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Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships

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  • #426532
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’d like to preface this message by journaling my current feelings. In order to prepare to go out with my friends tonight, I let myself sleep in as much as possible this morning, until noon! It felt nice, I woke up quiet and peaceful, but lying in bed awake it was not long before missing N occurred again, the uninvited good memories. I decided that meant it was time to get out of bed, I cleaned a bit and did a neck and shoulder yoga, as I felt tight in my neck. This day is very nostalgic, I have very vivid memories of our new years eve’s together, it reminds me of our first road trip together, 5 months into the relationship. On the trip we faced a lot of obstacles, his truck spun out, but he saved it, then his transmission fell out! we waited 10 hours for a tow truck. The drive was from Seattle to Las Vegas, where he went to college and had friends, whom I liked to spend time with as well. Through the obstacles of the trip we bonded. There was a moment we weren’t sure if we would make it by new years eve, but we pushed through and made it. We were so relieved and that day felt so connected, there were moments we were both there for the other when the other was losing hope.. it was one of the highlights of the relationship, that trip. We met each-others friends and all felt like it fit like a glove. This morning I feel like I am in a medium vibration, the sadness is bringing me down but the memories are happy.. I just miss the friend I had in N and it is actually the first holiday that we spent together both years, that I am not seeing him. What I mean is, we never actually spent christmas day together, the first one we spent before Christmas, the first time I told him I loved him. The second christmas he visited my family after. But thanksgiving, new years, halloween and valentines day, were days we spent together, so this new years is the first holiday tradition without him. It is like his ghost is here (this made tears come to my eyes). Anyways this is the version of Seaturtle who is responding today.

    You wrote, “In that quieting, the vibrations of your heart chakra and your sacral chakra become louder and louder, and you yearn for connection and romance.” I like that you are speaking in terms of chakras because I am curious about them, I am interested to know what made you want to do the research on them?

    You wrote ” – (1) as a boy, he did or would have done anything and everything to become who his mother/ father wanted him to be. As an adult, he would adjust somewhat to a romantic partner (ex., SAY what she wants him to say, apologize) but not change.”

    -I wonder, if we can’t truly change, then why do some of us? I feel like I have changed in many ways, and I know I am a curious person who wants to learn and be better, something N lacks. However, as far as human sociology/psychology goes, why am I more capable of change than him?

    ” There is always something good underneath any feeling…your desire to be SEEN, a strong and frustrated desire that you had in the relationship with him.”

    This makes me hopeful but this “good” thing underneath my feelings, my desire to be seen, doesn’t make me feel better. Maybe that isn’t the goal. I just want to feel hopeful but as much as my HVI believes there is someone out there that will see me in a relationship, I have a helpless voice that tells me there isn’t, this is why I have no desire to go out to clubs and what not cause there is no one there that could see me, or a very low odds, so it makes me feel hopeless. The block party shouldn’t be this way but maybe that is a reason I fear it, although my roommate is at a similar state to me she said she only wants a drink or two, and the people we are going out with is a more mature crowd she met recently.

    “- you are welcome, but as I read the beginning of your next post, it led you to a bottomless pit… I will soon read the rest of that post.”

    Actually by the time I was getting to bed I forgot about the video! sad.

    “- heart and sacral chakras vibrating loud!”

    I wonder how I can sooth these chakras.. I will look it up.

    “What is likely, in my estimation, is that he will end up with another woman who will try to change him…  and fail.”

    So then he will continue the self fulfilling prophecy that he is not enough?

    You wrote “– for some balance/ bigger picture (I am addressing your crown chakra with the following): “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months” (July 29, 2023). Eight months back from July 29 is Nov 29, 2022, so your mind hasn’t rested last New Year, in between a few fun experiences.”

    It is interesting you phrase it this way “I am addressing your crown chakra,” I think this is the answer to a lot of my internal torment. Addressing my crown chakra does pull me out of where my heart and sacral take me too far into. I won’t delete it now, but above I wrote something again about missing him this new years eve and this response is all I need for that, I feel better now than I did at this beginning of writing this post. Thank you. You are right, as much fun as NYE was, the new years did not bring me peace.

