Stuck between stay or go… advice and personal experiences needed,

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    At the beginning of December 2023 I met someone who quickly ended up being the deepest romantic connection I’ve ever felt. At only 21 I don’t know much about love after a bad relationship a few years ago I do know he is the the safest most wonderful man I have ever met. My issue lies entirely in the fact that he can’t pick me. About a month ago I confronted the fact we were not yet in a relationship and shut him down. I told him I was going to walk away and thanked him for the time we had together. I ended up going back on that decision after a very long conversation with him about the topic. I swear he can read my mind he is like a mirror to me. The reason we are not together is because he is moving for a year and then off to medical school. Honestly, this guy is it for me. I’m a picky as ever girl after my last relationship and it took 2+ years of first dated to find someone like him. It felt like fate when I met him. But he’s moving. It feels like this big joke on me, some lesson I need to learn or something. He doesn’t want to commit to me if he can’t give me his all. I get it. We decided to just date each other and create positive memories until he moves in August. Deep down I really hope that he changes but I’m not betting on it that he will. My issue is this: do I stay and make memories and connect deeply with this man, or do I choose self-respect and go. It’s a struggle constantly in my mind of fear that I won’t find a connection like this again vs me being pissed off at myself for not walking away. I really need advice. All of my friends are my age or younger, and my mom passed away when I was young so I really do not know who to go to for advice. I am a very spiritually-interested person and I’m self-aware and I just don’t know if I’m dumb for picking temporary love or not. It really hurts me with how compatible we are even for our futures, but it feels like right person wrong time. He said he just couldn’t decide what was the right choice. It hurts to not be picked honestly and especially when you both share such a strong connection. It eats me up inside every night to think that he’s willing to just walk away when he moves and never have this connection again that he says he values so deeply. He says he just really does not want to hurt me and he was in a long distance relationship previously. Incredible how we both get the connection we desired in the worst possible circumstance. I hear all of this talk about you creating your own reality and manifesting and it just makes me feel like this is my own fault and I have no one to talk to about it except for him. Right now we are just agreed on us not being together but making memories until he moves in about 3-4 months. Maybe it will change, maybe it won’t. Idk. Totally lost and sad.


    Dear Katherine:

    “At the beginning of December 2023 I met someone… About a month ago I confronted the fact we were not yet in a relationship… he is moving for a year and then off to medical school…. He doesn’t want to commit to me if he can’t give me his all. I get it. We decided to just date each other and create positive memories until he moves in August… My issue is this: do I stay and make memories and connect deeply with this man, or do I choose self-respect and go”-

    – always choose self respect!

    The problem with the first option (staying with him through August, and creating memories with him), is that I don’t see- and please correct me if I am wrong- how can you create good memories, in your own mind, when you are aware, every day you’re with him, that he is going to leave in 4 or 5 months, while not willing to commit to a long-distance relationship with you…?

    I would imagine that you’d be too anxious and upset to.. create pleasant memories…?

    It seems like a good choice for him to not commit to a long-distance relationship at this time (especially given that he has experience with a LDR),  so that he can focus on his studies, and not be distracted by a romantic relationship. It is your job to make a good choice for yourself, and self-respect is always the right choice.

    Totally lost and sad.“- keep posting here, and let me know of your thoughts and feelings over time, and we can talk about it, will you?



    Hi Katherine

    It sounds like he has a very good reason for why he must leave. Long distance while doing medical studies would be near impossible. It’s a very difficult course that takes a lot of focus. I don’t think it means that he doesn’t care about you. It is just his circumstances that are difficult. It is true that he is choosing his studies and moving country over you but it is actually a healthy thing for him to be doing that. This was probably a dream that he has worked towards for his whole life. It would be wrong for him to give it up.

    You care for him, so try to understand his circumstances and support his dreams even though it hurts and is difficult. You never know what may happen in the future and he will remember your understanding and supportive behaviour.

    I know that this situation hurts and I’m sorry for that pain that you’re going through. None of it reflects poorly on you or his feelings towards you. Sometimes life is just hard and difficult. It is up to you whether you want to stay and treasure the memories with him before he leaves, or save yourself the pain of that since it is already painful.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️


    Hi Katherine,

    The one thing that really stuck out for me about your dilemma was your own observation of  “the fact that he cannot not pick me”.  That was a loaded statement. I would explore that and as to why you feel that way. Sometimes we push away something good because a past pain still resides within us and we react from that pain. He seems like a reasonable man who has given much thought and consideration to the situation. As an outsider I understand very well his position of needing to and wanting to dedicate intense discipline and time to his studies; medicine is a very involved and serious discipline.

    I would appreciate his wisdom and insight which signals that he does not make decisions lightly and demonstrates much maturity. It sounds like the very things you like about him is what has you upset! That is why I recommend exploring that further within yourself and you might come to a different understanding and appreciate his reasoning, or decide that it would be too painful for you to continue.

    I have lived many decades, and the decisions I have most regretted were the ones I did not give a fair chance and always wondered, ‘what would have happened if I would not have chosen silly pride and waited to see what could have been’. Would you wonder years from now what would have happened if you would have followed through on your agreement and continued dating for a few more months? A lot can happen in a few months – you may even realize you change your mind about him and are ready to let it go because he is not what you want after all.

    When he does move away it will give both of you the chance to really identify and confirm how you really feel about each other – out of sight out of mind or can’t get you out of my mind!

    You are still very young, yet also very insightful. It sounds like he has treated you well and with respect, as you have been with him. You might be able to reconnect with him later in life when you both are ready for a strong relationship.

    I wish you both the best and hope the clarity you both seek shows up in just the right way. Blessings!


    A long distance relationship has an implied commitment of marriage. Otherwise what is the point of being in this relationship? Not picking you is showing he is not ready to commit. Not ready for marriage. He doesn’t see you in the same light as you see him.

    So the question is do you stay for the short term and try to have a nice time? Or, do you stop this and go your own way? That is your own choice. Can’t rely on others to tell you what to do. It only brings regret for not having done the other choice. You make your decision and live your life.

    He says he doesn’t want to hurt you. That is an excuse to not make a commitment to you. You have already had enough time together to know you want him. My thoughts are to let him go. Spending more time with him won’t  change his mind. And, it will only hurt you more later on. I wish you happiness.

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