Home→Forums→Relationships→Struggling to get over a break up
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January 4, 2016 at 3:14 am #91285NSC33Participant
My boyfriend and I had a serious relationship for 2 years, we shared many happy memories and happy times together and talked about the future and of us getting married and having our own family. He was my second long term relationship and I believed it was real. At the end of November he came to me one evening and told me that I need to let him go as he isn’t himself anymore and he doesn’t like feeling like that. This destroyed me completely as it was the last thing I expected to hear. I love him so much and its not easy to just let him go. We have seen each other a few times to talk about what went wrong and I have given him time to decide what he wants, I just don’t want to give up on something that I want so badly. I reach some very low points sometimes and feel that the only solution is for me to end my life as I don’t know what the future holds for me and I don’t know how I am going to get there. Sometimes it feels like I talk nonsense into my own head and start believing the nonsense that I create and this makes me even more depressed. I reached a low point this last Saturday and sent him a message asking if I could phone him to talk if he was available, he phoned me back immediately as I sobbed on the phone to him about how much I don’t want to believe that its over and how much I miss him. I was very independent before our relationship but somehow I fell so hard for this man that I don’t know what to do with myself without him.
Any advice would be appreciated, I just don’t know how to deal with myself anymore.
January 4, 2016 at 4:52 am #91286CParticipantHello,
I have been going through a similar situation, though for me hope of any relationship again (with the ex) has now gone.
I had been with my partner 9 years since my late teens, I was totally sold that this was it. We were engaged, we discussed kids and marriage etc. Now he is with someone else, this happened just a few months after our breakup. So whilst I am repairing several pieces of a broken heart he is off enjoying himself (I assume).
I have never been single as an adult and now I am approaching 30 with no experience of dating and with only 1 relationship behind me! It is hard work and before it ended I basically begged him to take me back, something I will NEVER do again because I feel such a fool now.
I like you thought my world was over and no longer saw the point in anything, I spent weeks in bed, I refused to eat, I cried the way to and from work when I could face it, and on breaks, and cried self to sleep – the times that I could sleep that is. Even when I did sleep it was dreams of him and her, things my mind was throwing together.
I have not completed my healing journey yet but things that helped me and continue to help me, and I dread to think where I would be now without all of this : Counsellor (I was already seeing her from a family bereavement), an EFT – emotional freedom technique therapist – meditation – reading all sorts of blogs, stories, break up books, my friends and family time when I did drag self from bed, I also took a holiday on my own to America (organised tour), got some independence back and that felt amazing, did things I wouldn’t usually (festivals etc). Also don’t try and rush your feelings, if you need to cry then cry, if you need to scream then scream. It cannot stay in or it will eat you up.
I saw him and her in our local town afew days ago shopping and felt instant pain and anxiety but after that I felt abit relieved that it was finally done with and that I could go wherever I wanted and I wouldn’t die just from seeing them. He looked happy and I love/loved him so I want him to be happy. Part of my heart will always belong to him I think.
It still hurts some days but I guess what I am trying to say is that time WILL help it and I hated everyone that said that to me. Focus all your energy, attention and love back on yourself because life does and will carry on with or without him.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
January 4, 2016 at 4:59 am #91287CParticipantI also found – Eddie Corbano at Lovesagame website very useful too 🙂
January 4, 2016 at 6:04 am #91289NekoshemaParticipantSorry to hear that.
Did he explain why he doesn’t “feel like himself” anymore? If it’s something to do with him, you need to figure out a way to accept this or it Wil drive you crazy. If it’s something like you rely on him too much emotionally [example] perhaps you should try some emotional mastery and take this alone time as an opportunity to grow as a person. While it’s nice to have someone to talk to and help work through emotions with, the other person can get drained. Idk if you call a helpline or seek a counselor but it might help you and take the pressure off him.
Another point you should do some personal care for yourself, not because he might come back. This situation is a blessing in disguise. It’s sad, and I know it won’t be easy, but one day you’ll look back and be grateful. Good luck to you.
January 4, 2016 at 6:34 am #91290InkyParticipantDear NSC33,
The problem with sudden breakups is this: The other person has usually been thinking of breaking up for months. Getting used to the waters mentally, so to speak. But for the rest of us it’s like being thrown into freezing water suddenly. The other person is all “OK” with it because they’ve been tiptoeing slowly into the pool for a while now!!
And whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic!! Make a list of things to do, people to see and places to go. A long one. Promise yourself you won’t do anything rash until you’ve gone down the list! A year later, you will find yourself in a much better place, I promise!
With this one, love him lightly, hold on loosely. This next year DON’T call him, cling to him, etc.! Let him contact YOU in 2016. But then don’t call him back immediately. Give it a few days. Communicate with him from a good place.