    – let us bring all the parts of Seaturtle together for a discussion for the purpose of quieting that shuddering and fighting (against memories and images), and promoting comfort, the feeling of safety, and wisdom:

    You wrote  “Your favorite line from the song is: “If I’m (Hatchling) not here for me/ She (Seaturtle) will be there“- Seaturtle: don’t leave hatchling alone at this time.”

    -I needed this reminder

    “Seaturtle’s crown chakra is needed this New Year Eve and New Year Day. It will be a good idea to start the new year with HVI provided by a hv crown chakra.”

    “Would you like to tell me your thoughts this Sun morning, so that we can hopefully proceed with this discussion?”

    Yes, I am sorry it is later than morning and hope to hear from you today,  but yes I would like to awaken my crown chakra further in order to stay in a high vibration in this inevitably challenging day and night.

    Happy New Year’s Eve Anita!

    Seaturtle

    #426533
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    I am quite tired, so I will reply differently in this post:

    I wonder, if we can’t truly change, then why do some of us? I feel like I have changed in many ways“- you and I can change; he can’t or won’t because of his Teflon MO. You and I are interested in looking inward, he is not. You and I consider ideas and possibilities even if it’s difficult, he automatically deflects what is inconvenient for him to consider.

    I like that you are speaking in terms of chakras because I am curious about them, I am interested to know what made you want to do the research on them?“- you brought them up and although I have read about them before and rejected what I read, you had this effect on me that I wanted to be open-minded and revisit the topic without prejudgment.

    “I have very vivid memories of our new years eve’s together, it reminds me of our first road trip together, 5 months into the relationship. On the trip we faced a lot of obstacles, his truck spun out, but he saved it, then his transmission fell out! we waited 10 hours for a tow truck… we pushed through and made it. We were so relieved and that day felt so connected, there were moments we were both there for the other when the other was losing hope”-

    – the two of you united against a common, 3rd party/ outside obstacle. Without an outside obstacle to unite you, the inner obstacles (his Teflon MO vs your open crown chakra) come into play. It is similar to a nation at war: citizens who were divided during peace-time get temporarily united during war.

    I wrote above temporarily united. When the outside obstacle relaxes, the pre-existing conflict and turmoil resume.

    It is interesting you phrase it this way ‘I am addressing your crown chakra,’ I think this is the answer to a lot of my internal torment. Addressing my crown chakra does pull me out of where my heart and sacral take me too far into. I won’t delete it now, but above I wrote something again about missing him this new years eve and this response is all I need for that, I feel better now than I did at this beginning of writing this post. Thank you“- worthy to copy and paste, thank you for this!!! (a crown chakra vibrating emoji)

    I would like to awaken my crown chakra further in order to stay in a high vibration in this inevitably challenging day and night. Happy New Year’s Eve Anita“-

    – an excellent resolution for the new year for the two of us perhaps: awakened and awakening crown chakras!

    Happy New ear Eve to you and to Hatchling: she is fortunate to have you with her, for her!

    anita

    #426540
    anita
    Participant

    It’s Sun Dec 31, 2023. 7:40 pm here, 8:40 pm where you’re at,  Happy 2024 New Year to you, Seaturtle !

    anita

    #426541
    anita
    Participant

    Firewerk here, 12:04 m, 1:o4 am where you are, it is really 2024, Happy New Year, Seaturtle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    anita

    #426555
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for giving me what was left of your energy in your reply yesterday 🙂 Although I didn’t get to replying again I read it and it gave me a much appreciated boost yesterday!

    When I asked you about your stance on chakras you said “- you brought them up and although I have read about them before and rejected what I read, you had this effect on me that I wanted to be open-minded and revisit the topic without prejudgment.”

    -As far as chakras go, personally I am not sure whether they are physically real or more of a metaphor that helps us to understand our multi-faceted human selves. I am curious enough about them to discuss it, I don’t want to get too abstract though, because ironically my aura color, an abstract concept, says I am likely to be abstract and need to practice grounding, which feels true to me. I feel like what I just said was confusing but where I am coming from is that I don’t want you to only speak in terms of chakras for me, because I understand your skepticism and I feel the same way.

    “– the two of you united against a common, 3rd party/ outside obstacle. Without an outside obstacle to unite you, the inner obstacles (his Teflon MO vs your open crown chakra) come into play. It is similar to a nation at war: citizens who were divided during peace-time get temporarily united during war.”

