R-1: the reason he was afraid for decades was that the misinformation he received at our divorce, was that he was mentally crushing me, that I was deathly afraid of him, and would call the police if he ever approached me. This was truth to him, as he had been given a restraining order against him. This restraining order was forged and signed by my (grand) mother and the lawyer she was in cahoots with, to make sure I had no communication with him. He thought he had destroyed me (never the case), and was afraid to approach, thinking I would rip into him and/or upset me terribly. He was told I was in a mental hospital for a short period before school started due to him. It was such a woven web of lies. I see the procrastination side of him more clearly now. He knew of my life 2-3 years later, as we had mutual friends in the same area, and he asked about me lots of times, and I didn’t know about that at all. He called and left a message when my grandmother died, but I remember hearing that he left a message about condolences and hoped we were doing well per R-2.. R-2 erased it before I ever got home and just told me about it. (NO cells in the day, just home land lines). He is a procrastinator I can see this so clearly now. And my ” get it done now” attitude is in conflict at times with this.
R-2: When we first married, I wanted separate accounts. He was very practical and for example, could not understand why a woman needs more than 3 pairs of shoes. ( Work, going out and sneakers). I would not be controlled like that, and spent my money back then anyway I wanted. This was all OK when he owned businesses and life was grand. My money was for me and any way I wanted to spend. He did pay all house expenses and vacations. So, that worked out well. When he went bankrupt, it was a lifesaver that I had my own credit cards, car in my own name and no financial connection, that would be taken from me as a spouse possibly. He has gotten cheap these years, and that is why I cant combine accounts, as he will moan of how I waste money. Well, we would not have cell phones or cable or internet, if left to his way. That is how that developed over the years. I want it, I get it with no permission needed.
You do make sense when you state that if I am not really suffering, I am not motivated to leave. That is correct. I feel more courage, when I am irritated and pissed at him.
As for getting older, I don’t think he has the capability of “taking care” of me in my old age. He is adverse to medical issues. I have had breast lumps my whole life, with the yearly mammograms and biopsies over the years, more numerous than I can count. If I should need breast surgery/mastectomies/ chemo, I don’t feel he would be much support currently. He always says if something “happens’ to me, who will pay the bills? REALLY? That is your biggest concern? I always joked that if I was seriously ill, he would be measuring the coffin for me, and not be that supportive due to his negativity and always thinking of the worst case scenario. My latest scare related to mammo and something funky on it (requiring a re-do) terrified me. But I never said a word, and did the re-do and no info to him. So grateful that it was nothing at this time. I never confided in him. I did confide in R-1 who listened to my fears and my panic, and soothed and calmed me. He said he wants me to be healthy and live a long life with him. The graphic talk I was telling him about how breast cancer is treated, and the aftermath/ugliness of it all did not phase him one bit. He listened and listened. Then he said that he loves me with our without boobs. He loves my laughter and my soul. It felt good to hear that, even though I knew it wasnt logical, I felt better. When I called him after the second one and informed him nothing wrong, his voice became shaky, and I knew he had tears. as he said he had prayed for days on this for a good outcome.
So, R-1 not officially free, R-2 knowing nothing of my thoughts. Not so much a cliff, more of a closing one door and opening another one to freedom of myself. Working on it! Grandmother= guilt and fear. NO longer alive and still has control if I let it. For each guilt story in my head, I push it back with I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY….not live for another in a servile and emotionless role. Thanks for your time and consideration, Anita.

HI again. The last 10 days have blown my mind! 10 days ago, a note was left on my door, that a person was interested in buying my house for cash! I was so curious and called. The man came over on a Sunday and looked over and inside the house. He sent an offer a few hours later that day, with a request to sign and agree by that Tuesday 6 pm. It was going to be As- is and cash. He had 10 days from the signature date, to do due diligence and get inspectors and repair guys coming over and giving him estimates for the remodeling he was thinking of. I found out he wasn’t a regular guy (who told me he needed a house close to the school nearby, so his son could walk to school. due to an incapacitated wife). I engaged my attorney, about the deal and found out this guy is a “flipper”. Buy houses, remodel, repair and sell fast. His story was probably crap, but the agreed price, etc was OK and I signed with my attorneys advice. I have lived a living hell for the last 8 days since signature. He wants to close by end of September. I took this last weekend, bought boxes, dragged stuff downstairs for a garage sale and also thought of and checked into moving, storage and an apartment to live in. R-2 was minimally helpful because he works on the weekends and did demonstrate his self-centered side. Here is an example:
We are to move into the apartment the first week of October weekend. It is football season. R-2 was major worried that the TV wouldnt be hooked up to see the weekend games. He wants to MAKE SURE that I get the cable company out the day we move in. That stunned me. He is showing his true colors! He is also being passive aggressive with the furniture and stuff we need to get rid of or sell or keep. It is like we have a total of 8 rooms (4 bedrooms, office room, kitchen, living room, den) and having to reduce to a total of 4 room apartment. Every piece of furniture and picture on the wall is up for discussion.
So, the buyer now has 2 more days until he needs to tell me if he is going to go through with the sale, and has pointed out every possible defect to me over the last few days.. I think this is a psychological game of making sure that I feel the house isnt worth it to him and he wont go thru with it. I have been in limbo, because days are going by and I am unsure if I am moving or not. The buyer can tell me Friday that he isnt going forward. Or may try to re-offer a much lower price that wouldnt work for me. My crisis is I so do want to sell this house, as it has been my biggest issue in getting on with my life. If it doesn’t go through, I will be crushed and beaten. I have 2 more days of intense worry that it wont happen. If it does, I will put the after-burners on and get everything done. Of course, I will pay the rent and house (apt.) expenses as usual. R-2 is very uncomfortable with a storage unit and wants all the “Stuff” packed into the apartment. I refused to live like that. . So, I guess I will be paying storage too now. If the house sells, then we will move to an apartment and I can determine to leave from there after a short period and he can pay for the apartment or move. I inquired as to how to break the lease and fees for that. I am just holding my breath to Friday. It is only 2 days away, but it is bearing down on me hard. I feel like I have the whole world of pressure on me and me only. R-1 has offered support and encouragement, but that is from afar. My mind is racing with the “What If’s” and trying hard to slow it down, as well as focus at work at the same time.
Oh- one more little item: R-2 booked a short cruise for us the week in between closing and the apartment being ready. His idea is that why wait it out during the gap period in a hotel? Another little item to plan for! But he wont take those same days and ask for them to be during the move and help me. He will have to work on the October weekend move (make sure there is cable though!). My life is one big stress factory these days!