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Stuck in limbo, fear or loneliness, fear of hurting her

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 33 total)
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  • #382056
    DaveF
    Participant

    Hi Anita & Teak,

    Thank you again for everything, I’ve taken some time to work on some things and am doing quite well.

    Anita – I have started to journal and meditate regularly, I’m also reading some great books on mindfulness and depression which are really helping.

    Altogether, I am doing quite well. My ex and I are still living together until we can move to new places or find alternative living arrangements. This works OK, although sometimes difficult conversations come up, and boundaries are probably the hardest to stick by, now that our living situation is the same but our relationship is different.

    It is almost like we are having a staged separation, still seeing each other in the house, but working on ourselves and our other relationships separately. I do still worry a little that when I move to my new place, I will suffer a delayed reaction and maybe struggle from loneliness, but as we’ve talked about, It is my inner child that worries about being left alone, and worry about the future and the past does cloud the mindfulness in the present, which is exactly why I am working on cultivating mindful practices and enjoying the moment.

    I hope you are both well and as always, I really appreciate your supportive words.

    D

    #382079
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dave:

    Good to read your update. You are welcome and I appreciate your hope that I am doing well: I am doing as well as I can given the record high heat wave (and no air conditioning) that I am experiencing.

    “I do still worry a little that when I move to my new place, I will suffer a delayed reaction and maybe struggle from loneliness”- It is reasonable for any person to expect to react to a new situation, and it is likely that you will struggle again from loneliness, once you live away from her (to one extent or another, some of the time).  You can visualize living away from her, seeing it in your mind’s eye in a meditative kind of way, while you are calm (or as calm as you can be)- so to prepare for the new situation. Preparing now will reduce the element of surprise when you find yourself struggling later.

    You are welcome to post again anytime!

    anita

    #383510
    DaveF
    Participant

    Hi Anita & Teak,

    Anita – I hope things have cooled down a bit for you now? Things got very warm here in the UK, but not as bad as where you are I imagine. I have been trying to visualise what you mentioned, in calm moments, myself in my new place alone and it doesn’t seem as shocking or sad as I thought it would.

    My ex is due to move out within the week, and I still have a few weeks living in this property on my own. Though I am feeling a bit emotional and nostalgic, I still know that breaking up is the right thing to do. Though we do seem both to want to be friends going forward, which is great. I feel like the stress of trying to buy this new house and of moving out at different times, speaking with solicitors and arranging moving etc are all adding to the stress, therefore I feel that when moving is done, although there might be sad times, it hopefully will feel like a new start, and a new chapter.

    I find myself a little anxious sometimes, but I am patient with myself, as I’m sure it’s normal with all these changes going on at the same time. I find quiet with reading, meditating and running. Though the sense of disquiet doesn’t seem to leave for the moment.

    I hope you are both well, and that life is positive for you both.

    D

    #383517
    anita
    Participant

    Dear DaveF:

    Good to read back from you almost a month after you posted last, during the record breaking heat wave I experienced at the time. I am glad to report that we didn’t experience a heat wave since, and as I am typing to you this morning, I am wearing two layers of long-sleeve clothing, instead of holding ice packs against my body to cool off.

    You shared that your ex is about to move out within a week, and after she moves out you will continue to live in the same place for a few more weeks, on your own. Also, you still “know that breaking up is the right thing to do”, but you are “feeling a bit emotional and nostalgic”, and “stress of trying to buy this new house and of moving out…  a little anxious sometimes… the sense of disquiet doesn’t seem to leave for the moment”-

    – this is a crucial week, the week before her leaving. Reads like you’ve done well so far with the anticipated separation, but being so close to the actual, practical physical separation, your anxiety regarding the breakup and the soon to be completed separation, is likely to increase. It is important that you don’t lose your cool when this happens, and then say and do things that you will later regret.

    Therefore, it is important that during this week, you will practice more of what worked for you before, such as the visualization you mentioned, and “reading, meditating and running”. Also, because you have only a week or less before she moves out, if necessary, leave and stay elsewhere: if not with your friends, then in a hotel room.

    You are welcome to post here anytime during this challenging week. I will read and reply to you every time you post.

    anita

    #383534
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Dave,

    good to hear from you! I am glad things are moving along fine with your separation and moving into a place of your own.

    I find myself a little anxious sometimes, but I am patient with myself, as I’m sure it’s normal with all these changes going on at the same time.

    Yes, it’s normal to feel this way. This is a big change for you, and there’s a part of us that doesn’t like changes, even if remaining in the status quo is painful, like it was for you. Stepping into something new for many people brings anxiety (at least for me, big time 🙂 ), so this is just something to endure for a while, until the move actually happens.

    It’s good you’re finding ways to soothe and calm yourself, despite the disquiet that you’re currently feeling. Keep it up for a few more days, and then see how things are once your ex actually moves out. Post here anytime you need…. I am rooting for you!

