Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→struggling with teen daughter, need advice
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June 30, 2018 at 7:46 pm #214861
Rosie
ParticipantIt used to be that Miss M adored me. We used to have such fun together……….and then she became a teenager. She just graduated from high school. And now we cannot get through a day without one or the other of us getting annoyed or upset. She is SUPER critical of me and I feel like I can’t do anything right. Today it happened again.
We went to Target today to buy her a different water bottle. I tap her on the shoulder to show her something and she says “don’t tap my shoulder, I don’t like it.” She may have said please. Regardless……we got into another argument because I get so tired of her saying things like this. And it feels like yet another criticism. I feel like I can’t do or say anything right. She tells me she’s not annoyed and she was being respectful when she asked me not to touch her. There have been times I’ve tried to hug her and I get “I don’t want a hug.” And I do take that personally. She’s sullen most of the time and hardly offers any affection. Did I mention she’s a teenager?
I am very sensitive and she throws that in my face all the time. And she did it again today. yay. not. Like I don’t know that I’m sensitive? I feel like we both have expectations of the other that can’t be met. She’d like me to stop taking things so personally. And I would like her to listen to the things I say. I tell her not to do something over and over again. She continues to do the thing I ask her not to do. How do I not get frustrated with that? I think the key is to not have ANY expectations whatsoever. But how does one accomplish that? I am googling at the moment and reading some stuff. But I am 58 and have had a lifelong issue of being too sensitive. It doesn’t help that my daughter criticizes me nearly daily. It’s hard to take!!
Does anyone have any advice? And, if this belongs in the parenting section, please move this post. To me, since it’s the relationship that needs help I thought this section was appropriate.
Thanks for any advice.
July 1, 2018 at 5:05 am #214897Anonymous
GuestDear Rosie:
It will be easy, and I believe inaccurate, to respond to your post with something like: oh, she is a teenager, all teenagers are like this… she will grow out of it, etc.
Her age has something to do with her state of mind and life, of course, but the nature of the trouble, whatever it is, in not a product of her age, but a product of the relationship itself, between you and her, I believe.
You wrote that she criticizes you (being “SUPER critical of me”) but the examples you gave she told you that she doesn’t want you to tap her shoulder or to hug her. Where is the criticism?
Reads to me that she is angry with you and that is why she doesn’t want you to touch her and why otherwise she is not affectionate with you. Any ideas why she is angry?
anita
July 1, 2018 at 6:05 am #214919coconut
ParticipantHello. My opinion is that you should give her more space and leave her be, not expecting her to act a certain way just because you want that. I understand that she’s your daughter and want her to act nice. She loves you, she just isn’t affectionate. You are too observant to every word or gesture she does.. it’s not healthy for neither of you.
July 6, 2018 at 7:53 pm #215739Rosie
Participantyou’re right anita that my example wasn’t of her criticizing me. and yes, she is angry. there are many reasons why.
one of my friends also said to give her space so that’s what I’ve been doing. and working on not expecting anything from her.
I don’t think either of us will be happy until she goes to college. until then, I hold my tongue and expect nothing from her. but it hurts. we used to have such fun together. and then she became a teenager.
July 7, 2018 at 3:52 am #215759Anonymous
GuestDear Rosie:
Probably better if you find a way that the two of you can have an honest conversation, or a series of conversations. Maybe in the context of family therapy, if such is available to you. From your previous threads, you read like such a likeable, reasonable person and so very gracious, responding kindly to all those who posted on your threads. Reads like you have good social skills. Yet, a relationship with one own teenager daughter is a different ball game, isn’t it?
But it is still doable, just more difficult. I do hope you have a series of honest conversations with her, that she will share with you her thoughts and feelings, and that however painful it may be for you, that you will be able to listen to her empathetically and respectfully and that progress can be made, healing can take place in the relationship.
anita
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