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    Hi everyone,

    So for the past 7 months now I’ve been really depressed. I moved in with my aunt around that time and things have gotten tough. A few months prior I was finally put on meds for my MD and anxiety. It was the first time I’d felt normal in YEARS. I’ve been searching for a doctor for meds but after a while gave up. The stress of dealing with unwanted warnings from others on how easy it is to become hooked, really bad and expensive appointments with the wrong doctors, etc. I just tried to wing it but I knew from the start it wasn’t going to work.

    I moved to start school but eventually stopped a month before the exam. Lost my job, I just don’t feel anymore. Like I don’t care that my life is tanking but part of me still really does since I hope there’s better out there. I’m writing this post just to vent, I feel like I’ve lost myself. I’m 23 and many say I’m young so I have a lot of time but I don’t feel like living anymore. It’s just frustrating. I’m my own worst enemy, I’m selfish, I’ve just become this really toxic, angry person I don’t recognize. I keep rehearsing why I’m so fucked up and blame all the adults in my life but it’s realky just me holding me back now. I don’t want that responsibility though. It’s selfish of me to say, yes, but when I think about my future I envision nothing. I go through daily life just being bitter or trying to make others happy as best I can so I can feel just a little valuable.

    I just don’t want to give up this anger I have for my family. It sounds stupid but I waited years and felt like God left me. I want to be my own karma now. I’ve never actually owned my own self, if that makes sense? My body wasn’t my own, my mind, my spirit, so it’s like I’m plopped in the real world and told “Be yourself! Love yourself!” And I couldn’t even tell you who she is! I thought parents were supposed to help one to grow and understand life. I feel more confused than ever and angry! Angry at their mistakes.

    I fight with myself on this all the time because they’re only human but shouldn’t parents want to protect their children from harm? Not perpetuate it. I see the way I’m beginning to hurt others too, Hell, my own MOM doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore! I just feel alone. I don’t trust anything because fuck that. If I can’t trust my own blood, who can I trust? I just want help. I wanna finish therapy and stabilize so I can feel at least a bit sane. I was never a person to be so harsh and disrespectful but I find myself doing more and more of these things silently hoping it’ll end my life. Im too scared to do it, I’ve tried, but who knows? The world is so unpredictable. But I have little backup plans for when my life takes it’s final turn south. My life just seems too fucked up to ever be repaired. I’ve already lost myself, a lot of my family, I feel from time to time even though I can be really happy around people I’m comfortable with, I get too anxious my friends are going to hurt me so I only have acquaintances…. I feel like I’ve fully taken on the persona of my abusers and literally can’t stomach my own reflection sometimes. Seeing this really awkward, weird girl who’s a lot smarter than she lets on. I just don’t wanna be this fucked up forever, any advice?


    Dear Kennisha:

    Welcome back! I read your posts in your May 2017 thread and was surprised that I didn’t respond to your last post there. I must have missed it. If I knew it was there I would have responded to it back then (sometimes a post is submitted but does not reflect on the page listing the  topics).

    “my own MOM doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore!”- is it a bad thing?

    “if I can’t trust my own blood, who can I trust?”- those who are worthy of your trust, not your family.

    “I just don’t want to give up this anger I have for my family”- anger has a purpose, to protect us. For as long as you feel threatened by your family, you will continue to feel anger at them. For as long as part of you is waiting for them, for your mother, I think, to talk to you again, to love you, you will also continue to feel angry at her.

    “shouldn’t parents want to protect their children from hard? Not perpetuate it”- yes, they should. But too often they don’t. Or they protect their children from one kind of harm (most commonly hunger and cold) but perpetuate severe harm otherwise. What is the point, after all, to have a fed, clothed body that is … not yours (“My body wasn’t my own, my mind, my spirit”).

    There is hope for you though because in my case too, my body and mind wasn’t my own. Taking possession of my mind, that is a healing process you can still take on. Healing is part of nature, it is available for you as it is for me.


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