    -wow this is so very true Anita! I remember feeling this way, that if we were in end times of war, or going through some natural disaster, that N would be the perfect partner. It is almost like if there was something that could pull all his attention away from work and money, an adventure that we were both on, that we would bond the way I wanted to with him so badly. Which is why when we were hiking/skiing/camping, even getting trapped on that roadtrip, we bonded. What is also interesting is he would tell me that the way he felt bonded to people was when they could accomplish something together. He would say he didn’t find conversation to be a bonding activity, he wanted to do or build something together. I can agree that accomplishing a task together is bonding, but I needed him to be able to get there with me through conversation but he was incapable. The funny thing is I recently thought of this, if we entered war times I would really want him by my side… I think? He is a good partner to have in survival mode, but not much further up Maslow’s pyramid.

    “I wrote above temporarily united. When the outside obstacle relaxes, the pre-existing conflict and turmoil resume.”

    -Exactly. Why is he only able to bond in obstacles? What is also interesting is I began to feel like he wanted these obstacles to happen… So he would put us in risky situations! wow.. like the roadtrip that bonded us, his truck broke down before the trip and on a whim he took his dads farm truck, a truck only used on the property for years, it hadn’t received proper maintenance, the transmission falling out was not a shock to him.. but we dealt with the challenge. I am good in challenges as well, I have a part of me that gets into hyper drive and I am ready to do what I have to, and he liked this part of me. And the shroom experience, he was careless with the amount because it’s almost like he just welcomes the obstacles. I literally felt like he would take the hard way out of things for this reason and it is why I stopped trusting him with my heart a while ago. His desire for conflict and fighting together made him take my desires less seriously because they seemed pointless to him.. For example my desire to just sit and have deep intelligent and intimate conversation, he thought it was pointless, he would rather be faced with danger together.. Which! is interesting because I feel like if you are dealing with issues in survival mode, you can’t also be self actualizing and evolving. Wow I am putting things into words right now that I have felt a long time. Ironically I was fearful that, or sensed correctly that he thought I was lazy, because I liked to sit in silence a lot, I needed this time to be introspective and he did not understand why I wasn’t just working for money in survival mode like he felt he had to. I felt he began to resent me for not being in survival mode with him, in fact he even told me before that he felt like he was stuck in survival mode for us and I was living in a “la la land”thinking that I didn’t need to, that I left him there while I was climbing the pyramid (Maslows hierarchy or needs). This is why I got the feeling that he was holding me back.. because he was trying to. He literally made me doubt myself so much! He made me doubt my process of introspection and self actualizing but questioning my methods so often, telling me that I should be in survival mode too, blaming me that he had to be there for us.. but it was never for us it was for him. Because ironically! he thought I was taking “the easy way out” the lazy way of sitting in silence, feeling and introspecting, when really it is much easier to live in survival mode, easier mentally. I have taken the mentally challenging route that looked “easy” and this is where he didn’t SEE me! I so desperately wanted him to see that I was working hard too, all this internal work that I was doing, and him saying “you worry about things that don’t matter” literally was him telling me he did not see me. A message, my higher self was trying to tell me for way long before that came out of his mouth just a couple months ago. He made me doubt myself because he couldn’t see it, the same thing that F did to me for so long. This year I want to believe in myself and grow my self esteem. I can’t believe I was in a relationship that was harming me in that way, again, and this time by choice. What was so confusing though is on the outside, N would tell me that he believed in me and I believed his words, then when I would tell him I didn’t feel like he believed in me he would gaslight me into thinking I just lacked confidence….. He made me believe he believed in me and I didn’t, I was the problem. I am so happy I got out of there.

    Anita, I am excited for you to read this very important post where I was able to put so many thoughts and feelings that I have had over the past two years, into words.

    Vibrating Seaturtle

    #426556
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Happy New Year Anita!!!!!!! fireworks emojis everywhere!

    #426566
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I was going back to re-read the message I just sent to further ponder on what came out of me just now. But this time I as I was re-reading I was stopped at something from your reply “his Teflon MO vs your open crown chakra

    -This really is what it was that I could see so clearly, yet not clear enough. In my very first post on here on July 29th 2023, I phrased this concept as:

    “N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all”

    “My flirtation is lost on him”

    “I would not say we have the best chemistry”

    “N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all. And in those moments I feel so so lonely..:/ ”

    “sometimes I wish he was just there and wanted to be deep and have long deep spiritual conversations where we tap into our higher selves together and feed eachothers souls!”

