other way and lie to ourselves about abusers. I don’t think abusers who refuse to take responsibility deserve forgiveness. Nor do they deserve punishment per se, but it’s best we get as far away from them as possible. I don’t want to punish people who have hurt me. I just want them and their toxicity away from me and my mind. But people always blame me for wanting this. I agree, having a win-lose therapist was awful for me. I am starting to feel a little compassion for myself in knowing it wasn’t my fault. I wonder what others who have been her clients felt, or maybe she only did it to me.

I do see myself as someone chained to suffering: mentally. I still ruminate over these things that have happened, and have flashbacks. It’s as if these things are still happening. I am stuck in the past in many ways and would like to be free from it all.

I look forward to reading your response when you are back. Thanks so much for listening and for providing such great insight.

Hi anita,

That’s a very good point about self judgement. You’re right, I am not very empathetic towards myself. Or I am empathetic towards other people at the expense of myself. Sometimes I revert to my child self, waiting for someone to save me. But that person never comes. When I am healthy and strong, it’s because I am focused on saving myself. I often am very very hard on myself.

You’re right, I did judge this man unfairly. I got caught up in stereotypes, not fully understanding at the time that stereotypes work both ways. Sometimes I can be critical and judgmental, and I am trying to learn how to catch myself and redirect those thoughts. I try to remember that I am just acting the way my parents taught me and not to act that way, or else I might hurt someone like how they hurt me. I am glad I amended my behavior. I realized that if I was closed off and mean to him, then he would be closed off and mean to me. So I tried to be kind to him and understand him better. I learned that we had a lot in common! For example, we liked the same movies and bonded over things we liked as kids. I know this is something that I have to keep a lookout for: not to judge and to allow people to be themselves. It’s hard unlearning things we’ve learned as children.

Yes, my inability to articulate in that relationship was because of a “lack of air”. It’s amazing how you are so right about everything. The lack of air was her not listening, or twisting what I said, or throwing what I said back in my face to punish me. Or calling me crazy. So I choked up and couldn’t communicate. Then she blamed me and said I was abusive for ignoring her. This got so bad that I got physically ill. I had to go to urgent care because I literally could not breathe. Much like George Floyd: I can’t breathe.

What you wrote in your last paragraphs is so very true for me. I have had these exact thoughts. For a while I thought very clearly, was connected to myself and my feelings. But then I went backwards, and I got angry at myself. I kept blaming and blaming myself, and got more confused the more I blamed myself. I mistakenly thought healing was a “one and done deal”. I also mistakenly thought going to therapy would “fix me”. Then when it didn’t I felt more lost and disassociated, thinking I was broken. I didn’t realize the momentous task healing is. I also mistakenly thought I was the only broken person, that other people knew more and were better than me. If I saw more clearly, I would see that all of us are broken in one way or another. And I would not take it so personally when people hurt me, knowing it’s coming from a place of brokenness. I wouldn’t give other people so much power.

I guess the theme here is learning to be kind: to ourselves and to others no matter who they are. I know when I am kind to myself I naturally am kinder to others. And I hope to always remain a kind person as much as I can. But it can be difficult!

Hi anita,

That made me smile that you would copy my post for yourself. I greatly respect you and it makes me happy that you think what I say has value.

Yes, she did choke me, in so many ways. Another thing I got wrong was thinking to be kind, you have to give someone access to you at all times. She demanded that we remain friends after the breakup. And I felt so bad, and confused: not wanting her in my life, but feeling I was mean to block her. I didn’t understand that not seeking revenge was enough. Honestly, I sort of sought revenge: She left the apartment trashed when she left, and left a ton of her stuff. She wanted to come back to get it, I said no. When  I was going through it I found a diary entry saying how she wanted to have sex with men and I wasn’t doing it for her. The whole relationship she blamed and shamed be for being attracted to men, saying it was “disgusting”. I was so mad I threw a lot of her stuff away, including some comics she had drawn in high school. She wanted me to mail her the comics, and when I admitted I threw most of them away she freaked out at me. I felt so so so bad and horrible. I had forgotten this happened. I wish I understood that I can choose who I allow to be in my life. I feel that if someone shows any sort of kindness I owe them or something. I guess it goes back to what we were talking about, parents saying to their kids that they owe them. And then carrying that false belief. You’re helping me to feel a lot better I feel so much calmer talking with you. I am very grateful.

I’m noticing my thoughts are slowing down, I feel less “crazy” for lack of a better word just by communicating with you. Maybe because you are sane and before I was confiding in people who were not sane, meaning still connected to insanity. Now that I am remembering how bad my ex really was, I can’t believe I even considered speaking to her! I used to still check her social media. I don’t know what I was looking for: proof of what happened maybe? Trying to keep in contact? I am not sure. But I know I must be sure not to allow her any access to me and not to torture myself by checking her social media. I feel if I can move on from this relationship and truly learn the lessons I was meant to learn I can have a great and healthy relationship in the future. I have not dated since, it’s been three years. I did have a one night stand when I visited Amsterdam a couple years back, but that was it and I felt guilty after the one night stand. That kind of thing isn’t for me. I have not trusted myself to be able to discern a good relationship from a bad one. I tell myself sometimes I don’t want a relationship but it isn’t true. Another former friend tried to rush me into dating again and made me feel badly for being single. But honestly I am okay being alone. I enjoy my own company, and I am learning more about who I am outside of a partnership. I also hope that if I can be strong on my own I can attract a healthy partner. I am not completely sure at this time what I would want in a partner but I hope to find out.

