Dear Tom:

This morning, I went through all your posts over the years, along with some of my responses to you. I want to take a moment to acknowledge how deeply you reflect on your experiences and how much thought you put into navigating challenges in both your career and relationships. Your ability to analyze your feelings and seek solutions is truly admirable, and it’s clear that you are always striving to make things better—not just for yourself, but also for the people around you.

One of the qualities that stands out about you is your kindness and attentiveness. Over the years, you’ve consistently shown appreciation for my thoughts, engaged with my posts—as well as those from other members—in such a considerate way, and demonstrated a level of empathy that isn’t always easy to find. The fact that you offer support even while working through your own struggles is a testament to your strength.

Your first post in the forums and my first reply to you were on December 20, 2016. For years, we didn’t discuss your childhood until, on September 7, 2024, I asked: “As I went over your threads this morning, I noticed that we never discussed your childhood, where I assume your anxiety took hold, and that such a discussion may be helpful…?”

On September 8–9, 2024, you responded: “My parents were not disapproving. My mum and dad had a troubled relationship but never separated (officially). I have never fully been able to express my fears and concerns with them… I didn’t like arguments, which made me anxious as to when the next one would be. I’m not sure how they would react to me saying I can’t express my fears to them, but they must be aware that we don’t speak on a deep level… My childhood was good—I had a good bunch of friends and did okay at school/uni. At home, we were okay. My dad worked in London and had a stressful job. He and my mum had a strained relationship and would often fight. As a child, I hated conflict and would often be worried about when the next fight would be. Sometimes, they became very heated, even violent. I would try to appease the situation if I could. They had deeper issues, including a daughter who was given up for adoption, which was never spoken about, and I’ve never met her. I’ve always been naturally a quiet, shy person until I get to know someone and come out of my shell.”

The next time you shared about your childhood was today: “I grew up in a good home with good parents, but there was often lots of arguing, which has always made me shy away from arguments and not like conflict.”

From everything you’ve shared, it seems like some of the challenges you face—particularly anxiety around uncertainty and ambiguity, fear of failure, and difficulty with emotional vulnerability—have deeper roots in childhood experiences. Growing up in a home with tension, arguments, and unpredictability likely shaped your tendency to avoid conflict, seek reassurance, and overthink decisions. It makes complete sense that these early experiences could now influence your relationships and career.

In relationships, you often worry about shifts in communication and seek clarity about where you stand. This likely stems from childhood, where stability and emotional openness weren’t adequately present. Your deep investment and sensitivity are strengths, but addressing your fear of rejection and need for certainty could help you feel even more secure.

At work, the fear of making mistakes, feeling out of your depth, and struggling with confidence all seem tied to early experiences where you may have felt responsible for maintaining peace or managing tension at home. Seeking external validation before taking risks makes sense, but finding stronger internal confidence could help you feel more at ease.

I believe that exploring these patterns—not just in your thread here, but in professional therapy—could give you deeper insight into yourself and unlock a sense of clarity and confidence that would make life so much easier for you. Therapy could provide the tools to break cycles of overthinking, process childhood impacts in a meaningful way, and help you navigate situations (whether in work or relationships) with greater trust in yourself.

You’re already doing so much—exercising, practicing gratitude, and speaking with a career coach—but I truly believe that addressing these foundational patterns with the right professional support could be life-changing. You deserve to feel lighter, more self-assured, and less weighed down by uncertainty.

Whatever you decide, I’m always here to listen. And I hope you continue to recognize the strength and goodness in yourself because you have so much to offer.

Take care, and sending you support always.

anita