Blessings,
Inky
January 4, 2016 at 8:19 am #91296AnonymousGuestDear NSC33:
You wrote: “We have seen each other a few times to talk about what went wrong”- yet you didn’t mention what went wrong, what he told you went wrong. What did he say? It can help to examine his answers, if any.
anita
January 4, 2016 at 10:27 am #91310NSC33ParticipantThank you everyone for your support and insight, it’s been a tough month for me, I’ve also been on antidepressants which I don’t know if it’s such a good idea as I’m scared that it’s just blocking other emotions that I should be facing. In the times that we have sat down and spoken he says that it’s him and he isn’t ready to make a commitment, we’re both in our early 30’s but I am a few years older than him and I don’t know if he’s putting pressure on himself because of this. He also said that he needs to see the girl in me that he first fell in love with, I know we became comfortable with each other and I probably took it for granted that he would just be there. I have begged him to give “us” another chance but he is determined that he needs time. I’m afraid that after this “time” that he will just let me down. I think that if he didn’t love me at all he would have just walked away, but I don’t know if this time thing is any easier. I still have some of his belongings at my house but he told me that he’s not taking it now. This is confusing me so much because I feel rejected but. My last long term relationship ended with my ex cheating on me after 5 years together, he also just suddenly broke up with me before I found out but I found out very quickly because she fell pregnant and they got married almost immediately, just as my relationship ended with him. That was my first experience of heart break and I still had to see him daily as I worked with him. It came back to him this past year and he is now divorced because the woman he left me for cheated on him! That first heart break took me a while to recover from, I also set my standards high and didn’t just settle for anyone until my recent ex came along, it took a lot for me to be able to open my heart to love again and this is what happened. I will take some of your advice, I will make my list. I have also been through the stages of not eating, not sleeping, not wanting to get out of bed, at least those symptoms seem to be fading a bit now. I agree that he probably had been thinking about this for a while and that is why he was more ready to face it than being the one receiving the news.
January 4, 2016 at 10:39 am #91311NSC33ParticipantAnd when I asked what went so wrong he said that he couldn’t pinpoint one thing, that’s it’s just a feeling that he has and he’s not happy.
January 4, 2016 at 10:48 am #91312AnonymousGuestDear NSC33:
I appreciate you giving time and effort to my question about what he said went wrong. So let me think about it as I type this: he said he couldn’t pinpoint one thing, that he is not happy in the relationship, that he lost sight of the girl in you that he fell in love with, that he is not ready for commitment. From all this, I am not getting any information that makes it any clearer to me why he was not happy… nothing.
As far as the antidepressants you are on- how long has it been since you started taking those? What kind or kinds… how long into the relationship and before the breakup…
And why did you start taking those?
I am willing to examine this with you, if you are interested. This is why I am asking these questions. Will respond further, if you are willing as well.
anita
January 5, 2016 at 3:52 am #91363NSC33ParticipantThank you for your help Anita. I have been on the antidepressants since the breakup, I am on Cipralex 20mg, it does feel like it helps but it feels like I am putting a band aid on a wound that should be left open to heal. I do still get emotional and do still cry at times when I find myself thinking too much about all of this.
From what I get from him I am also left with not knowing exactly why he isn’t happy. In my mind our relationship was just the same for most of the 2 years that we were together. When I ask him what it is that he wants to do then he tells me that he doesn’t know, that he just doesn’t feel like himself and that I am happy to just relax at home where he needs more than just this. It isn’t really like me to just sit around doing nothing but when he was there with me and he wanted my attention then I gave it to him and didn’t do other things around the house, ect. I feel like he needed my attention a lot in the relationship and I did make time when he was there to give this to him but maybe this wasn’t enough for him? He says that I am also a lot calmer than him, too calm in fact. He also said that we have two completely different personalities but I never saw this as an issue. He also said that I don’t do much on my own outside of the relationship, but this is how I have always been, I have a few close friends and I do socialize with them every now and then but they are also married and have their husbands to attend to. I have hobbies that I do at home which I know he isn’t interested in which is okay with me because these are my things that I enjoy. I have also recently bought my own business that keeps me busy, he told me that he is envious of my attention to my business and he knows that isn’t how he should be feeling, that he should support me but he doesn’t. He is also successful with his own business and I have always allowed him the time and respect to do what he needs to do for his business. I really love him and felt like out relationship was meant to be, I didn’t realize that he wasn’t happy until it is too late for me to have a chance in making it work. I am really scared that he meets someone else in this “time” apart and this is the worst feeling for me. This is constantly on my mind as I don’t have very clear answers from him. He said that he doesn’t want to just abandon me, that he hates leaving me in such an emotional state but he needs time. Originally I gave him a few days to re-think his decision to just leave, and that’s when he came back with telling me that he needs time, he doesn’t know how much or how long but he just needs to be away. I don’t know if he is saying he needs time just to keep me feeling like I am not abandoned at the moment, but I also don’t want to be stringed a long only to discover that it was never his intention to come back. When we last saw each other he told me that he needs to miss me and want to come “home” but he doesn’t feel this yet.