    “I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time”

    “we have had sooo many conversations and its like he does change things but not how I feel I need?”

    -In all of these phrases I was trying to express how I felt “these small disconnects,” the war between “his Teflon MO vs [my] open crown chakra.” It was hard to describe the disconnection, where I would say something very relevant to the current situation, whether it was a joke or spiritual deep comment or even relevant flirtation, and he could not see the connection I was making. I have not said what I am about to say here yet or even out loud because I feel like it is mean and/or blaming him, which I feel guilty to do… but when he could not see the relevant connections I was making I wondered where his intelligence was in general.. This is hard to describe, but you know when your mind/brain makes a connection, it is sometimes called wit or banter, and sometimes very personal so not everyone would understand, but other times the connection is psychological/historical/philosophical..etc. Like you recognize something happening now that has happened before, I would make a comment like this and N would rarely understand what I was saying or what connection I was making. It made me feel alone. It’s like I would say things out of my open crown chakra and it’s like it would just fall off him, he didn’t get it, he was disconnected in a way, out of touch or maybe lacked the intelligence? to understand.

    Seaturtle

    #426574
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    You are welcome! I just returned from a 3.5 mile walk with freezing hands and was excited to see your post, and that it starts positive.

    As far as chakras go, personally I am not sure whether they are physically real or more of a metaphor that helps us to understand our multi-faceted human selves“- exactly my understanding: it’s a useful metaphor that helps us understand how we operate and function. I am glad you re-introduced it to me as I find it very useful, thank you!

    I am curious enough about them to discuss it, I don’t want to get too abstract though, because ironically my aura color, an abstract concept, says I am likely to be abstract and need to practice grounding, which feels true to me. I feel like what I just said was confusing“- confusing only to those with a low vibrational IQ (a chakra-snob emoji)

    but where I am coming from is that I don’t want you to only speak in terms of chakras for me, because I understand your skepticism and I feel the same way“- I still feel it’s an excellent metaphor and I like using it. Is it okay with you if I use it in your thread as a metaphor?

    I remember feeling this way, that if we were in end times of war, or going through some natural disaster, that N would be the perfect partner… He would say he didn’t find conversation to be a bonding activity, he wanted to do or build something together. I can agree that accomplishing a task together is bonding, but I needed him to be able to get there with me through conversation but he was incapable. The funny thing is I recently thought of this, if we entered war times I would really want him by my side… I think? He is a good partner to have in survival mode, but not much further up Maslow’s pyramid”-

    – (1)  N is mostly about satisfying Physiological needs and Safety and Security needs (at the bottom of the pyramid). He teflons the top of the pyramid, the Self actualization needs part, while frustrating your Love and Belonging needs as well as your Self-Esteem needs. At end times, when nothing matters but  the bottom two parts of the pyramid, N would be a fine and dandy partner.

    (2) He didn’t find conversation a bonding activity means that he finds conversation undesirable or boring or threatening. Humans have to talk and bond through talking if we are to self actualize aka keep our crown chakras awake and awakening!

    “What is also interesting is I began to feel like he wanted these obstacles to happen… So he would put us in risky situations! wow.. like the road trip that bonded us…  my desire to just sit and have deep intelligent and intimate conversation, he thought it was pointless, he would rather be faced with danger together.. Which! is interesting because I feel like if you are dealing with issues in survival mode, you can’t also be self actualizing and evolving. Wow I am putting things into words right now that I have felt a long time…   I felt he began to resent me for not being in survival mode with him, in fact he even told me before that he felt like he was stuck in survival mode for us and I was living in a ‘la la land’…he was holding me back.. because he was trying to. He literally made me doubt myself so much! He made me doubt my process of introspection and self actualizing“- amazing crown chakra vibrations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Imagine that deep, intimate conversations are more scary, in his mind and heart, than real-life danger!

    “and this is where he didn’t SEE me! I so desperately wanted him to see that I was working hard too, all this internal work that I was doing, and him saying ‘you worry about things that don’t matter’ literally was him telling me he did not see me… He made me believe he believed in me and I didn’t, I was the problem. I am so happy I got out of there”- YES, I am also happy that you got out of there!!!

