I’ve been truly unwell and have become more unraveled and have spiraled more than ever in life. I’m just numb but in need of Novocain. I don’t even know how I’m truly feeling but I do know that I’m feeling…I’m always feeling.. I’m not felt.

It’s not just one experience…my whole life has been just so very traumatic from the very beginning. I’ve never known much but trauma. As time goes by and as I age.. the more it takes a toll on me, resulting in destruction and destructive behaviors and actions. I feel as time goes on my level of functionality and coping decreases.

I’ve never known what it’s like to be free from abuse, assault, and to be loved genuinely and wanted. I came into this world under traumatic experiences. My bio mom was heavily pregnant with me and was pushed down the stairs and beaten badly by my alleged bio father. He didn’t stop beating her until my then older bio brother who was 5 at the time poured a pan of hot water on him and yelled stop hurting my mom and sister… over and over again. That is how I became. A conception of dysfunction and trauma..I am trauma.

Between then and now I heard I’ve been abused, neglected, and molested as a baby.. I can tell it’s true. I remember that I was one of those babies who knew early on that they were engulfed in trauma and dysfunction so they made themselves “vanish” and do without until absolutely necessary. I knew not to cry much .I knew to remain quiet a lot. I knew there wasn’t anyone coming in a timely fashion to change, and feed me. I remember lying in filth sometimes in a crib and hearing arguments and yelling…or (which was more frightening) silence.

I knew that I wasn’t going to be held, coddled, played with, talked to, etc… embraced in and with love.

I feel like I was left alone and quiet so much that i was forgotten about a lot.

I will never know, but the unconscious subconscious subconsciously always tell the truth…and gives tiblets and inklings… intuitiveness.

I can feel the truth.

When I entered school, at 5 ..soon after I was molested inside the bathroom adjoining the classroom..by a staff teachers assistant..whom would chaperone and assist students.

An older man who seemed like the sweet lovable grandfather type.
It was during class time. Afterwards, I had to rejoin the class, and sit in a circle for storytime. I was soo confused, sad, and anxious. I wanted to flee and run home…

I never told anyone irl. Soon after that at 5 I started skipping school. My mom would drop us off and leave…but since there were many kids and adults cant keep an eye on every individual at all times, I snuck out the front door and ran the mile home.

My mom usually wasn’t home ..so I would sit on the steps outside for hours before she came home. Mom just suspected that I was having trouble adjusting to school and being away from her…Also, I’ve always been an quiet anxious person who never liked being around people who stayed a lot to myself..she knew I was overwhelmed…so eventually she started keeping me home because she got tired of returning me to school and I would sneak out each day.

She soon was told that I must return to school or else I would be taken away and placed in foster care. So, I went to school and just endured the daily molestation.

This is when I really learned to bottle my feelings and problems (even more so than before) in because everyone else’s problems were bigger than mine.

My teacher who was wasting away and dying from cancer…was heavily out of it most of the time at school, and sometimes has to teach from a bed they set up for her in the classroom.. sometimes she was asleep a lot..During these times, teacher assistants, and other teachers were used for our class. Our teacher really wasn’t equipped and in the position to still be there…but the school pitied her, and allowed it. Before the cancer, and before I was enrolled she allegedly was a great teacher, well loved by everyone and great with kids.

It made me very depressed to see her in such a state during school hours.

My mom was dealing with mental health issues such as schizophrenia and raising 3 kids without support. .she was unemployed, had to mind us, in and out sometimes of psychiatric care facilities and also both brothers due to mental health issues and defiant behaviors..

apparently our alleged father lived in the household for some time before I was born..and my brothers were dealing with severe depression and grieving. My oldest brother was expelled from different elementary schools..and eventually had to remain home with mom all day…shut down and stayed up in his room most times..never interacting much with any of us. My youngest brother 7 at the time started skipping school, or not turning up when we went to collect him after school..

I have zero recollection of him living with us during my life. I remember his stuff was there and one day when I was 3 he came with a moving van to collect it. Before he left, he told the 3 of us kids that he never wanted us in the first place, that it’s our fault he wasn’t living in the household, that he didn’t love us, that we ruined everything, that before we came along things we good between he and mom..and he left.

He told a 3, 5, and 7 year old this.

We watched him from the window about to leave outside and mom begging him to stay. Him refusing. Telling her that he was moving in with his girlfriend.

