Everything feels fake right now that’s the only way I can describe it. I mean the virus, yeah things already felt fake but now they really do.

I’m 38 years old now. It took my 37 years to finally be in a healthy relationship with a guy that I really liked. A genuinely great guy. I don’t have a single complaint about him. We had everything in common, and he is the only person I have met to this point in my life that I could 100% be myself and feel safe. He’s the only person I felt emotionally safe with and open with. Someone I could give emotion to freely without feeling afraid. It took me a long time. So many toxic relationships, and a lot of self-reflection.

We were together for a 13 months but only spent abot 3 months of that together, mostly because of the virus. I don’t have a single negative thing to say about this guy. There was not a single bad moment of our relationship. We only got in one fight the entire time. He was absolutely the sweetest and most thoughtful guy I had ever been with. Our chemistry was immediate. We were magnetic when we were together we were always touching each other one way or another. You couldn’t keep us apart. Distance was hard.He was the only person I ever felt the “sparks” with on our first kiss. It was fairytale perfect. The best year of my life. So now I am absolutely beyond devastated. I don’t know how I am going to be able to cope with this in the coming days. I feel like nothing ever goes right for me in my life and when it finally does it is taken away like some big joke. My life is just one dark tragedy after another and it’s not fair. I feel i’m a good person for the most part, so I don’t understand why i always seem to be in some giant karmic payoff.

We didn’t break up because our relationship was troubled. We didn’t break up because we learned things we didn’t like about each other, there reason we broke up wasn’t due to anything negative between us. Our relationship was always unknow and i took the risk and lost. I thought I would have a family one day but now I feel like I even lost that chance because I risked it on this. Not to say this wasn’t absolutley amazing. I had more to lose in terms of that as I am 7 years older.  We met last summer when he was studying abroad here for an MBA and we had the best two months together. He was only here for a summer program. Originally it was to end and be a fling but the chemistry was amazing and we went so well together we kept it going. He lived in China I lived in NY. We couldn’t be further apart.

We fit together so well he flew back around the world to see me a month later and spend a couple of weeks here. He also started netowrking to hopfully find a job. Then we met again in Malta in December. I wish I knew that was going to be the last time I would ever see him again. It was the best vacation I ever had.

Then his father broke his leg so he stayed there past my Birthday in January saying he would come the end of feb or early march. The this stupid virus happened. I know it destroys everything in it’s path even if you don’t get it. It destroyed everything for me but we had each other. We talked to each other all day every day. Anything that happened to us we told the other. Keeping hope alive that he could come see me again soon but then april passed, june, july, and no end in sight. He had planned to come to do a school program here and find a job. We planned this in October of last year. He was going to do it and we were going to move in together.  The school allowed him to work right away. He would find a job while in school and then stay here. He would have two years to find one. He was supposed to come in August. But then covid happened. It kept us apart. Hong Kong closed it’s borders indefinitley at the end of March. He  could only risk getting sick on a plan traveling across the world but when he went back he would have to stay in a government center for 2 weeks no way around it. I could understand why no one would want to stay in a gov quarentine in China. So we waited for it to lift.  It never did. We wouldn’t be able to see each other at all this year.

Now jobs are not plenty. He could not find a job in Hong Kong because of the virus. Then China imposed new rules on the region so even more employers have begun to flee. The plan was to make money and save before comming to school here. That did not happen because of the virus and the China situation. He had not found work since graduating from school. Jobs here are scarce who will hire him as a forigner? He wanted to work in AI development but businesses have cut those funds. He did not make money and has been living on his savings for this entire year and for three for the MBA. So now there is probably no job here. He will almost be 32 when he comes here and he doesn’t think it’s wise to fincially wipe himself out not knowing if he will get a job and having to pay for school and living expenses. I feel sad that he doesn’t want to do that for me. But it’s a lot to ask so I didn’t because i’m sure he had already thought about it and made up his mind.

Plan B was to move to Canada together but because of the virus those residencies that usually took six months will now take at least another year.

He made a decision that is logical for his life and career, and is also logical for mine even if I feel terrible right now.

We have not spent enough in person time together. The time and the distance most likley made the romantic aspect of our relationship fade so if anyone mentions why didn’t you get married i’m sure he probably thought of it as an option or didn’t want to at this point.

He broke up with me because he feels every route is exausted because of the virus. It is not possible.

I didn’t try to convince him to find a way. I knew he had thought of every way and what he was or was not willing to do to be with me. I just forced myself not to cry in front of him.

I live alone in a small aprtment. I have so much going on in my life. I lost my job. I am in a fake lawsuit that is never ending with as many motions as possible aimed to hurt me fincially in some criminal revenge plot. The  the lawsuit that has been going on for 4 years. He was my peace every day. He was my joy what i had to look forward to, he was my ear when i was feeling angry or stressed, or nervous. He was my best friend too. We talked all day every day we had a routine. I never felt uncomortable with anything with him. I was able to get through the virus because i had this and now it is gone. What am I going to do? And now I will be alone in this tiny apartment absolutley terribly devistated stuck inside most days. No one to share updates of my day with. How am I going to get through this?

Our relationship was always an unknown as I said. I never told him that I loved him but I did. He never told me. I always assumed we didn’t because it would make it harder if it didn’t work out. He had trouble showing emotions. I don’t know if he ever loved me but I loved him and I regret never saying it.  I certainly felt he loved. He shared everything with me,  and he equally talked to me everyday. He even made a homemade album and sent it to me. I never had a guy do that for me. I guess I never will know if he loved me. I always felt he did. The way he starred at me and always watched only me when we did zoom calls with other people. He was such a good boyfriend.

This whole post is long word vomit. I don’t know if I even expect anyone to read it all. Maybe a skimm I know I would do that.  i’m just typing what i’m thinking because i’m in disbelief and i’m devistated. This was the best relationship I ever had. What do I do? How do I move on from this. I don’t know how I will. I always pick bad men. This is my 5th time in life being heart broken. The other was just Jan of 2017. I don’t know how i’ll go through it again with everything else.

He told me I can talk to him anytime. But I want to try not to. Nothing feels real now. I’m in denial I feel like he will just pop up and tell me it was all just one big joke. I don’t know if I have ever been this sad before. It’s not like the other breakups. This feels worse because it was great. I hate this virus.