    Anita, I am excited for you to read this very important post where I was able to put so many thoughts and feelings that I have had over the past two years, into words. Vibrating Seaturtle“- your post made my New Year Day, W.O.W !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    anita

    #426625
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am looking forward to a day to myself tomorrow and will be online in the morning to respond to your reply 🙂 today was my first day at a new job so I didn’t have the time/energy but I am trying to get on a more consistent schedule very soon!

    seaturtle

    #426690
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    Congratulations on your new-year-new-job. Reply when it’s convenient for you!

    anita

    #426701
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    “exactly my understanding: it’s a useful metaphor that helps us understand how we operate and function. I am glad you re-introduced it to me as I find it very useful, thank you!…- I still feel it’s an excellent metaphor and I like using it. Is it okay with you if I use it in your thread as a metaphor?”

    You are welcome I am glad you find it useful too and I don’t mind using the metaphor in our thread.

    “- confusing only to those with a low vibrational IQ “

    I found it interesting that you wrote about “low vibrational IQ” when speaking about N’s IQ was something I wanted to get to.

    “(2) He didn’t find conversation a bonding activity means that he finds conversation undesirable or boring or threatening. “

    I feel like he found conversation ALL of those things. Sometimes he would be defensive (threatened) other times he would just tell me he couldn’t focus and needed to be doing something in order to listen… (bored) but this was interesting cause he claimed he listened better if he was moving around, but I can’t have a deep conversation with someone dancing around, cause how can they possibly hear you? and understand without eye contact? This frustrated me. He definitely did not desire conversation as we do.

    Imagine that deep, intimate conversations are more scary, in his mind and heart, than real-life danger!”

    Sounds terrible, and is so not relatable since I find conversation a highlight of life.

    I am not sure if it the sickness I had a couple weeks ago or what exactly, but I have been really tired lately. The smallest tasks are daunting as far as energy, and I have been sleeping longer hours. I want my energy back so that I can give it to myself and do the things that make me happy. Tomorrow I have a surgery, it should be outpatient, as long as there are no complications. I have a benign ovarian tumor that has gotten very big and needs to be removed, so this will take more of my energy as well. I have a lot of goals that I want to set myself on the trajectory for such as vibrational health, I have a feeling it has to do with spending more time getting to know my deepest self. I am not sure exactly how to do this, but I am sure there are things that do not lead to it, such as watching tv, something I have been doing alot in the evenings to occupy my mind. I wonder if it is better for me to have no tv or music on in the background as I do things, such as cleaning, eating, getting ready. I think I believe that the only one in the way of my happiness is me, and I want to gain the strength to stop doing the things that prevent me from my potential to bring light to this world. I want to be more in my body, more aware of my thoughts, feelings and needs. From what I have read online and in books is that getting to know yourself starts with doing things you love, but as I said before my energy has been low and I feel like there are things I want to do that I don’t have the energy for…

    Seaturtle

    #426705
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    You are welcome I am glad you find it useful too and I don’t mind using the metaphor in our thread“- good!

    I found it interesting that you wrote about ‘low vibrational IQ’ when speaking about N’s IQ was something I wanted to get to… I feel like he found conversation ALL of those things (undesirable, boring, threatening). Sometimes he would be defensive (threatened) other times he would just tell me he couldn’t focus and needed to be doing something in order to listen… (bored)..He definitely did not desire conversation as we do“- he had bad experiences growing up and having had conversations with his mother or father or both, or overhearing conversations/ exchanges between his parents, so he’s turned off to conversations.

    Sounds terrible, and is so not relatable since I find conversation a highlight of life“- me too. I am having a conversation with you right here, right now and it is very meaningful to me. I can’t think of anything I’d rather do instead.

    I am not sure if it the sickness I had a couple weeks ago or what exactly, but I have been really tired lately. The smallest tasks are daunting as far as energy, and I have been sleeping longer hours. I want my energy back so that I can give it to myself and do the things that make me happy. Tomorrow I have a surgery, it should be outpatient, as long as there are no complications. I have a benign ovarian tumor that has gotten very big and needs to be removed“-

    – this is the first time you are sharing about this.. Is it a non-intrusive surgery aka a minimally invasive procedure? Are you scared, has it been on your mind a lot (although you didn’t share about it)?

    anita

    #426724
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    May the Force be with you tonight and tomorrow during your outpatient surgery, I can’t wait to read that you are post-surgery and doing well!

    anita

    #426731
    seaturtle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    “– this is the first time you are sharing about this.. Is it a non-intrusive surgery aka a minimally invasive procedure? Are you scared, has it been on your mind a lot (although you didn’t share about it)?”

