Very brief background incase people don’t know me and my background. I am 37, married and have 3 beautiful children. 4 years ago my brother attacked me and a year before my husband, he has serious mental health issues. As a result of me not forgiving him all my siblings and mother turned their backs on me and I’ve not been part of the family since. After the attack I soon developed anxiety and agoraphobia due to panic attacks outside. I a year later develeloped intrusive thoughts which is when I found this forum. I had great advice, had some therapy to help me accept the intrusives and life got so much better. I had anxiety in the background but I started facing all my appointments again after being agoraphobic. I went to to the dentist, nurse, blood tests, opticians, GP… I faced it all, it was hard but I did them all and was proud. Life got good again.

Then last summer I noticed I didn’t feel too well. I had really bad fatigue and muscle weakness that came on gradual. By September I felt pretty bad but just put it down to maybe some anxiety. I went for a blood test in the September as my GP was concerned and on the day I felt unwell. The nurse kept me waiting 45 minutes and my anxiety rocketed, I had a huge panic attack in the nurses room and couldn’t escape as I went all faint and dizzy. I was on the bed crying I couldn’t leave I felt so ill everytime I stood up. The nurse calmed me and said I’d had a panic attack because I was more vulnerable being unwell and helped me out of the surgery. I felt such a fool and from that day on I felt my agoraphobia creep back in gradually.

In the October my son told me he was being bullied again, he had recently started high school and stupidly they put him in a class with his primary school bully who used to physically hurt him. I had to fight to get him out of the class. My son became full of fear and was suicidal. It was the worst 3 months of my life and during that time daily having to help my son through his depression and severe panic about school I became very ill. My daughter was rushed into hospital with breathing difficulties as she had croup and I was struggling. I one day just broke down after 3 weeks of stress beforehand seeing my son deteriorate and from that day my chronic fatigue and weakness made me bed ridden for 3 days, my husband called the GP out and he diagnosed stress and a breakdown due to how traumatic it was seeing my son like that. He was fantastic and did his best to help my son and get the school to help us too. I had more bloods done and it showed my thyroid was infact struggling. I was diagnosed subclinical and every 6 weeks he re tested it. By May my thyroid had rocketed and I needed thyroxine. My GP diagnosed an underactive thyroid, chronic fatigue syndrome, and on top low iron, low B12 and vitamin d levels. He recommended I tried therapy for trauma as he said I’d had my fair share of it the last 4 years, I refused but in July decided to give it a try.

My therapist is lovely but everything she has taught me I obviously know from having had anxiety and agoraphobia before. Since starting therapy my anxiety has become a little worse and my mood has dipped. I don’t usually suffer depression unless my anxiety is in a bad spell. She obviously had me dig up my past, so I had to focus on my family and the time with my brother. She has made it clear how toxic my family are and that I did right walking away from them but she likens me to a traumatised child who has been abandoned and hurt time and time again and she said I continue to be hurt when I allow my mother or sisters to contact me or my children. Which she is probably right. She has taught me some things and it’s helped but I have made it clear that I want to work on the agoraphobia not focus on PTSD and the past. Last session she said my agoraphobia maybe part of me subconciously indulges in it because then my husband is with me every time I go in a shop or social event incase I bump into my brother or sisters as that would scare me. I disagreed and told her this time around it’s returned since my bad panic attack in the nurses room and I lost all confidence being as ill as I’ve been the last 12 months. I am not scared of bumping into my family.

I am on thyroxine now and slowly it’s helping me, I am 4 months in. They are still trying to get me on the right dose but I am starting to feel a little better and as a result I’m working on a fear hierarchy I have made myself and working on exposure work. During my ill health I lost all confidence, I was so ill for about the first 6 months that I was bed ridden a lot. As a result of the sheer weakness, fatigue and dizziness it caused I basically cut the world out, I was too ill to go out other than the school run. I also lost all confidence in myself as I’ve lost a lot of my hair and eyebrows, my face puffed up, gained weight and I looked dreadful. I have found since the nurses room panic I can’t do appointments and when I have needed a GP appointment we have done it over the phone or he has seen me 3 times at home over the last year. I need a blood test again in 2 weeks and I am so scared, he will come to my house to do it but I get terribly fearful of them since the nurses room. That day seems to have had a huge effect on me.

Back a couple of years ago when I was working on my agoraphobia I know I didn’t have the health complication but I had this inner voice that gave me strength to do things. I now avoid appointments where possible, I rely on my husband to take the children to their appointments now and socially I always need my husband with me to socialise. I hate it and I feel a complete failure for being like this again but I’d say this time round my agoraphobia and social anxiety is worse. Back 2 years ago I had this inner confidence that I could do anything for my kids. I found a breast lump and I went to get it checked even though agoraphobic knowing I’d do anything for my children. That seems to have gone from inside me this year, why is that? That inner confidence, that inner voice and need to still do all my appointments for the sake of my children has vanished and now I feel helpless like i can’t face things. I spoke to my therapist and she said it’s the ill health too as that’s still going on and I do still have days where I am poorly and can just about do the school run then get home to rest. I know it’s an added complication but I’d say the ill health has certainly brought this agoraphobia and social anxiety return much worse than it ever was and I can’t understand that. I have the hierarchy and I am starting to work on things again but I can’t seem to find that inner confidence or voice I used to have that always got me through things and made me face things.

I hope that makes sense. I am sorry it got long. I don’t enjoy this because I am working so hard to overcome this, paying a fortune for therapy, daily working on exposures no matter if I am feeling unwell that day. I am trying very hard and setbacks are rough and in my case I have this ill health that’s complicated it as I have had way too long indoors too unwell to do exposure work and get back out. I have beaten myself up for relying on my husband to take my children to appointments and I feel less of a mother and wife. Since June I have taken my children on holiday and some days out, I face shops each week, drives… so I am building on things but appointments I still can’t seem to face as that inner confidence has vanished. it’s like I don’t have the same frame of mind I had last time I faced this and I can’t think why it’s not there. I may sound mad but can anyone relate? I feel guilty because I used to face any appointment and would do it for my babies, now I can’t seem to and that concerns me. I always live in fear now of ever being that ill again, or what if I found a lump and needed hospital treatment, would i even be able to go… those kind of horrible thoughts. I hate how intense the agoraphobia and social anxiety is this time. Being ill has really had a horrible effect on me.

Any advice? is it even worth continuing therapy? I pay private £40 a week. She is good but she’s increased my anxiety telling me I have PTSD and it’s that I need to work on. I feel very confused and I swear it’s made me much worse. Therapy has increased my anxiety and caused me to feel unreality most days and very afraid. Any advice apprecaited, even spiritual advice on some nice books to read. I feel my head is constnatly stuck in thinking mode, worrying about every symptom, worrying I can’t seem to get to appointments, worrying I am dying from some awful illness because I haven’t yet had the blood tests my GP wants me to have…. it’s all day and I hate it 🙁 My poor brain is exhausted which I guess is why I feel so tired and unreal each day.

Julie