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The Initiator

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  John 6 years, 2 months ago.

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  • #39543

    Katie
    Participant

    For the first time in my life I am dating a man who doesn’t treat me like a piece of meat. We do not have a “regular” sex life even though we live together and spend all our time together. I never thought I would miss a man being a man, but I feel like I’m missing something. I know it’s validation and acceptance on some level. When he smacks my ass in passing, I feel hesitation. He doesn’t passionately kiss me, EVER except on occasion when we are role playing (which is weird to me)….

    I don’t know if the fact that I’ve always been with more forward men or what, but I’m kind of retarded when it comes to initiating. There are some underlying fears of rejection there and I feel awkward… I would love if anyone had advice on how I can talk to him about this. I want to work through it, but I am shy. Part of me feels like he’s somewhat disconnected from his emotions…. I can’t tell you if we’ve ever “made love”… When it happens, it’s quick. Barely any foreplay… Wam Bam Thank you Ma’am really is how it’s been MOST of the time. I’ve asked him if I am putting off a vibe that I don’t want him to touch me and he said no. I really don’t think he’s “cheating” on me…. if anything he’s watching porn and that’s enough for him…… it’s messing with my head.

    I love him so much as a person. He is an amazing guy and the sweetest guy I’ve ever been with. I know for most of his life he was a “man-whore” having lots of partners before me and has even called himself a slut. I want to work on this, but I don’t know where to start. I am working on communication and expressing my needs, which is new to me. I’ve gone through so much personal growth in the last year and this is just another thing I am working on. I know he was brought into my life for some reason and I’m not wanting to give up.

    #39547

    Matt
    Participant

    Katie,

    I’m sorry your sex life is dissatisfying, and understand why it can be difficult to navigate. Sex is often something we can barely squeak a peep about, even though it is one of the most powerful binding forces! Some things came to heart as I read your words.

    The first is that it sounds like your boyfriend is caught up in sexual fantasy. Avid porn watchers get a very different view of sex than tantric practitioners, because porn is male centered fantasy, usually with the intention of providing quick orgasm. Instead of a celebration of connecting with love to another, and that connection getting deeper and closer to union of body and spirit, it is more like sense candy… potent but not nourishing.

    It is no surprise that “wham bam” is the way you describe his style, and also that it is not satisfying for you. Or, that he seems to become passionate only when you become an object of fantasy in roleplaying. There are really two roads in front of you in these regards. If he wishes to explore something more with you, and you want to teach him about your body, then there is a path to deeper sexual intimacy. If he does not, or you do not, then it will be difficult to shift the current pattern.

    Consider having a conversation with him about your desire to explore your sexual connection. Consider it might be off putting if you tell him you’re dissatisfied, so perhaps keep it in a context of “I heard there is a way more potent pleasure available to us” and keep the spirit of playful exploration.

    Consider picking up the book “The One Hour Orgasm” by Leah and Bob Schwartz. It is helpful in awakening the body and understanding sex both emotionally and biologically. The goal isn’t really to have an incredible 60 minutes, rather, it has a series of well explained practices that help feed the fire of passion on both sides.

    Finally, don’t be ashamed that you have sexual desire and may have to initiate the path of deeper sexual satisfaction. Too often women’s sex drives are suppressed by social norms and fears and so forth. Don’t be afraid of the inner goddess who wants a god to penetrate her and fulfill her… she is sacred and beautiful, and holds the key to inspiring him to see those desires met.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #39548

    John
    Participant

    I’m glad that Matt honed in on the porn issue. Don’t dismiss it so readily as something that every guy just does and it’s okay. My personal experience is that internet pornography has really skewed the development psych in terms of how we view and have sex.

    I’m not against pornography and any two consenting adults can do what they want when they want it, but there is a dark side to pornography that goes deeper than anything we may have been warned against by parents, teachers, or religious figures. It’s actually affecting our psychological well-being and our ability to have wholesome and healthy sexual relationships!

    Check out these two videos and then I highly suggest watching them together with your boyfriend:

    The Great Porn Experiment: http://youtu.be/wSF82AwSDiU

    Make Love, Not Porn: http://youtu.be/_oliuLf7-30

    #39549

    Katie
    Participant

    Thank you for your response Matt!

    The sexual fantasy part, I can totally feel and I kinda had that thought myself. Then it just brought up all kinds of insecurities of living up to that standard. Which is dumb, I know. 🙂 I want to connect with him more sooooo bad. I guess I’m worried about him feeling “less than” or that he’s done something wrong, so I will have to ponder how/when I can have this conversation.

    I feel sometimes that he is cut off from his emotions and being an emotional person myself, I find that I have been holding back a lot.

    I love him so much. This relationship has taught me more about myself than any other. I don’t know if it’s because I am more aware this time. All I know is we both want to do things differently than we have in the past.

    #39550

    Katie
    Participant

    Thanks for your response as well John! I don’t have a problem with porn and actually a few times we’ve had it on in the background. I just am missing the connection on a deeper level. He rarely looks me in the eye when he kisses me, it’s always off to the side and hardly ever any passion behind it.

    #39551

    Matt
    Participant

    Katie,

    When you say he is emotionally shut down, it brought a few things to mind. Some view the energy of emotion in terms of chakras, which are like spinning disks or pools of fluid energy. When we seem to be “shut down” it could either be a lack of energy (such as if he isn’t really awake in the moment and is lost in thoughts of past/future/fantasy) or he is suppressing the energy (such as if the present is too painful and he is trying to look away).

    From your description, it seems like the former for him and the latter for you. Consider that your wanting him sooooo bad is something to be honored, and your fear of that causes you to stuff it all down. Instead, you can use that yearning to reach out to him… it is a creative force that you can use to pull him toward you. Said differently, if you have courage and just jump after him, he may absorb that and awaken to the crazy, sexy beauty that is in front of him instead of the objects that preoccupy his mind.

    Or, you could also use that yearning to tease him awake, with gentle but persistent creativity… such as playing with his body with gentle stroking and squeezing. Each of us awaken differently, and it is up to is to embody the change we wish to see. Consider “I want to try something, would you get naked and lay down?” Then just follow your creativity and see what he responds to. Our bodies have a lot of nerves, and they can be teased and bitten, pinched and pulled into alertness. With my partner, we both respond well to being kissed on the neck and ears while having our back and butt touched and scratched, for instance.

    Don’t think of it in terms of bringing him to you, rather waking his body up. Maybe it is in the body and not in the mind where the conversation will best take place! 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #39552

    John
    Participant

    If you have a shared interest in pornography and are able to enjoy it together to accentuate your love making and help you explore and get to know one another on a deeper level, I think that’s great. Like I said, I’m not anti-porn. Like any external stimulus, it can be used for good.

    However, if pornography becomes a replacement, an escape, and a consuming individual practice or habit, it can really skew our perceptions of what constitutes healthy sex and can make us forget why we even have sex in the first place; to make a deeper connection!

    Actors in any kind of movie whether its porn, romantic comedy, action flick….whatever, can become role models that we either consciously or unconsciously emulate. If we forget it’s just fantasy and use it a standard against which to measure, judge, compare, and something to strive towards…”Why can’t my life be like that?…Why isn’t our sex that awesome?….” you can quickly loose touch with reality, set up false expectations for yourself and your partner, which ultimately leads to pain, anguish, dissatisfaction, anxiety, and stress at trying to pursue a celluloid dream.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by  John.
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