    I found out about it just before coming to this platform so I was already out of the emotions of it and didn’t need feel like I needed to process it further. It was a shock when I learned about it, but the fact it was benign and could be removed microscopically, I haven’t been worried about it. Although my surgeon just called me this evening to tell me that my blood work came back inconclusive and so I have two options. She can remove the whole ovary tomorrow, which according to medical studies and her 30 years of work doesn’t affect fertility. The cool part is that the other ovary adjusts and takes on the tasks of both ovaries, however sometimes it can result in slightly less estrogen production (my only concern with this option). My second option is to wait, get an mri to get conclusive results whether it has any cancerous potencio al, if it comes back negative the surgeon could try to separate the tumor from the ovary, however her and the specialist said I would likely lose most if not all of the ovary that way anyways due to its size.
    I check in at 11am tomorrow and have a chance to talk further with the surgeon so I will ask her the hormonal questions I have then, but for now I am leaning on getting it all removed, mostly because I just want it out and an mri sounds expensive. I will sleep on it as well. I also didn’t know the surgery was tomorrow until a couple days ago, I knew it was sometime in January but it is sooner than I thought. Until her call with me this evening about the inconclusive blood work, I haven’t been stressed about it, but now that I have a decision to make I am a little stressed, especially a decision I have hours to make.

    My roommate is driving me and when I went to tell her we ended up chatting for a long time, why I’m awake so late. Anyways at first the conversation was about the surgery, she’s a nurse so she did have some good input as well and her opinion is to get it all removed since the effects of working off one are minimal. She was helpful. Then however our conversation went in to talking about the guy she is currently talking to, and has been for about two months. We spent new years with him and his friends, he is 34 and his friends were around his age ranging to 42. M and I talked about how it’s just funny we didn’t picture our new years being going to a party with people 20 years older than us haha. But it was fun. Anyways her guy is a professional basketball player and just left yesterday to go play in Africa for 5 months, so she is missing him. Her missing him, and telling me about it had weird affects on me about N. I found myself trying to reminisce with her, alot of the qualities that her guy has are very similar to N’s nice qualities. One being physically attractive. She reminisced in their sexual intimacy and I trailed off with her about the good parts. I think it’s healthy to be able to express the good parts right? Or is that destructive for me? I am not missing N. But I do feel I miss parts, which is not all of him so I don’t want all of him but It made feel afraid my future partner wouldn’t be as good as some of N’s good qualities… I hope this fades with time and I do not begin to compare in a future relationship, perhaps if I am comparing I wasn’t ready to move on in the first place..

    At first I was gonna go to bed, but I ended up on Pinterest, my favorite app haha, and it led me to a quote that resonated with me and said “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” The quote made me feel like I was feeling something I was unaware of, and this forum is where I usually come to express and understand myself more so I came here to write about how I’m feeling.

    I am a little indecisive about the surgery and want to make the right decision. But simultaneously I am feeling what I wrote above about N. Oh there is also something I have been grappling I haven’t mentioned here yet, at first I just didn’t think it was a big deal cause I felt I had it under control, but it lead to discovering something else. I texted N on New Years Eve, I don’t regret what I said it was what I was authentically thinking and feeling I said:

    “Happy new years Nathan
    I deeply miss all the good moments we’ve had..
    especially our new years together, both years.
    This is not easy by any means at all.. but I still believe it is best.
    We will connect again soon for some loose ends but until then I truly wish you the best”

    I was feeling very sentimental the entire day as that was a holiday that we always took a vacation for and on vacation he would come out of the world a bit for me and we would have some deep conversation and connect more. Problem was he was no longer that person when we were in the real world and would say he didn’t have time for it, he became fearful of conversation again once we would come back to normal life, the majority of our time together. Anyways I feel like I’m trying to defend myself a bit over what you may be thinking.