He moved in with his mother for awhile firstly.

Off and on after the move, mom would accept his rare visits to her.. she would call him begging to see him ..but most times he didn’t come. He showed up crying when his mother passed.

He came sometimes after my two brothers were hospitalized for depression.

There were lots of times when Mom and I would walk hours trying to find him…and sometimes we’d return home and he would be there. I’d skip school sometimes with him and we’d go to the library or grocery store and steal.

Unbeknownst to my mom and brothers..at that time I would skip school by myself..during those times my brother went to school.. sometimes

I was still having issues, and also around this time in addition to those, often let grown men molest me in order to feed my family. I didn’t care about myself and what happened to me ..just as long as I could feed my mom and brothers.

These men would offer to buy some groceries in exchange. So I let them.

We lived in extreme poverty and even though my mom would get benefits..it wasn’t enough and there were lots of times when we didn’t eat…and when we did eat the food wouldn’t last long because all of us were very hungry and ate hurriedly.

My brother and I would find loose change sometimes more while playing in the park or walking the streets by ourselves. ..with that we purchased junk food and things for sandwiches. ..if we found nothing, we’d steal. My mother was unaware of us doing that for awhile.

When we were in pain and weak and trying to distract ourselves from our hunger. We read the stolen books to distract us. We’d skip school, go to the library, steal books (only because we couldn’t get a library card by ourselves because we were minors)..we’d do it quickly because during those times where we resided truant officers use to patrol the streets and visit the homes of constantly absent students.

They visited our home a lot because we’d miss a lot of school because of our issues and we were physically too weak from being malnourished. We would hide underneath the bed, any place where we couldn’t be seen and pretended not to be home ..or mom would answer the door and tell them a story about us visiting our father or relatives for awhile…and her having forgotten to inform the school.

My mom allegedly was raped one night, by someone who threatened to unalive her children if she didn’t go along with it and remain silent…she was held at gunpoint. She and I shared a room and bed ..so allegedly this all occurred when I was asleep right next to her. She told us about it the next day and told us we were moving. My world was shattered. That is when I lost hope and optimism permanently…and learned to keep most of my problems to myself.

We moved. Mom was never the same again and became extremely anxious and panicky. She would even sleep with a hammer underneath her pillow. Her natural sleeping position became sleeping with her hand wrapped around her throat… sometimes just touching it.

I’ve always had insomnia, even when I was a baby and toddler..it deepened and became worse after that experience. I was 6 and I use to stay up late until about 5am ..and sometimes had to go to school soon after. I was extremely exhausted.. sometimes stayed home from school .but overall learnt how to be a functional insomniac.

At 6 I was kidnapped and held in a cage. I don’t remember how long I was kept and what other was done to me. I remember the police returning me home…then the police spoke to mom privately. I couldn’t hear what was said, but they would give me pitying sad looks and mom would cry.

Around 6 my brothers became abusive towards my mom. One pushed her down the steps with his mattress when she was going upstairs To check on him. I watched her body crumple and fall down the stairs. I was devastated. My brothers began to fight one another. I was frightened and paralyzed with fear. I didn’t know what to do. We were too poor and couldn’t afford a phone. We lived in an impoverished underdeveloped area and stayed mostly to ourselves. Everyone was broken and had their own problems…left us to our own devices and never intervened.

One time my youngest brother, took one of the 5lb weights off the dumbbell and struck out mom in the head with it, calling her all kinds of horrible names.

I remember her being absent minded and in shock, touching her head …and her fingers had blood on them.

Despite all of the abuse, mom never reported them. I think she felt as if she deserved it. She saw the many challenges that we all faced as her own fault…and she was riddled with depression and regretted having us. She would often cry at night, unaware that I was awake watching. Our sadness and individual pain made her depressed, wishing she could make us “better”..

She regretted passing on what she felt were her flaws and genetic defects to us.

She regretted that she could not give us stability, security, and comfort.

She had always been one of the black sheep of her family. All her life she was abused, isolated, made fun of, told us they treated her like a maid and servant. She rarely felt love and connection from her parents. They favored and treated her other 9 siblings as loved ones.

When Mom had us, they treated us the same.

One time, my mother asked her mother to watch us for a few hours while she went job hunting and on an interview.

