Hello Anita

Thanks for asking. All is well.

It has been slightly more than a month, from the actual break up. But I feel (and objectively think) I am recovering very quickly. There used to be this emotion tsunami , but now they became ripples only. I could identify it in my chest when it came, and as it builds up to a certain point, I sit with it and often times my tears would come out, and I would become better. After repetitive trials, I am quite used to the pattern and I can just let it be.

I do still, from time to time, see if she has updated on IG, that is basically the only connection we have now. I can recall the number of followers(I just do haha, I am very sensitive to numbers and I do still check her IG time to time) that she has and how many she follows , and I realized the number of both went down recently. I was thinking ” hmmm may be someone in her life is unfollowing her due to xxxxx, would it be someone she saw when we were on a break/ dating etc etc ‘ . It’s silly to stalk and think like that, and I know I am still lingering a bit, but it is kind of a habit to check on how she is, I see myself doing it less and less, but it still happens.

There was one night, when I was a bit sleepless, and i was thinking how inconsiderate she was. I had the feeling that I wanted to yell at her, but didn’t do so obviously. I just felt unfair, the way she treated me. The anger is still inside, and I would need to settle it on my own and I don’t expect her to do anything or would understand, coz if she does, she would already have done something.

I am now practicing a bit more yoga now, after the break up, I  have set a goal to do handstand within the year which i had thought about it for a while. There is this yoga teacher whom I quite like, her energy is light and she is fun to be with. I reserved some private lessons with her and after yesterday’s lesson, I realized I could have some fun time, with someone else, completely unaffected by the though of my ex. I can’t help but think with the right scenario, in the right context, I could start to like this teacher, or someone else for that matter.

the other thought that came immediately, was the thing you mentioned: adding logic to the heart. Even If I like this person, do I know this person well enough? is this mutual? what shows that this is mutual and how is this person compatible/ not compatible with me? I probably wouldn’t look via this lens before, but now, I think I am starting to have this lens now, which I think is an improvement as this balances my sentiments, which i had a lot when I began to like a person

Now I realized, it really takes a lot of time, to really start a relationship. I was too rush before , that made me unable to see clearly.

I am still actively thinking to adopt an animal, this, unlike the thought of my ex, is getting stronger rather than weaker. I like dogs but I know the commitment is higher, cats are easier. Anyhow, I will go check the dog/ cat shelter this weekend. Needs to consider so many as this can be a decade long commitment(and we certainly won’t break up so this may be the longest relationship I have, so far. Careful and deliberate considerations are needed!) I am unsure which animal will connect with me, but as my friend said: You would know you are ready when you do.

Have a good evening Anita, welcome to let me know how you have been

Clara

thanks Anita

have a good night

Hello Anita

Wish you well.

Earlier last week I texted her and asked her to take her things back.  She left something in one of the cabinets in my apartment, which she must have missed. I told her I would leave it in the yoga studio where we usually go together. After a week, my teacher was asking if I would take it back next time, meaning she hasn’t taken the stuff away.

So I texted her early this week, seeing if she would take things back. If not I don’t want to occupy the yoga studio’s space. I also follow up with asking how she would attend the classes further. There were times I wanted to attend the class that we usually attended, but I also understand those might be the only classes that she could go, so I deliberately skipped them. I think I don’t want to just be the one taking care of this: dismissing what I want( to attend certiain class), while she might not need me to do so as she is not going anyways/ might not care etc.

She suggested some ways and one of which was just to use a google form to write down when we plan to go. I thought it was a bit sad to revert to this, while I thought we could just text each other like normal interaction. So I counter suggested that I would just text her if I want to attend the classes, to which she said ok. Later that night I texted her and said I didn’t even know if she appreicates my initiation, and that I deliberately skipped lessons to give us some space, i said I hoped we could speak like normal eventually. and asked her to let me know what she thinks. At the back of my mind, I think this is familar: She said ‘ok; to smth, and I was to naive to believe that she was ‘ok’ ,  but she wasn’t.

She then said, she apprecaited it. She also said she was too emotional still and was afraid if any of our conversation went sour, she could not handle, and so she wished to limit the interaction. She said I might think it’s easy for her to move on, but she was still in so much pain.

So I told her that may be, using google form is a better balance of what I want(attend classes) and what she needs(have limited/ no interaction), so at least she wouldn’t get a random text from me.

A few days later, my feelings towards this emerged: Why is she in such a pain? did I do something wrong again?(I think that’s my default mode to reflect what i have done and they are usually bad things) I think I knew I didn’t. I think the only thing I did was to protect my boundary: asked her and her stuffs to move away asap, respecting my own needs and right to attend the classes. But seeing her so paralzed , almost unable to talk to me after a month and a half, I feel there is something off, and I really wanted to fix it.

My friend told me she might not know what she has done, how what she did affect me and how badly she treated me throughout, so when I really stood up for myself, she suddenly realized it was not ok, and that I would set my boundaries all of a sudden once she said she wanted to break up, which shocked her so much. It is entirely possible that if I didn’t do that, she would not feel the impact of the breakup, althoug she chose for herself. So she said it was not on me, she should really feel the pain for what she chose and what she did.

I still cry, I still miss her sometime. But I now think this is a necessary process for my healing.

Yesterday I went to the cat adoption centre, There were two cats that I particularly connected with. One is a 2  year old male and the other is a 1 year old girl. The girl has one eye that has problem and not really functioning. I am tryint to find out more medical background(if any), and I am trying to use a week or two , to imagine how it feels like if there is an animal around. Literally picturing an animal walking in my flat. I remember your lesson, and I will try to expect the unexpected, especially these animals came from different backgrounds and they might have various kinds of issues prior.

Have a good day, take care!

Clara

Hello Anita

Thank you. Good evening.

Started from a few days earlier indeed I was not sleeping too well. This morning, I woke up earlier than expected, I can feel the sadness in my chest so I sat with it for a while. Tears flowed out.

I think I miss her. OR may be I miss having someone by my side. She used to be a stable companions that I could go back to every night. Just in general, a bit down these days.

I am starting to afraid my adoption is an impulsive act to try to alleviate my sadness only. Given that I can sense that I am still a bit sad and am not in a completely stable state. May be I should visit the centre again, or give it more time before actually adopt.

Hi Anita,

Thanks again, for digging out the things that I shared some years ago, so I can look at the similarity.

i wrote something to my little self. telling her I love her the other day.

I think, we normalize some bad behaviors that do do to people. There are times when I look at my brother interacting with his children, and I thought: may be this is how my own wound at childhood was created. He was not physically abusive or being very rude or rough, but it was the insinuation of the fault that the children made, the causal comments which may be insulting, these are the things that we have normalized. I guess not everyone has a psychology background(which I think we all should have some degree of knowledge) so I understand why. But when I try to pamper or comfort my little self, I realized there are things that I wished someone else could tell me/ did to me, when I was younger, but nobody did.

I think I am reliving the childhood for a very long period of time, the loneliness, the scare, the threatening environment. I was easily brought back there.

Honestly, as weird as it sounds, I still want to get in touch with her(may be it’s the ‘miss her’ that i said above). But once I think of the next step, say if she wants to be with me, I actually don’t think I want that, not the person that she still is(I guess one can’t change so much in a month and a half, especially with her avoidance/ distancing behaviors). But that urge, somehow, is still there. I never am able to say : No this person is not good to me so i just shut the door. Somehow, I just can’t do that.

to think deeper, I actually don’t miss the actual ‘her’. I miss the image of her, the future that ‘her’ may have with me,  the relationship that a ‘her’ could provide. Her, being relatively non-connected emotional, is not something that I miss.

Hope you are well.