Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Stuck & unhappy but not doing anything about it
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January 16, 2017 at 5:44 pm #125470
danielParticipantHi anita,
What you have described so far kinda resonates with me. Take for example, the unfulfilled promise of the console. Despite my asking them several times after fulfilling my part of the bargain, they told me to wait but it never comes. I wonder if it is linked to a message I tell myself at times: “There is no point in doing anything because it will not get me the result anyway.”
My inner voice not only scolds me, it also encourages me to procrastinate and watch tv, sleep or do anything that provides me instant gratification, it also tells me that if I do not behave in a manner that is similar to other men in society, then I ought to feel ashamed of myself. All in all, it’s a voice I don’t like, but somehow I’m stuck with it.
Then, when my boss actually reprimands me for not completing my task, I get impatient and I retort and I avoid at all costs. While I may be able to avoid my boss (since he is not always in office), I find myself talking to myself in a manner as how I would imagine him to be talking to me.
Now for some uplifting news. I have kept up a regular exercise routine for the past two weeks. Yesterday, I forced myself to write down a list of tasks which I completed, albeit reluctantly. I also tried to interact a bit more with my colleague in office. While exercising has become a habit to me, I’m still struggling with work, and life. But deep down, I would like to be more proactive in my life. It is so tough trying to type the above. It’s like I have to squeeze the words out of me. It doesn’t flow as easily as I would have liked it to be.
regards,
danielJanuary 16, 2017 at 6:18 pm #125479
AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
Congratulations for exercising.
What you wrote in the first paragraph makes sense. That never-to-materialize console was a negative, demotivating life lesson I wish you didn’t have.
That Inner Scolder, is only scolds, it shames you. The part of you that procrastinates and gets angry is not the inner scolder, it is the child part of you. I think it is important to understand this:
The inner scolder, otherwise known as the inner critic, is a mental representative of our parents who criticized and shamed us. Before that inner critic came into being in our brain, there was the child, not yet criticized, not yet shamed, motivated to learn, excited about life.
This child part of you is being abused by the inner critic, and it is the part that tries to escape into distractions and feel-better solutions for the moment; it is the part that runs away and hides.
There are ways to confront that abusive inner critic, ways to stand up for the child part of you, protect him from the abuse, so that the child part will feel safe-
safe enough to come out of hiding, safe enough to explore, to withstand difficulties… and shake off that depression.
We can talk further about this, as it is not a simple thing to do, not something one post can convey.
anita
January 16, 2017 at 6:21 pm #125481AnonymousGuest* didn’t go through, try again…
January 16, 2017 at 7:17 pm #125491danielParticipantHi anita,
I can fully agree about the child part. This probably explains why I choose to defer on a task and when I get away with it, I feel a sense of relief – and how I feel frustrated when I cannot get away with it, now that I’m in the working world – and how I get frustrated when I prefer things to be done in a certain way but I may not get what I want – and how instead of confronting the issue or planning my life, i am contented to take a more passive approach and hope that people around me will plan for me, which may frustrate them and lead to feelings of guilt for not pulling my weight – how I can be so stubborn with my own thinking etc.
How should I go about doing this? Is there one small step whereby I could take? I try to think about the big picture, what i would like to do with my life at work or personal but my mind draws a blank. Today, as I am at work, I’m telling myself that I ought to put in my share of effort since the company is giving me a basic pay but the child part is telling me not to be too committed to the job since the pay is not very high – then some other voice is encouraging me to carry on since a low pay is better than no pay.
I think what’s challenging for me is that i’m being torn between the child, the inner critic and also my responsible self all the time.
regards,
danielJanuary 16, 2017 at 8:06 pm #125496AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
When “some other voice is encouraging (you) to carry on since a low pay is better than no pay”- it sounds just like what you wrote about getting something way less than the console you were promised. You wrote that it was better than nothing. But that “better than nothing” rationale never really worked for you, did it? You still want that console, and nothing less.
You still want what was promised, not just the console. Write more if this brings something up in you, what was promised and not delivered?
anita
January 16, 2017 at 9:11 pm #125503danielParticipantHi anita,
This job I’m at now is “better than nothing” because I’m scared of applying for jobs for fear of rejection and I don’t have confidence in myself. Another sub reason is that I’m not motivated (a more blunt word would be lazy) to put in the effort for job searching. Unless the job is in the bag, but all it needs is for to submit a formal resume/application. This mindset has been in me too – and it is not helping me in my job, which is sales – I’m reluctant to do the things required to get a lead – cold emails, cold calls unless I know for sure the deal is already given to me. I used to have a more helpful mindset that rejection is part and parcel of this job, and it will train me to be a better person but not recently.
