Hi Anita,

Oh dear! dropping a tree on your foot :(( that must hurt really badly! Okay, it sounds like you better take a good rest and let your foot heal! wishing you a speedy recovery. take things slow in the meantime – ice your foot and keep it elevated!

Yes, that is still the plan. I will continue staying with my father until i have saved enough money to get my own house. Or i may explore if i have any opportunities to work overseas. that would be my dream to work overseas actually! my few months overseas last year was such an enriching experience that i would like to have a longer experience of that.

I still attend therapy but i have changed my therapist. as much as my previous therapist helped me. .there was a part of me that was not comfortable with her as she was quite aggressive in her views and in some sessions i felt like i was also brought back to being a little girl. so i found another one whom im more comfortable with and still continuing that journey.

I feel the main difference in my relationship with my father would be the power difference. Before this, i think the power difference was huge. I would always perceive him to be “bigger” and more powerful than me and i felt like a helpless victim. but i think now i see myself as equal sized to him and that i am an adult and not that little girl who is so fearful of him. i think i used to live in fear of his aggression and when it would happen (since it was intermittent and not all the time). but now, i know i can survive on my own and there is nothing to fear. if there comes a day that he is aggressive again, i know i can speak up for myself and i would leave. i think in the past, i would be frozen and not know what to do. but the me now, i am confident i am able to manage. so in my interactions with him now, i feel i speak to him from an adult level and not as a scared little girl responding to her father. i think it was the empowerment from being on my own in a continent i perceived to be more dangerous than my home country.

indeed my friend that i lost 8 years ago had a lot to share about her troubled marriage and i was sad to hear that she had gone through all that. and i was also regretful on how i reacted to her wanting to get married back then. i basically told her to choose him or our friendship and that pushed her away too. i thought if i had taken a different approach, at least she would have social support. but she has moved on now and is recovering from that episode. so im glad that we are friends again and with time and maturity, i think our friendship has deepened.

take care!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Not_so_lost_star.

Hi Anita,

It has been a while since I wrote here – hope you have been good! 🙂

Well.. another big step that im contemplating taking.. im exploring getting my own apartment! I had an epiphany one day and suddenly saw that moving out on my own is what I really want for myself now.

So im looking at apartments now and seeing what I can afford. I can probably afford a small apartment.. bt im also worried if it is a wise choice to make financially. Finances wld be tighter for sure.. bt still doable. Bt also thinking about the implications if I want to sell it next time.. wld i make a loss?

I guess also cos if i wait a few more yrs, I will be eligible for public housing.. which will be cheaper than buying a private apartment.

So currently a bit torn. Bt also thinking tt you cant put a price to peace and happiness. Hmm.

Warmly,

Not_so_lost_star

Hi Anita,

Yes! Been 6 months since and what an ephiphany isn it! I felt so myself when it struck me one day.

It happened after one of a trip i went on with my father and family. And I guess too much contact with him then made me so annoyed that i thought why did i continue putting up with him. And also, one of the reasons why i was reluctant to tighten my purse strings was cos i still wanted to travel. Bt i realised on that trip that i felt like i travelled enough. That i didnt derive more satisfaction from travelling already. N it just struck me that moving out was what would truly make me happy.

Living with my dad is difficult because of his living habits. I think he has been pretty much used to my mum doing everything for him when he was around. He is tardy in keeping the house clean and it has become such that i keep separate utensils and pots and pans for cooking as i cannot stand it. So i thought why do i need to do this in my home when i should be feeling the most comfortable. But most of all, i think is the communication wit him that irks me the most. It is hard to communicate with him on an adult to adult level. When i try to speak with him on some things, he either lies about it or he punctuates his sentences with so many vulgarities. I just cannot communicate with him on an adult level. So it gets frustrating to see and interact with him on a daily basis.

And also, selfish as it may sound, i am also apprehensive about continuing to stay in the house and end up the caregiving of my father will fall on me by default. I wish to have my own life and not to have it on standstill if i have to take care of him in future.

Warmly,

Not_so_lost_star

Hi Anita,

Thanks for putting it into that perpsective nd yes! Im looking forward to not being lost anymore.. to having my own life and being free.

Ive decided i will go ahead with it.. just need to confirm my finances and hopefully be able to start 2020 in a place i call my own!

I hve even spoken to my father about it and he is surprisingly supportive! I thought he may be resistant or unhappy.. but turned out well!

Warmly,

Not_so_lost_star