     

    #384626
    DaveF
    Participant

    Dear Anita & Teak,

    Thank you again for your replies. I have been taking some time to care for my sick father, but at the same time, help my ex partner move to her new flat.

    Anita – thank you for your advice and for listening. I have been trying to practice the things that have been kind to my heart and mind, but have struggled to find the time. It has been over a week since my ex moved out, and although the anxiety seems to have lessened, it has been replaced with a somewhat low level depressive feeling. I feel this is normal, as I naturally miss her company and living with another person. I feel this may improve with time. Additionally, with health concerns for my father, disputes with my soon to be ex landlord, and some concern on completing the sale of my new flat before having to leave this house, I do still feel unsettled. PS, I’m glad to hear it’s a much more stable temperature for you now 🙂

    Teak – You are right, it has felt more like the big change with my ex moving physically out of the house. Over a week now, but like I mentioned to Anita above, my feelings manifest themselves as more depressive, or lonely right now, which I do feel is normal considering the fact that I have never really lived on my own. I thought that maybe things would appear clearer after my ex moved out, but then there is the major hurdle of me moving to my new place, that I would so much love to be done now. I am constantly waiting on solicitors and estate agents to get things done, and they are giving me no assurances that I won’t be homeless come the end of the month. But I am trying not to stress too much.

    I feel like I am talking to you both near the end of a difficult time. I think there was always going to be unsettled and stressed feelings ending this relationship and buying a property at the same time, having you here, to discuss these things with, has been so unbelievably helpful. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart, endlessly. Your understanding words, and listening ears are comfort for me.

    I hope you are both well and life is treating you kindly?

    D

    #384628
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Dave,

    you are so welcome and thank you for your kind words. I was thinking of how you were doing… I am sorry to hear there are complications regarding your moving into the new apartment. And I do hope you won’t end up homeless at the end of the month – do you have a backup plan in case it doesn’t get solved by then?

    The slight feeling of sadness and depression is normal, since you say you’ve never really lived on your own before. So you probably miss the familiarity of someone being by your side, perhaps sharing your worries with… now you’re on your own, and your father is also sick, plus there are unexpected problems with you new flat, so it all makes it harder for you…

    I am sorry that you have to experience those hurdles 🙁 But try to hold on, it will be better once you move to your new place, and can take a breath and relax finally… now you’re still in a stressful state, and you will be until the problem with your flat is solved. I hope it ends well, and soon, before the end of the month!

     

    #384636
    anita
    Participant

    Dear DaveF:

    I feel like I am talking to you both near the end of a difficult time“- like you wrote, this is the end of a difficult time. Next will be easier. Endure the current difficulties: one hour, one day at a time, make your best choices during this time and next..  it will be easier.

    It has been over a week since my ex moved out, and although the anxiety seems to have lessened, it has been replaced with a somewhat low level depressive feeling. I feel this is normal, as I naturally miss her company and living with another person“- I used to experience that low level depressive feelings when guests had to leave, even when I did not like the guests much. We are social creatures, so once we get used to the company of another, if only by physical proximity, and even when we don’t particularly like that person- having that person gone from our home/ life is difficult.

    I hope that your father heals and recovers and that the real estate issues and the dispute with your landlord are resolved sooner than later. You are welcome, and thank you for your kind words. As far as the temperatures here, they are not as hot as they were at the end of June, but the wildfires smoke as a result of the current, long-term drought is in heavily in the air today!

    anita

     

    #385988
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Dave,

    how are you? Have you moved into your own apartment yet?

    #386051
    DaveF
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Teak,

    Apologies for not replying in some time. It has been a very busy time, since I last wrote, my landlord started building works (for her own benefit) without our permission, so we had a long argumentative time with her. My house sale finally went through, so I spent a while moving my things, but also helping my ex move to her new flat. My father, who I care for, had a fall, and has just come out of hospital again, but things are difficult with his carers. Although I kept up with some of my mindful practices, some of them stopped, due to the stress day to day.

    My move only happened in the last few weeks, so I have been mentally and physically exhausted, but now I do feel a lot more settled and happy in my new home. But like we’ve talked about, I sometimes feel lonely. One of the things that worries me a little (and something I haven’t felt before), is pressure in life of having children and ‘settling’ down. Now I’m 31, even my very supportive mother jokes about things like “don’t leave it too long”. But what people fail to realise is, I would love to meet a life partner and have a child, but you can’t force these things. I sometimes worry about how to meet people, I am a very socially confident person, but as a lot of people at my age, I have the same group of friends, most of which are in couples, so I don’t find myself in places with many single people, so I’m trying to work out how to open more of these doors. There is of course dating apps, but I still have some skepticism.

    Anita – I have just begun again, the writing you’ve suggested, free flowing, and it is very cathartic. Thank you for suggesting it. I am going to keep it up. Your support and kind words, as always, are so appreciated. I hope you are doing well?