Contrary to what people have said to me I have not lost hope in love, I just want to be sure I am ready for it. I would never want to date someone and possibly hurt them because I have not healed from my wounds. It isn’t fair to use people this way, yet so many people do it! Just as you mentioned, relationships should be win-win. I am not looking for someone to take all of my pain away. This former friend got divorced around the same time my relationship ended, then quickly started sleeping around with people, even people at our place of work (we used to be coworkers). I don’t necessarily disagree with casual sex but I feel it’s not healthy to try and heal through casual sex. She was also of the belief that women can do no wrong which wasn’t good for me. Not only do I want to find a healthy partner I also want to find healthy friends too. I didn’t realize just how much your environment affects your mental health even when you are not fully aware of it. I hope to be more mindful and conscious in the future.

Hi anita,

Yes, that’s something that’s hard to wrap my head around – that even cruel people are kind from time to time. It creates a lot of confusion because you never know if it’s you. I’ve always struggled with getting angry at someone for mistreating me then feeling like I need to be kinder or more understanding. This reminds me of another memory from my teenage years: my dad used to always rant at me about his life, his problems, how my mom was terrible to him, so on and so forth. I didn’t want to be around him. I remember the summer after my freshman year of college I told him so. My mom shamed me and said I was making him feel bad. It’s like you said before about how mothers train their children in toxic ways. But now I don’t know how to untrain myself. I feel like I need to reconnect with my own inner guidance: I feel that when I can trust myself, things usually work out pretty well. I think I have good instincts but it’s hard not to have social support to back you up. It’s like the frog dying in hot water. I feel my intuition has died, or quieted. In my head I hear the things other people have told me, but I cannot “hear” myself because no one on my life has really heard me.

I have always felt I attract toxic people. It’s interesting to hear you say that might not be the case. Another toxic thing that therapist told me is that most people are good, only a few are bad. I thought that was wrong and maybe you agree. And I think assessing people as good or bad is unhelpful. Maybe someone isn’t a bad person but they can still be toxic to my wellbeing. I feel it’s more important to think about how people make us feel, how they treat us and whether or not the relationship is a win-win. This stuff is very confusing, I still don’t know how I can unlearn all of these lies, especially ones that have come from a so-called mental health professional!

You’re right, no one is completely healed. I guess deep down I still feel I am a messed up person, and for that reason I close myself from the possibility of getting close to someone who I actually want to be close to. Maybe that’s why I have these toxic relationships: I know they are toxic, but I feel I am toxic too and don’t deserve any better. I always wonder, am I good person? What does good even mean? It’s hard going through life without parents to guide us…how can we know right from wrong without anyone to teach us? I feel values are often distorted and it’s still so hard to see clearly. But once upon a time I did see clearly…I wonder how to get back to that point, or to go forward to an even better place. I know I can’t be perfect but I still want to be for some reason. I wish I could cut myself some slack.

On another note, today is my birthday! I am 28 today. Even with all of this confusion this is a better birthday than in the past. For most of my life I didn’t want to be alive, didn’t care whether or not I was dead or alive. Even when COVID hit, I was not afraid because I didn’t care if I caught it and died. But now I am looking forward to the future and I feel a little happier to be on this planet. Maybe because I am trying to untangle myself from abuse and lies. Love heals and truth does also.

Hi anita,

Thank you for the birthday wishes! I haven’t heard anything from my family yet. Interestingly, my mom complains at me when I don’t wish her happy birthday or happy mother’s day but has forgotten my birthday for years now. Double standards are not great to deal with. Here are my lists:

Good behaviors:

Being respectful and polite to other people, even people we disagree with

Listening to listen and not just to respond

Following through with what you say you’re going to do

Apologizing for wrongdoing and not doing it again

Honesty, saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Not lying intentionally

Seeing all people on equal footing: not thinking we’re better than someone because of social status or political beliefs or other superficial things

Taking responsibility for ourselves

Caring for and loving our children unconditionally

Helping others in need to the best of our ability

Caring for ourselves so we don’t become an unfair burden on others

Respecting the boundaries of others

Caring for and loving the Earth and animals, meaning do as little harm as possible.

Bad Behaviors:

Acting in a self interested manner at all times

Lying to people to get something from them

Manipulating people to get something from them

Disrespecting other’s physical, emotional, or energetic boundaries

Doing something kind or nice just to get something in return or gain power over someone.

Dumping problems and bad energy on people, using people as an emotional “trash can”

Sexual irresponsibility (cheating, not using birth control and/or protection, having multiple partners without being tested for STDs)

Stealing, taking what doesn’t belong to us

Gossiping about people

Parentifying children

Gaslighting people, denying their reality and making them confused

Trying to gain power over people

Looking down on someone because you perceive them to be lesser than you

Talking at people instead of to them

Unhealthy competition

Downplaying someone’s achievements or good qualities to make ourselves feel superior