January 5, 2016 at 7:32 am #91366AnonymousGuestDear NSC33:
“Sounds” to me that he is unhappy. Not just with you. Something is wrong.. unsettled in him. He has felt that …wrongness in him more acutely when in your company. So he wants a relief for his distress. For a while he felt calmer when away from you, so he wants more of that calm and less distress. This is what I get out of this. What distresses him?
I just re-read all your posts here. I am thinking he may not know himself what has been distressing him for a while during your relationship. starting before you knew anything was wrong. Obviously he didn’t tell you clearly that something was wrong, or clearly enough for you to notice. He may have said things and you didn’t notice. Maybe he said nothing. I am assuming what he did say, that you are too calm, that you two have completely different personalities, that he is jealous of your attention to your new business, that you don’t have enough life outside of the relationship with him, that you stay at home too much… that all this he told you after the breakup?
If so, he didn’t say anything earlier, maybe trying to not destroy your calmness, maybe not wanting to hurt you, maybe he was confused and didn’t know what was going on with him… maybe he still does not.
The only way to find out is to communicate more. Obviously, there was a failure in communication. You didn’t talk enough. Something has been bothering him for a while, and ongoing, persistent distress and the two of you did not talk about it.
When he said you are too calm he was really saying that HE was distressed, not calm like you. Did he say that after the breakup or before?
I will wait for your reply, if you will reply to me and, if you would like, continue to examine this further.
anita
January 6, 2016 at 3:38 am #91507NSC33ParticipantHi Anita,
In terms of what distresses him I can think of a few things, he has some issues that he has never dealt with from previous relationships namely trust issues. I have been aware of this since the start of our relationship and I haven’t let it get me down knowing where it comes from. When we first met he said that what he liked the most about me was my ability to just calm him down as soon as he saw me, but now this same calmness became too much and he didn’t like it anymore. He didn’t mention any of this to me while we were still in a relationship, only when it ended. He did say once or twice towards the end of the relationship that he wasn’t feeling himself but I didn’t understand what he meant and told him that he needs to find things that he enjoys doing for himself. I do agree that communication must have been an issue because I didn’t know these things until it was too late. I also don’t know what has been bothering him, why he has been distressed in our relationship, I haven’t ever given him any reason to not trust me or doubt my loyalty to him.
While we were together we talked about the future and had already started buying furniture together for our home one day, this was only a few months ago and I feel that if he made a decision to leave me then it must have been towards the end. I still have these items and his other belongings but he said that he doesn’t want to take it now. I’m so scared that he will not give us another chance, I truly love him and I am prepared to fix what I can from my side but I don’t think he feels the same. He has dated many girls in his life but has only had one other serious relationship before me where he considered marriage. I feel that we have come so far that we shouldn’t just give up now.January 6, 2016 at 7:15 am #91513AnonymousGuestDear NSC33:
From reading your posts, I see you as a very reasonable, logical, practical person and that you care for him. It seems to me at this point that he is making a big mistake. That is a shame. People often make choices that are not good for them on the long run just so to run away from distress that needs to be confronted and dealt with.
Like you wrote, you are prepared to fix what you can from your side, understanding there is his side that you cannot fix. The failure in communication is from both sides. It was his responsibility to communicate with you along the relationship what was going on with him and reach out to you.
It puzzles me that he complained that you became too calm for him. It means to me that you were so calm, quiet that his own voices, in his own head, became too loud. If he only communicated with you what those voices were saying to him…
I read that you are scared and love him so much. That you had plans with him and you are still hoping. I wish there was a way for communicating now and getting back together. Do you think it would make sense for you, if what I wrote means something significant to you, about him hearing his own voices louder… if you gently asked him about the thoughts he did not share with you while you were together. What if you asked him about those, telling him you want to understand, not to pressure him.. tell him honestly how you still feel about him, that you are scared and that you want to know what it was he was thinking, all alone, for a long time. Tell him you want to hear him now…?
anita
January 7, 2016 at 4:35 am #91666NSC33ParticipantThanks Anita, I do understand what you are saying about the voices in his head being louder than the calmness, I will try and find out what it it that he was thinking during this time when I speak to him again and let you know what the outcome of this is. I will probably speak to him again in a few weeks, I want to give him his time for now and respect that, I also probably need some time to process all of this and come up with the right tools and questions for when I do speak to him. I have told him how scared I am of losing him and how strongly I feel that he is making a mistake, I’m not sure, if by me telling him this, that this is the reason that he said that he needs time instead of just leaving me outright. I will have to approach him differently, and not be so emotional myself because when I am like that I can’t think clearly and all I think of is what I want, and nothing else. Thank you for always responding to me, this is really helping me.
January 7, 2016 at 9:41 am #91677AnonymousGuestDear NSC33:
You are welcome. I like it that you are taking the time you need. And indeed, thinking when very emotional is ineffective, like thinking-under-the-influence-of-emotions. Take your time and please do post again… when you need to, anytime!
anita
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