I think the console was probably the only thing that was promised and not delivered. Maybe since then, I have not really asked for anything because either I get shut down or subconsciously I just think it’s no use asking for something.
daniel
January 17, 2017 at 8:51 am #125522AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
The word “lazy” is that inner-scolder (or inner critic’s) word. Not motivated is the true term, true to reality, I believe. It is about being true to reality, so choose “unmotivated” and not lazy, will you?
The console was not the only thing that was promised, I think. When it was not delivered, your little heart broke, I think. it was a rejection, a harsh rejection by your parents, a rejection of what mattered to you most at the time, that console. But it is not about the console itself, it is about not delivering WHAT MATTERED TO YOU MOST, at the time.
What happens to a child, when what matters to the child most, is promised and then ignored, neglected, abandoned. What are the consequences to the child?
anita
January 17, 2017 at 4:23 pm #125591danielParticipantHi anita,
The child will feel that his needs and feelings are not important – and perhaps when an opportunity comes to express both his needs and feelings, he may choose to withhold or present a completely different story since ìt doesn’t really matter or he will not get the result he wanted or to gain approval.
daniel
January 17, 2017 at 6:02 pm #125601AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
When the child then believes his needs and feelings are not important, that he can’t get what he needs, and therefore no longer communicates those- then what is the point of working hard at anything?
anita
January 17, 2017 at 6:29 pm #125603danielParticipantHi Anita,
When the child turns older, isn’t it his job to be independent? To be self motivated, to be responsible, to be everything an adult should be?
And if he cannot achieve the above, isn’t he responsible for his own predicament/downfall?
daniel
January 17, 2017 at 6:47 pm #125605AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
When the child turns older and his needs and feelings are filed away in a dark basement in a folder marked “unimportant/ no one cares”- then it is the job of the now-adult to go down to the basement, brush off the dust from that folder, open it, welcome his needs and feelings back into his adult brain and body, and let those welcomed needs and feelings bring life into him. That life is the motivation he needed all along, the motivation to initiate and persist through difficulties.
If the adult cannot achieve the above, then, yes he is responsible for remaining separated from his needs and feelings.
The child that he was, was not responsible for the separation taking place (the parents were). As an adult, only he can go down to the basement, therefore he is responsible to go there.
anita
January 17, 2017 at 6:56 pm #125607danielParticipantHi Anita,
How do I get down to the basement?
daniel
January 17, 2017 at 7:15 pm #125608AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
You take an elevator down from the over-thinking brain to the feeling heart. Going down to the basement is a journey. Did you happen to watch the movie The Never Ending Story, the original of 1984?
anita
January 17, 2017 at 7:33 pm #125610danielParticipantHi Anita,
I haven’t watched the movie but went to read the synopsis. Two things struck me:
1. Getting answers is not so straightforward and will take time.
2. Funtasia being human’s imagination while the Nothing being adult apathy and cynicism against it.
daniel
January 17, 2017 at 7:46 pm #125611AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
That movie meant a lot to me when I watched it, in 1984. If you can stomach the special effects not being the most recent technology, maybe it will be meaningful to you too, as a representation of the journey I am talking about, the journey to the basement.
The Nothing is the power that takes over when people file away their needs and feelings, hopes and dreams.
A warrior child is chosen to fight the Nothing and save the Land of Fantasia- Fantasia would be your life, the journey is about saving your life from the Nothing.
The warrior child can’t take any weapons for the journey, implies vulnerability. He goes through difficulties along the way, distress, depression and much more. One of the difficulty is he has to see himself in the mirror, just the way he is.
The problem with suggesting movies (and music) is such can mean a whole lot to one person but nothing to another. Maybe you would like to watch it, maybe not.
The journey to the basement, best be taken in competent psychotherapy because insight is required and distress is involved. A different distress than you are experiencing now. Unfortunately it is not an intellectual journey (that would have been easy!)
It involves distress, the growing ability to endure distress and to keep going regardless. It involves endless patience and gentleness to oneself, not giving up.
anita
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