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About 2 months later, tragedy entered my life again, and the destruction would last forever.

It has been going on 6 months since my arrival. A temporary restriction had been put on , haulting visits with my biological mom.

I had been there since May, the visits resumed in December.

During the first visit with biological mom, I noticed her gloomy and melancholy disposition. When we entered the place, she soon perked up.

During the visit she kept staring at me as if it would be her last, and she was trying to absorb all that she could of me and the moment.

She then proceeded to ask foster mom and the caseworker some questions regarding a semi distant future. Asking about college, asking about adoption, asking about life after.

I thought the content of the questions were advanced for this situation.. especially since I had just turned 13 and had only been there less than a year.

I quickly reasoned that maybe my mother had deeply become introspective and self actualizing and came to some harsh realities that she gained some acceptance about. The fact that she wasn’t equipped to get regain custody of us, that it would perhaps be best if we stayed in care..

I thought that maybe she had calculated the costs of college or other and realized she wouldn’t be able to afford it for any of us. I thought maybe those things had been occupying her mind for quite a bit, and she had become anxious about it.

After all, this was the first visit where she hadn’t expressed excitement about an potential idealistic future with us in her care.

I didn’t think anything of it. The visit went as well as it could…all things considering.

When leaving, I noticed her staring again as we walked away. I saw her in the window, so I stared back and waved.

We both parted ways .. little did I know at the time, it would be forever..or permanent in this life.

Three days later, she was gone.

There was a fire in the building she was either visiting someone or staying. She allegedly panicked and jumped out of a window…and didn’t survive the fall.

One news said that it was allegedly an ex tenant whom had a few fallings out and disagreements with people. They were kicked out, and had been allegedly hanging around the building for a few weeks after making threats, telling the landlord he’d be sorry and soon regretful.

The threats weren’t taken seriously…

The culprit had been an alleged serial arsonist and knew of the building’s faulty wiring system.

One report said it was just faulty wiring system, and the landlord had been aware for awhile and warned of a potential fire soon .. The building hadn’t passed inspection and wasn’t up to code.

One report said it may have been an serial arsonist that had previously was responsible for 3 other buildings being on fire in 3 months..who remained at large

The details aren’t important to me, the results are.

At least 2 other people perished in the fire. One who was an elderly man who unfortunately couldn’t get out of his apartment. They later found and removed his charred remains from his bed through a window.

Unsympathetic journalist wrote newspaper articles about how my mom’s body made a large smack as it hit the ground, a crack as her neck broke, that she moved for a little, and then silence. They also alleged the person who she resided with jumped too, but landed on his legs resulting in being immobilized… still trying to crawl to her.

Years later my oldest brother would tell of our alleged father telling him that he was involved. That she was supposed to be stabbed and strangled. That she turned around saw him coming closer, and jumped. He told my brother that the fire wasn’t supposed to happen, but his accomplice was adamant about starting one. Told him if done right, no one would suspect murder.. that the fire would be the cover.

I think it is a very sick and twisted thing to say, involvement or not.

All I know that she has been gone most of my life now. Her death haunts me. Her life traumatized me. All I have left is a hole, a lot unanswered questions, moments of dreaming and creating different scenarios with her existence still being prevalent. All I’m left with is creation.

Sometimes I convince myself it was for the best, and maybe life would have been even more terrible with her in it still. .that perhaps we wouldn’t be close. I’ll never know.

I do realize that somehow she knew of her impending death. Regardless of premunition, epiphany, involvement and planning herself, perhaps with several known accomplices..she knew ..

Also I realize this of her behavior during the last visit. Also my brothers had previously been refusing her visits, but somehow she managed seeing them too beforehand. She had made sure to see us all within 3 days of her death.

She went in birth order.

My oldest brother first
My youngest brother next
Lastly, me.

I always will wonder what been life would have been like for all with her here still.

Sometimes I have survivors guilt. She didn’t get a chance to make it to 40. I did.
I never got the chance to see if she could have had an opportunity of happiness.

I never got a chance to know her as a person. Someone’s daughter. A woman. A mother.

Sometimes my intuition will hint that somehow she’s still alive…and will knock on the door in the future.I hope that will never happen.

That will be the ultimate destroyer. She would be officially deceased to me then. I would never have her remain in my life then.

When I turned 40, I was going to go find the building, and jump off ..but that would require a lot of planning and organizing… also I got fearful that given my poor luck of life, that a supreme being would deny my death ..that somehow I’d survive and would be in a vegetative state and need care 24/7. I would be permanently locked within.

TBC ….
Ty