A few weeks ago, I learned about the “original wound” we all carry. I haven’t heard anything like it before, but the truth is that somehow I was hoping to someone for naming the pain I’ve been carrying my whole life. It goes like this, my family has never been a loving one…by this I mean, my brother and I never get to know how hugs or emotional support was, never got to meet my needs talking about validation. For this moment I consider validation is a keyword…I don’t really know how is a child’s self-esteem built up, but I guess it all starts from home. Ok, let me say it, I’ve always been good at school, at first I thought that my whole worthiness depended on my grades, it was a good way to keep my parents happy….until it didn’t. Yeah, maybe I was good at it, but I was never enough for them (my parents) I could have always been better, prettier, smarter, kinder…. there was always something else I could do in order to fulfill their expectations. Nowadays, I’m a medical doctor working at the best hospital in my country and still don’t feel enough.

This is what I mean by “the original wound” in my case, the unworthiness that has been chasing me since I was a little girl. Where this gets worst is the fact I don’t feel unworthy just in career/job matters… I feel this way in every single part of my life, I’m used to ruin everything I love and want because I never feel good enough for it, I ruin it until I get nothing. This way of living and thinking, has taken me to be a loner.

I feel completely unable to start validating myself, let’s not talk about self-love, I can’t even think about it when I can’t look myself in the mirror everyday without feeling hate and disgust. I’m done looking for external validation to feel okay, because in that way I know it’s very likely that I’m not going to get it EVER. IDK how to start liking, forgiving, loving myself… for me in this moment, it seems impossible.