We went over there and our grandmother told us to sit in front of the TV and don’t move. She just went back into her room..with door closed and stayed there.

A time before this, our grandmother already told us to our faces that she didn’t love us and wanted nothing to do with us..

So my brothers and I sat, unchaperoned on a sofa and watched TV quietly. We were already very famished from not eating enough for a few days…so eventually our hunger gave in and we each fixed a sandwich and had a juice box.

We really didn’t want to and wasn’t going to bother ..but we were so hungry..

Grandma came out her room to greet and shower one of her favorite grandchildren with love and affection in front of our faces ..and she was allowed to be inside the room with our grandmother.

When our grandmother saw that we were eating, she yelled at us and threw the food that we were eating in the garbage.

Told us she was never watching us again and that we never can come over again. Told us to sit back on the sofa and don’t touch anything until our mother came. She allowed our cousin to make fun, mock, laugh at us..call us dirty and poor before going back into her room with the cousin.

She told the cousin that she wasn’t allowed to be near us because we were bad children.

When our mother came to collect us, she lied and said we ate up all the food she had. (We each only had 1 megar sandwich and juice each and the refrigerator was overflowing with plenty of food. She would cook often and have plenty of food for her other preferred family members who visited often)

My mom knew that her mother was fibbing but didn’t comment much on it. She told her that we were hungry and were there for many hours and had to eat.

My mother then did something she always hated to do, and asked her mother for some money so that we could get a few groceries for a few days, until our benefits came in.

She denied my mother, and told her that she wanted all other money my mother borrowed from her paid back soon. Then she asked my mother what was our father doing, and my mother told her that he was living life with his new wife and child. That he still never bothered with us. That each time she called and begged him to be more involved, he told her no and that we were her problem. That if she really wanted some money from him, that she would need to be sexually intimate with him.

My grandmother told our mother, she needs to do whatever he said to get us fed. Then she told my mother in front of our faces,( that compounded with her already grief, depression, and regret)

That’s why she told her several times not to have us, that he was always a loser and that she should have listened.

That we were no longer welcomed in her house.

I remember on the bus going home, telling my mom that grandmother was lying and we only had a juice and one sandwich each ..She told me that she knows, and that we didn’t do anything wrong. I asked her why grandma hated us and treated us badly….but I never received an answer.

My mother’s family would act inappropriate and behave terribly towards us for “kicks”.

They use to have family dinners for the holidays, invite us over, knowing that we never had any transportation nor money ..never offered to come get us ..

So my mother would get optimistic and hopeful things were going to get better, and that they were making steps to repair their relationship… would accept their invitation…also things were still very hard and we all continued to be malnourished.

We would have to walk hours to reach her mother’s home where the events usually took place. We were still very young and small, so my mother took turns pushing us each in a small rusty abandoned shopping cart. She would usually try to get me to ride the most.

Even though I was weak, my brothers were weaker, and I would let them mostly ride, while I walked.

We used this method of transportation for collecting our benefits check every month or so. . because the office was very far away..and it took us many hours. We would set out early in the morning around 6am and wouldn’t arrive until after 2pm or so .. sometimes later.

So often we would travel many hours, arrive, and no one would allow us entry. We would see through the window everyone there, enjoying themselves, occasionally looking at us, but wouldn’t answer.

So, we’d turn around in the late evenings and began the long journey home.

Seldom when we were invited in, they all treated us badly, watched us, made comments when we ate, made fun of us for being impoverished, commented on our clothes, made fun of my short hair, constantly compared me with one of my cousins that was born around the same as I. They would talk about how pretty she was. How she had long hair. They would marvel over her and showered her with love, affection, and attention.. while I was looked upon with disgust and shame.

They would pick fights and argue with my mother. They would shame her for the life she and her children were living. My mother would argue and protest that she was doing her best, and that maybe if she had more support and love she could be doing better.

One time during a visit around Christmas time…they let us in and passed out tons of Christmas gifts to each other and grandmother to her other grandchildren, and nothing for us.

We were given the excuse that they didn’t know we were coming (even if we didn’t come, they could have paid us a visit at home..even if they didn’t have anything for us)

The thing about my mother’s family is they value materialism, and validation from outsiders. Most of them are all overachievers and have had their own individual successes and recognition. Some of them are prestigious and have been around the “elite” of society. They have always looked down upon others, very snooty, and viewed everyone not on their “levels” beneath them.

