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The Four-Sentence Rule

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  • June 5, 2017 at 3:13 pm #152036
    Kevin Mahoney
    Participant

    Many of us are aware, at least in theory, of the importance our listening skills play in communicating effectively, developing dialogue and bonding with others. While it is good to grasp the overall importance of skills such as active listening, I sometimes appreciate getting simple practicals that I can easily put into practice. I recently came across such a practical that I think is worth sharing.

    I have mentioned before George Kohlrieser’s (2006) book Hostage at the Table: How Leaders Can Overcome Conflict, Influence Others, and Raise Performance. It is a book that I highly recommend if you are looking to learn about how your past and your emotional mindset influence your daily interactions. In this book, Kohlrieser explores utilizing “the four-sentence rule” in our conversations. Kohlrieser (2006) describes the rule this way: “Each person speaks in four sentences or less (except, of course, when someone is making a presentation). Keeping to four sentences encourages people to think clearly about what they want to say before they speak, thereby enhancing understanding and dialogue.” (p. 138).

    While there are times when we can benefit from cathartic venting and “pouring our hearts out”, limiting our monologues in conversations will allow us to create more meaningful dialogue. Do you think there is merit to the four-sentence rule? Would you find it hard to put into practice?

    Kohlrieser, G (2011). Hostage at the Table: How Leaders Can Overcome Conflict, Influence Others, and Raise Performance. Hoboken, NJ: Jossey-Bass.

    June 5, 2017 at 3:44 pm #152040
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hey Kevin…Thought provoking indeed. Sometimes, when I ask my fiancé a question, sometimes I regret asking it because many times her answer is one chapter long, it’s one sentence, and without periods or commas. Having ADHD this is difficult to handle so I have to stop her mid-sentence (paragraph) and remind her that it is very difficult for me to process what she has to say. I do believe that Kohlrieser’s approach has merit. Sometimes I welcome a person’t venting. It allows them to open the pressure relief valve, and, I learn a lot about the person. His approach is not without it’s limitations and I think those limitations depend on the personality of the person one is speaking to. During my travels in life I have learned, and continue to do so, that there exists a huge number of people who, for whatever reason they may have, insist on dominating the conversation. To many there is only one point of view. A good example, without naming names, is a person currently living in Washington, D.C. I don’t think I would find it difficult to put the 4 sentence rule in play, mainly because I tend to prefer people in my life who are considerate and polite. For those who I have encountered in life who seem to enjoy dominating conversation, I recognize this immediately and either try to engage them in such a way that influences them by them recognizing my contribution to the conversation, and NLP thing, or, I don’t waste my time. When I am in a conversation and the other person interrupts frequently, the way I see this, is that person does not really care to hear about what I have to say, and interrupts as a way to impose their opinion with the intention to nullify my opinion. There are many many people who operate “imbalanced” so to speak. Their lives are insulated from wanting to learn from others thoughts while at the same time promoting theirs. I’m babbling now…But yes, I do believe there is merit to what Kohlrieser is trying to convey, but there are times when it is difficult, if not impossible to put into play. Excellent question you posted…

    June 9, 2017 at 6:56 am #152532
    Kevin Mahoney
    Participant

    PearceHawk,

    I appreciate your thoughts. As you alluded to, it can be very frustrating to be in a conversation with a person who won’t read social clues to let someone else talk. Being in the presence of a “monologuer” can be challenging for me.  I find at some point I must assertively cut in or I will be captive to their ramblings.  With some people, even the best of listeners will need to cut them off.

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