    Anyways the whole reason I bring this up is because the message never sent, and the only reasons a message doesn’t send on an IPhone is either because you are out of service or the other person blocked your number. This is the only contact I’ve had since the breakup, but I’ve also known that I would have to eventually because I left some valuable things at his house that I remembered after. For example…my passport is there hidden in a drawer. Also my snowboarding gear which is easier to let go of, but it is very expensive materials. Although the passport is my main concern. So another thing I’m feeling right now is some anxiety in how I will get that passport if he did indeed block my number.. also why he would do that, you block someone who has done something terrible or won’t leave you alone and I’ve never been either of those things. Perhaps he was just upset I didn’t contact him to change my mind within the weeks after and decided to take some control, something he did not have at all in our separation. I am not sure how this will play out so I am a bit anxious. I will likely have to message his roommate, to give N a warning that I will be there for my things. If he did in fact block me I would expect nothing less that immature attitude which I would not match. And fortunately I don’t need my passport at the moment so I still plan to wait a while, until I feel it’s right, before I try to get it back. But I also worry the longer I wait that he could get rid of my snow gear :/ which is just a bummer but not worth going prematurely. Part of me even looks forward to confidently walking in there for my things and confidently walking out, cause I am sure of my decision and maybe I want him to see that? I mean he has to know since I didn’t contact him in the few weeks after, the typical timeframe if I was gonna go back on my decision. I had to have my mom text him for my flight information so that I didn’t have to, cause I wasn’t ready then. I sent her the message to copy and paste for my information and after he sent it had her tell him that I thought direct communication wasn’t best for now but that we would meet eventually to tie some loose ends (referring to my snow gear at the time I hadn’t yet realized my passport was there until last night I remembered). I had my mom tell N that because I felt bad…and maybe this is something I need to fix in myself because I often remember your metaphor at the danger for the rabbit to have sympathy for a mountain lion (seaturtle and shark). However I still do sometimes, I can’t help but think about the fun and good times that we did have, I think about that version of N and I feel sad for him and even in my heart want to be there for him. Then I think about the reasons I ended things and the other side of him that was manipulative and gaslighting and I have anger towards that version then there’s the fact he didn’t see me, those reasons are why I trust myself not to go back to him, so I don’t fear sending him that message on new years or having my mom text him. But the good side, I feel sorry for. We had good moments that I wanted to pause time to stay in, I think it had more to do with the honeymoon high of loving someone that I wanted to pause though… not necessarily something memorable he did.

    I just sense that I see him again for a brief moment to get my things and I am anxious for how exactly it will go. However I know there are options to like have a friend go get it for me but what’s this part of me that wants to go do it myself and let him see me again and what he lost.
    As I write this is doesn’t sound the healthiest and I do see flaws, but what’s so interesting about the place of life I’m in right now is it’s like I have access to my higher self vibrations at times but I am not always there, I am certainly at low and medium vibrations the same amount of time. I think I maybe get paths crossed when it comes to pleasure and what is actually the best. Cause aren’t I just a robot if I am always just doing what is best? Isn’t the human part of us that wants to go do something because it makes us feel something? What are the benefits of always doing the correct thing… a higher vibration I suppose, but why does that sound boring sometimes. Anita as much as this is hard to say and even admit to myself right now I enjoy the drama sometimes. But I wish I didn’t if that makes it better haha. I also see people around me enjoying much much more drama than makes sense to me, but then that’s judgmental of me to even think, and comparison is a thief of joy, yet I do it.
    I am not sure why I feel so open right now, perhaps the time of night. I wonder if these are thoughts I will resonate with still when I feel in a higher vibration… that is interesting, and perhaps a major tip for journaling. I am wondering if I should send this message or if it is just a complete ramble that I should keep to myself. But perhaps it would be even more helpful to my growth to hear another persons perspective on some of my mind trails.

    I feel like I could keep going and continue to type my inner dialogue but I am seeing the time and can’t believe how late I am awake. I will let you know the updates on my surgery tomorrow, I am still undecided.

    goodnight Anita,

    thoughtful seaturtle

     

    #426741
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    This is an unexpected development, isn’t it, that the blood work came back inconclusive for cancer. It makes sense to have an MRI as soon as possible (today, tomorrow?) and if the result is a definite no-cancer, then remove the benign tumor alone. If there is cancer, then remove the whole ovary.

    * I wonder if a 2nd blood work is a good idea?

    You wrote regarding the option of removing the affected ovary: “it can result in slightly less estrogen production (my only concern with this option)“- I understand, I just read about symptoms of estrogen deficiency in women. We don’t want hatchling to be moody, irritable or depressed, having hot flashes and night sweats.

