Anita,

Thank you, yes I really like this format.

someone other than you to visit him for the purpose of caring for him, being that he is disabled? – I feel like because of the family dynamic, and the fact that my father wasn’t a bad man, I want to care for him, as the disability is not his fault, but the brain damage causes these outburts. But I understand what you mean, luckily I don’t have to go over very often, I’ve limited it to once a week normally. But this is something to think about for sure.

excellent that you opened up to her and that she responded the way she did – absolutely, it was a really lovely and promising sign. The fear is still within me that if I talk about other things, a shared future for example, I will not receive the response I crave. But like we have talked about, this comes from a fear from childhood.

It is not a true belief, but beliefs, true and false, are strong regardless, when they are energized by early-life emotions – You are right, I have started journaling again a lot recently. Specifically I wanted to focus on traumatic events, to really write how I feel/felt about them. I was assulted 10 years ago, suffered some brain damage and lost my sense of smell for several years, I had PTSD following and I feel this may also have a part to play in how I feel, the anxiety etc. Maybe my beliefs that I deserve suffering and pain. I journaled about this, and previous romantic and family rejections or abandonment which shuck me and took years to overcome. I feel several experiences may have contributed to this insecure attachment and fear of abandonment.

The first part is energized by strong early-life emotions; the second part is loosely held by later life thoughts and weaker emotions. – This is such an interesting way of expressing these thoughts. I had also not thought that although there is this stigma, that I also share it. I almost feel like if a woman shows these feelings of wanting love, I have no judgement and welcome it, but if I or another male does it, I feel this subconcious stigma, maybe because of the way my mum and dad were. I want to focus on healing, like you say. Weakening the strong early life emotions and strengthening the ones I know to be true.

reading this is making my day a good day, thank you! – Thank you Anita 🙂 I only wish I could focus on the numerous positives and amazing connection we have, without worrying that it will all fall apart and I will be abandoned. But healing is a process, as you have said before.

Dave

Dear Anita,

regardless of fault, you should not be exposed to his outbursts – Thank you, I will certainly read more on this and consider my position as carer. I had never really thought of it like this to be honest.

I can’t imagine it not having a part in your anxiety – thank you Anita for the offer to journal here, I’m sure it does have an impact on my anxiety. I am happy to share on here for sure. I do a lot of extra journaling just as a way to express myself (sometimes for pages and pages), so I’d like to be more concise here. I feel that period of uncertainty, violence, injury and fear shows itself again sometimes in my life these days. Like in romance, a lot of my older insecurities and trauma only manifest themselves in my romantic life. I feel with work, friendships, exercise, hobbies etc – I don’t have the same vulnerability as I do with love. I think that is what I’m trying to get to the bottom of. As part of my journaling, I’ve managed to write down several milestone moments in my life that I think had an impact on my inability to fully trust a lover or caregiver for some time.

it is very sad that boys and men are victims to this gender-based discrimination – It really is isn’t it. But fortunately, Kate is very good at breaking down this stigma with me. A lot of the conversations we are having revolve around older patterns that we have both learnt and us both trying to break those thought patterns. Her ex was not very sympathetic or empathetic when she suffered social anxiety, I have tried to be so supportive and a safe space where she express herself, which she has found so helpful, she says I am breaking down her walls that she put up. Similarly, when I was feeling anxious the other day and really wanted reassurance – I took your advice Anita and told Kate, she was so supportive and caring, made me feel safe and reassured. I am slowly learning that to be a man and be emotional, sensitive and loving is no bad thing.

Keep at it, persistently and patiently, every day, and you will notice a significant improvement within months, I predict. – thank you again Anita, you are right. I am slowly feeling more and more confident and less anxious, but like you say it takes time. There are still moments where I feel I am not good enough and that Kate will realise that. But this comes back to vulnerabilities coming out in Romance, where in work for example, I don’t ever feel that way. I have confidence that I am the right person for the job etc.

All the best,

Dave

Dear Anita,

we re-experience our troubled childhood emotional experiences in the context of romantic relationships – this feels so true. But in the same way, the more connected I feel in romantic relationships, the more my anxious attachment is soothed. Which I guess relates to being soothed my mother or brother when a child and feeling anxious.

She suggested that each person should have not only an inner child within, but a whole inner family, consisting of an inner parent, an inner brother (masculine) and an inner sister (feminine) – I am glad you think that about Kate, she certainly is someone who is caring, empathetic and absolutely supporting of my showing and feeling my emotions deeply. This is very nice what the other member had said, I feel we all are multitudes like this. That we have layers and different areas of our personality that are needed in certain situations. The genderlessness is very interesting, almost as though we should not relate showing emotional with femininity, but as just a part of ourselves.

I had a moment just this morning with Kate, where we had a very lovely weekend together and spent a lot of time really connecting on a deeper level, I just felt close to tears, out of pure joy and happiness and she was so supportive and did not make me feel weird for showing this level of emotion. I explained what we have talked about here, that I guess I still felt a stigma as a man crying. Kate said that she sees me showing my feelings and tears as a sign of courage and strength.

I hope you are well,

D