Struggling to get over a break up

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This topic has 18 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by Jane.

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June 7, 2016 at 10:44 pm #106689

NSC33
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Here’s an update on my situation, I haven’t posted in a while because nothing had changed and I tried to put this behind me but this break up has been on my mind everyday since it happened in November.

We had no contact with each other since January, I made a choice to try put it behind me so that I could heal and to block out the need to know whether he had someone else in his life or not. I had been doing ok on my own, although I know that I am suffering from depression and I honestly do miss him and our relationship.

Last Saturday I received a call from him out of the blue, I was hesitant to speak to him but I did answer and he asked me how I was. He then said that he missed me and just wants to come home. He asked if he could come over and I said yes. I felt so safe in his arms again, he told me that he knows now that he had made a mistake by leaving and that I didn’t deserve any of the hurt that he put me through. He wanted another chance at “us” again and I told him that some things are going to need to change because I can’t deal with his insecurity and trust issues when I am 100% loyal and faithful in our relationship. He also told me about his relationship with another woman in the time that we were apart, I didn’t want to know this but he insisted that he needs to tell me.

He left later that evening and I felt like he would be back. We have messaged each other and spoken on the phone since then but he is not in a good place and hates himself for causing so much hurt. He says that he needs to fix himself as I can’t do that. We haven’t messaged each other or spoken for about a week, I told him that we need to sit down and talk again but last night I tried calling and sent him a message and he just ignored me.

I feel like he came back to get my hopes up and tell me about the other woman that I didn’t want to know about and he is just going to leave me again. I don’t know what more to do, I really do still love him and believe that we can be happy together but I don’t understand what is going on in his mind.

June 8, 2016 at 7:52 am #106707

Anonymous
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Dear NSC33:

On January 7, exactly five months before your most recent post, you wrote to me: “I do understand what you are saying about the voices in his head being louder than the calmness, I will try and find out what it it that he was thinking during this time when I speak to him again and let you know what the outcome of this is… I will have to approach him differently, and not be so emotional myself because when I am like that I can’t think clearly and all I think of is what I want, and nothing else.”

Did you talk with him about what is disturbing his calm, those voices in his head?

I read our communication on this thread from the beginning. It seems like he is as troubled now as he was before. His state of mind is not such that makes a reliable, loving relationship possible. It is simply not possible in his state of mind. Your attachment and need for him, your loving feelings for him, all your efforts and willingness can not possibly change this reality.

anita

June 8, 2016 at 1:13 pm #106736

Nola LeForte
Participant

Oh dear, I’m so sorry! It sounds like you’ve been through so much the last 6 months! I’m sorry that everything happened like this it seems like this has all been very much a whirlwind.

That being said, I do think that anita is right in that he is still not in the right place to be in a relationship. He broke up with you somewhat out of the blue it seems, and then 6 months later he says that he wants to be back in the relationship while insisting on telling you about his relationship with someone else, and then ignores you when you call him to do what he said he had been wanting. This is not fair to you, and it frankly seems like it is only serving his needs.

Its only natural to miss the relationship or struggle after a breakup, especially one that you were in for so long and also one that you had no time to prepare yourself for emotionally. It seems like you had really invested in the relationship and given of yourself but you are right- you cannot change him; only he can address the issues that he is coming up against. That being said, you do still care about him and I am afraid that if you try to be there for him at this point you will only end up getting hurt. It is comforting to be with the person we love and miss, but I think that at this stage he is not in a place to be able to give of himself and be with you the way you need to so it will be one-sided.

When you break up with someone, it can literally feel like you have lost half of yourself, and you love him and that part of your life so you want it back. I am not saying there is no hope for reconciliation, but I am saying that now is not the time. He needs to be on his own to work through everything and you cannot be the facilitator for that. If you are getting the feeling that something is wrong, you are probably right. If things ended badly before and you ended up getting hurt, it is likely that it will happen again especially if the circumstances leading up to have not changed.

In the meantime, just focus on you and taking care of yourself. Going back to what hurt you will not help you heal. If things are meant to be worked out, they will do so naturally, so don’t pressure yourself to make anything happen or tell yourself something is wrong if it doesn’t.
I hope that helps and best of luck x

June 8, 2016 at 6:57 pm #106756
Jane
Participant
Hey NSC33 – I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. From what Ive gathered, you sound like a very strong and loving woman so please keep your head up and know this. I feel that your ex felt trapped and wanted to be free to see what else is out there therefor was feeling “distressed” and was justifying it by saying that you are too calm etc, just my opinion. Anyway, I’m happy to see that he came around but to tell you about the dating he did during that time and to now disappear on you again concerns me. I’m sure dating was the last thing on your mind yet he was able to get back out there? I dont know, that would bother me immensely. Be careful and gentle with yourself and most of all cautious. I would hate the wound to be freshly opened again after all this time of you making progress moving on. You do not deserve all this heartbreak therefor you have the right to do things on your time, not his. I really feel for you and send you much strength <3 Know you have support here.

-j
- This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Jane.
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