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Struggling with anxiety

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  • March 20, 2019 at 2:45 pm #285491
    norit
    Participant

    Hello. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed, and thought I’d just type here, and try to think it through rationally. I’ve been so anxious over the past few months for no reason I can pin point, and this has come up.

    Last week I was offered an opportunity to move out. The deadline is next week to confirm it or not. It is only a few miles away from where I live now with my family, but it would be some space from the arguments, and my poor mum. I feel overwhelmed, and can’t think rationally about any of it. At first it seemed like such a good idea but now my brain keeps catastrophising and assuming the worst will happen.

    – I feel bad leaving my mum, as she is a victim of abuse and struggling with addiction, but I know I can’t do anything about it. I believe she will get worse if I leave, but she is slowly getting worse with me there anyway. I am the only person who is nice to her in our family, or supportive, and I hate to think how alone she will be without me.
    – From what I’ve been told, I can afford it with the support of benefits. I think it might be quite tight financially, but there’s no way of knowing aside from rough estimates.
    – My original aim was to move to the city because I don’t drive, and it would open up a lot of opportunities. However to move to the city I’d need to work, and I don’t work yet, and still struggle with anxiety. I’m on disability benefits for it. It feels like a little while before I’ll be able to work. But I’m afraid desparation to leave home might mean I make the wrong choice?
    – Because it’s not in the city, and I don’t drive, I will be at about the same level of isolation I’m at now. It won’t be that much different I don’t think.
    – On the plus side, being away from my family may be such a healthy move for me that I finally have time to put myself first. I might feel brave enough to look for work, or (money-depending) learn to drive so that I wouldn’t be quite so isolated.

    To be offered a house through the council is very difficult and a really good opportunity. I’ve been on the waiting list for years. At first it made so much sense to me to move there, but now I can’t tell if this is a good thing anymore. Anxiety seems to be creeping in and I can’t bring it back down to to rational levels. I feel very grateful for this opportunity; because it is through the council, the rent is much cheaper than if I was paying privately, which is why I can afford it.

    I think it’s the right move. But then I keep getting suicidal thoughts too. What if it isn’t and I just keep messing things up? What if I accept and then can’t afford it?

    I’m trying to take one day at a time, and also think of it in that way. If I think of the smaller picture, for the forseeable future, to move there would be a step forward, I think? But then I keep getting overwhelmed and it all seems so big, like everything is depending on this decision.

    It’s helpful to write this out. I might keep rambling and getting more anxious. Thank you to anyone who has read.

    March 20, 2019 at 3:17 pm #285497
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear norit:

    Welcome back!

    I am not focused enough to reply to you as thoroughly as I would like but I am writing anyway to suggest to you that you confirm the offer as soon as possible and take the opportunity to move out of your parents’ home- it is looooooong overdue.

    Please re-read your previous threads as calmly as you can, take notes and you will see that moving out is a good move. You’ve been anxious for many years, no wonder you are anxious now as well. Choose well for you  in spite of this anxiety.

    I will be back in about 14 hours. I hope other members reply to you as well. Please add as many posts as you want, type as much as you want into your thread, it may help with your anxiety. I will read all that you add here and will reply when I am back to the computer.

    anita

    March 20, 2019 at 6:26 pm #285519
    Mark
    Participant

    norit,

    I find as a great rule-of-thumb is to make decisions out of love, not fear.  You have listed all the “what ifs” scenarios that can be bad which all comes from fear.

    You have been on the waiting list for years.  You know that this is a healthy move and you have the opportunity to put yourself first.

    Your anxiety, catastrophising, guilt and sense of overwhelm are all coming from your fears.  It seems that you will feel that way regardless of your life circumstances.  Am I right?

    You can always move back in with your mother.

    Mark

    March 21, 2019 at 7:43 am #285581
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear norit:

    How interesting it is that you posted exactly on this date a year ago and two years ago.

    On March 21, 2017 you posted a reply to a member, Henry: “Hello Henry, My thoughts: In order to be your best for other people, would it not be good to love yourself first? Focus on yourself, show yourself love, spend time and energy on yourself. That way you can be your best self for others. E.g. My mum has spent several years putting everyone else first. She’s now exhausted, has no life of her own, is very depressed and lost… I wish more than anything she would care about herself and focus on herself. I miss the person she used to be when she had her own life and hobbies- and seeing her joy made me happy, so she is happy and I am happy too”.

    – what this two year old post tells me is that you are having a difficulty leaving your mother’s home because you need her (not because she needs you). You need her to be happy and you are still trying to make her happy, still waiting to see her happy. It is as if you resolved to not leave your mother until you see her happy.

    But for your mother’s own interest, it is better that you move out because it will make it more possible for her to .. focus on herself, just what you would like her to do!

    Your post of a year ago, March 21, 2018 was written to me. You wrote there: “If someone were to think of me all the time, and put me first all the time.. it’d make me quite uncomfortable to be honest.. they wouldn’t feel like a friend, but more like a servant”-

    – don’t think about your mother all the time, don’t put her first.. don’t be her servant. After all, it is better for her if you do move out.

    anita

     

    March 29, 2019 at 3:03 pm #286943
    norit
    Participant

    Mark – I think you are right. I find it quite disheartening to acknowledge that my anxiety will always be there, whatever the life circumstances. I value finding the positive in things, yet my brain’s instinct is to look for the negative.
    Thank you for sharing your rule of thumb, and going to note it down. 🙂

    Anita – Thank you for the welcome back. I looked back as you suggested on my previous posts; a bit surreal actually, reading how I was doing and seeing how much has changed in myself. Thank you for sharing the points you made, it gave me a lot to think about. 🙂

    I thought lots on what you both said and decided to go for it. I got the keys on Wednesday. Can’t move in just yet as I need to buy some essentials first, but hopefully within the next ten days. I am nervous/excited, and feel very fortunate the opportunity has come my way.

    My brain is still worrying, and I’ve been getting suicidal thoughts still, despite something positive happening. All of this seems too good to be true – I keep waiting for something bad to happen. I feel guilty for thinking negative things when this is such a positive and lucky thing!

    March 30, 2019 at 8:09 am #286979
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear norit:

    You are welcome. I am looking forward to you posting (before and) after you move to your own place, I am excited for you!

    “I  keep waiting for something bad to happen”- but something bad already happened, you already worry, “getting suicidal thoughts still”- some bad things already happened to bring about your significant anxiety and poor quality of life so far. What happened is your family home, that hostile place that you will be leaving soon, finally!

    Progress will take place, your quality of life will improve once you move out of your family home, stay away and start the healing process living on your own, away from the war-zone called home.

    anita

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