So, they’ve always looked down on us ..but in public and around others they like to pretend they are caring loving people, whom have a close relationship and tight knit family.

At my mom’s funeral years later, they pretended to love and care for me …and were pretending that we were the ones that rejected them, and that they’ve always tried to see and reach out to us in foster care, but we rejected them. After the funeral, they acted concerned and made a and us around strangers and my foster moms family…giving us fake contact information, telling us they wanted us to be in their lives and visit often.. I knew it was garbage, but other people believe them because they’re very charismatic and know how to work the crowds. I never heard from any of them after that..

They then proceeded to give us one gift from a pile they usually kept in case of passersby or others showing up.

One Christmas we didn’t go and one of my mom’s brothers showed up at our house with a few gifts. We soon realized that they were “gag” gifts and impractical. Mom received a toaster oven, us kids received two lollipops. It was one of those times we were famished and very weak with hunger.

My mom got very sad and angry…so the next day she pawned it and wasn’t given much ($15).. she then brought us some groceries.

It was tough on mom making food last even with benefits. Things were eaten very quickly..and my youngest brother had dietary restrictions and was a picky eater. All he wanted was starches and junk food. Burnout food. He ate a lot of cheese, instant noodles, chips, and chocolate peanut butter cups, etc … My mother was in a bind as he didn’t eat anything else as much as she tried to get him to eat differently, he would refuse. So she let him eat what he preferred…We seldom ate, so she was okay with him getting fulling his stomach with something.

Which lead to us often having to take him to the hospital often for severe constipation and allergies. It took almost a day for his system to be flushed out. My mother didn’t know what to do, neither did the doctors. He had food sensitivities, allergens, didn’t like certain colors of food, and different textures.

We couldn’t afford nutritional supplemental drinks such as Ensure and Boost.

Eventually it became to overwhelming and strenuous to continue dealing with them, and we stopped going over there.. and mom had little to no dealings with them.

Over time my brothers and I individually and sometimes together at the same time were admitted to a children’s mental health facility. Severe depression and mental health issues. My brothers were admitted the most..when they were gone it would just be mom and I. She made sure every day we went up there to see each of them. We stayed until visitors hours were up..(8am to 8pm). We did this daily. We went home and did the same thing the next day.

When all three of us were admitted at the same time (me 7 years old for depression, suicidal thoughts,( tried to hang myself )and selective mutism. I stopped talking to everyone for almost a year. Something drastic happened and/or I was very overwhelmed that I just automatically shut down) my mom continued the routine visitor schedule.

Very soon after the facility offered us a large room to stay, and mom could be there with us. The facility people were concerned about mom traveling so often, and often going home late at night).

We stayed there for a few months, and when I was discharged..mom and I went back home and continued visiting my brothers daily.

Honestly, while there ..it was the first time ever that I felt safe, secure, comfortable, and properly nourished. I hated leaving.

My oldest brother was later discharged from there to foster care..(in which the woman he stayed with from ages 11 to 25 was absolutely horrific towards him)

The absolute breaking and turning point for mom was when we had to walk 6 or more hours in the aftermath of a blizzard in the bitter cold,with inadequate clothing..in many inches of snow and some ice. 8 to 12 plus inches…to collect benefits. We were famished, cold, hungry, and exhausted.

We made it, only to have been informed the office was closed for the day.

When we arrived home, my once purple socks were wet and pink, my clothes were drenched with perspiration, and water, my feet and ankles were wet red and swollen.. My feet and legs were numb. I couldn’t stop shaking and it took a very long time for me to become warm.

My mom realized that nothing was getting better for us..and that she couldn’t provide adequate care for us. She couldn’t continue that cycle anymore..so she explained to us what foster care was, and asked us if we wanted to stay with her or in care. We realized our situation with her was dire, and we chose in care.

So a few days later, she took us to child protective services, explained the situation to them, stayed with us until they found placement for us (11pm) and left crying. She didn’t want to leave us but had no choice. She promised to visit and remain in contact with us, and left.

A few hours earlier that day was the last time we ever lived with our mother and together.

My brother was placed first and had to leave me. I was later placed in a group home.

Thank you to everyone who has commented, read, sent virtual love and hugs.

To be continued….