    Teak – I agree, I feel I do have a lovely friendship with my ex now, and I have been trying to continue the things that I mentioned above, but like I mentioned, through the last few weeks/months, things have been a little more stressful and up and down. But I am aware that sometimes life doesn’t move in a straight line, and there will be ups and downs. I love and appreciate this platform I have here to share my thoughts and feelings, it is a constant source of warmth and compassion when I think about it. Thank you from my heart. I hope life is treating you well?

    All in all, following the expected difficult ups and downs, I am feeling ok, but just worried about meeting people. But I am, as always, grateful of the things I have in my life.

    My best wishes to you both, and thank you again.

    D

    #386052
    anita
    Participant

    Dear DaveF:

    Glad to read your house sale went through. Regarding your father having had a fall, falling is the leading cause of injury and death, if I remember correctly, in the elderly. Practicing balance (ex. standing behind a chair, ready to hold on to it anytime needed, then lifting one leg, standing on the other for some time..) literally saves lives!

    There is of course dating apps, but I still have some skepticism“- I think that dating apps are a great way to interview a large number of candidates for a relationship, first online.. and those that survive that stage of interviewing can transition for a second round of interviews in-person, in a casual meeting place such as a quiet coffee shop or an outdoor restaurant.

    *If you need help with my idea of dating-apps-interviewing of candidates, let me know.

    I am fine, thank you for asking and for your kind words!

    anita

    #386077
    DaveF
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    You’re right, before my dad had a stroke a couple years back, I never realised how impactful a seemingly small fall could be. He’s had several since he was disabled, but this lead to the longest time in hospital. He does try to stay mobile to help with his balance, but the risk is always there.

    You are right about the apps, I sometimes feel however that as a man who has gone bald, it is a bit disheartening at the lack of interest on apps, as they are usually based on a small bio and several pictures. But that didn’t stop me in the past, and shouldn’t stop me now.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I would love to hear your ideas for the interviewing? 🙂 Thank you.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>All the best,</p>
    Dave

     

    #386078
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Dave,

    I am glad you’ve moved to your new place and that you are happy with it. Congratulations!

    I sometimes feel lonely. One of the things that worries me a little (and something I haven’t felt before), is pressure in life of having children and ‘settling’ down. Now I’m 31, even my very supportive mother jokes about things like “don’t leave it too long”.

    Perhaps moving to your own house exacerbated those feelings because now you’re “settled” from that point of view, so now “naturally”, you should get married, have children and all that. Your mother is hinting at that too, although half-jokingly. There is a sort of pressure you’re feeling… You say you feel lonely, but perhaps there is also a pressure now to “get it right” next time, to meet the right woman and get settled with her? Are you feeling that kind of pressure too – to sort of not mess it up next time around, because the clock is ticking?

    But what people fail to realise is, I would love to meet a life partner and have a child, but you can’t force these things.

    You’re right, you can’t force it, and you shouldn’t. You can make steps to meet women, but you don’t need to have the pressure in the back of your mind that this time around, you shouldn’t mess it up.

    I sometimes worry about how to meet people, I am a very socially confident person, but as a lot of people at my age, I have the same group of friends, most of which are in couples, so I don’t find myself in places with many single people, so I’m trying to work out how to open more of these doors. There is of course dating apps, but I still have some skepticism.

    Perhaps you can join some groups (like a hiking club for instance), where you can meet women with similar interests?

    Sorry to hear about your father falling – is he recovering now? I myself am fine, thank you very much.

     

    #386080
    anita
    Participant

    Dear DaveF:

    I sometimes feel however that as a man who has gone bald, it is a bit disheartening at the lack of interest on apps, as they are usually based on a small bio and several pictures“- there are plenty of women who will be fine and dandy partnering with a bald man.

    I would love to hear your ideas for the interviewing?“- first step, pre-interviewing, and crucial to the interviews process, is you putting together your dating app profile. If you want to, if you feel comfortable, post a profile you had last and I will give you my input.

    anita

    #386282
    DaveF
    Participant

    Hey Teak,

    I think you are right, now I have my own place, it almost feels like ‘what next’, like I should be straight out into the dating scene again. I am yes, definitely feeling the pressure to not mess things up next time, but I think I am also feeling a sense of calm, that I definitely know what I want and need from a relationship, and will be able to choose carefully before becoming too involved, and also to be honest with people I date about this. You are right, I shouldn’t let the pressure get to me, it is after all wise to enjoy the moment, and not have a ticking clock always making you feel on edge.

    Thanks for the advice, I have joined two meetup groups in my area and have planned to go to two events in the next few weeks, I’m a little nervous about telling my friends about these, as I’m not sure if they would judge, but then again, they are all in couples, so it would be hard to understand my position right now.

    Thank you again, my dad is recovering, but requires a lot of care.

    All the best to you,

    Dave

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