    I check in at 11am tomorrow and have a chance to talk further with the surgeon so I will ask her the hormonal questions I have then“- my goodness, it is 11:08 am where you’re at. I can’t wait to read from you later about what is transpiring right now as I am typing these words.

    For now I am leaning on getting it all removed, mostly because I just want it out and an mri sounds expensive“- yes, it is expensive, but PLEASE have it if needed, I can’t think of a better use for F’s money.

    I found myself trying to reminisce with her, a lot of the qualities that her guy has are very similar to N’s nice qualities. One being physically attractive… I think it’s healthy to be able to express the good parts right? Or is that destructive for me? I am not missing N. But I do feel I miss parts“-

    – The sacral chakra is interested in parts of a man. The crown chakra is interested in the totality of a man. A happy sacral chakra does not make for a happy crown chakra, as is indicated in the title of your July 29, 2023 thread: “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months“, and in the last sentence of your original post of this thread, Oct 6: “the inner voice of my higher self telling me it’s not right“, your higher self being your crown chakra, and your inner voice being its wisdom vibrating through you.

    It led me to a quote that resonated with me and said ‘I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.’“- it’s like I said those words, substituting type for write.

    The quote made me feel like I was feeling something I was unaware of, and this forum is where I usually come to express and understand myself more so I came here to write about how I’m feeling“- I am so looking forward to you expressing and understanding yourself later today, after you return.

    “I texted N on New Years Eve, I don’t regret what I said it was what I was authentically thinking and feeling I said: ‘Happy new years Nathan/ I deeply miss all the good moments we’ve had../ especially our new years together, both years./ This is not easy by any means at all.. but I still believe it is best./ We will connect again soon for some loose ends but until then I truly wish you the best” I was feeling very sentimental the entire day as that was a holiday… Anyways I feel like I’m trying to defend myself a bit over what you may be thinking”-

    – first, as I was reading this part, I thought to myself: I don’t like this! but when I read what I boldfaced above, I felt better.  When I read that you were trying to defend yourself over what I may be thinking, I felt .. important, as in important enough for you to care about what I am thinking.

    Anyways the whole reason I bring this up is because the message never sent“- oh! (smiley fce emoji).

    “And the only reasons a message doesn’t send on an iPhone is either because you are out of service or the other person blocked your number. This is the only contact I’ve had since the breakup… I often remember your metaphor at the danger for the rabbit to have sympathy for a mountain lion (seaturtle and shark). However I still do sometimes… Then I think about the reasons I ended things and the other side of him that was manipulative and gaslighting and I have anger towards that version then there’s the fact he didn’t see me, those reasons are why I trust myself not to go back to him… it’s like I have access to my higher self vibrations at times but I am not always there, I am certainly at low and medium vibrations the same amount of time. I think I maybe get paths crossed when it comes to pleasure and what is actually the best. Cause aren’t I just a robot if I am always just doing what is best? Isn’t the human part of us that wants to go do something because it makes us feel something? What are the benefits of always doing the correct thing… a higher vibration I suppose, but why does that sound boring sometimes. Anita as much as this is hard to say and even admit to myself right now I enjoy the drama sometimes… I am not sure why I feel so open right now, perhaps the time of night. I wonder if these are thoughts I will resonate with still when I feel in a higher vibration.. that is interesting, and perhaps a major tip for journaling. I am wondering if I should send this message or if it is just a complete ramble that I should keep to myself. But perhaps it would be even more helpful to my growth to hear another persons perspective on some of my mind trails… thoughtful seaturtle”-

    – (1) I am glad that you did send this message, (2) The thought that he blocked your message, if he did, annoys me, (3) I hope that you get your passport and expensive belongings back soon enough, (4) Your empathy for him is your heart chakra vibrating, (5)  Your boredom, desire for drama and excitement, is about having a non-vibrating/ blocked sacral chakra. One way to get it to vibrate is to get engaged in a creative activity (acting in a play would’ve been great). Another way is to engage in a sexual activity, but I am not promoting this option to take place with N!

    Sex in a new relationship, a relationship approved by a board meeting of all chakras, headed by the crown chakra, is what I recommend for you!

    I am looking forward to reading from you, hoping for the best, thoughtful Seaturtle!

    anita

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