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The perfect guy doesn't see a future with me

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Inky 4 months ago.

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  • #158318

    Tgo tiny Buddah
    Participant

    I have been seeing a guy who I feel so compatible with, feel so comfortable around, is very successful and charismatic, good at everything, great looking, and that all my friends love and respect for 3 months.

    The first 3 months we were inseparable, although we tried to start off as friends it quickly started to get emotional and physical. We would text each other all day, see each other 5x a week and have the best times together. In other words, he was perfect for me. I really acted like a doormat because of this. I was constantly making myself available when he wants to hang out, and doing things for him.

    The problem is that I got stuck in a situationship with him. When I finally sat him down to discuss what we were (after sensing him pulling away), and ask if we were exclusive, he didn't want to call it a relationship. He said that although he isn't seeing anyone else, he just couldn't see marriage and kids with me, and doesn't miss me throughout the day anymore. (on a side note, the physical chemistry seems to be lacking too). He said he really loves me as a friend, and is 100% sure we're going to be best friends for life.

    (I don't know if this is because I'm a very reserved person to begin with, in addition to being a people pleaser in general so I haven't been able to be my authentic self in the physical aspects.)

    The problem is, I'm so head over heels for this guy, and this unrequited love is crushing me. At this point, I don't know what to do. Should I break off all contact with him? Should I try to be more physically open with him to respark what we had at the beginning? Should I only view him as a friend in my mind now? Should I be more aloof and earn back his respect and my perceived value?

    At this point, meeting other people just doesn't seem like an option because no one measures up to him in the slightest.

    #158340

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi, Tgo tiny Buddah,

    I don't think at this point it would be good for you to be “friends” with him. Being in love with him, you are too emotionally charged and invested in him. Just a while back, you were saying “he was perfect” for you. In a way, I think he was leading you on..I am sure he knew your feelings toward him, and he should have told you in the beginning he did not want to be in a relationship. What he said to you seems a bit cruel. If someone said that to me, after texting me constantly, and everything he was doing with you, I would be very angry.

    I would tell him, that you feel a bit of sadness because you felt he wanted more than friendship, and then suddenly he became distant and said “oh sorry, changed my mind, just wanna be friends” huh?? I would not have any contact with him, until you know you can just be “friends”, but I would not want a friendship with a man who plays games and mixed signals and a harsh “I don't see a future with you”. Let me know your thoughts..

    #158342

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tgo tiny Buddha:

    I think that it is possible that ” no one measures up to him in the slightest” in your mind, is not because he is up there, but that you have placed yourself down and so, being down he seems up there, so valuable.

    He told you that he is “100% sure we’re going to be best friends for life”- really, one hundred percent sure, nothing less, not even a percent, as a margin for error…? Is “The perfect guy” perfectly sure about all things, I ask? And now, your questions and my suggested answers:

    “Should I try to be more physically open with him to respark what we had at the beginning?”- no, that will be humiliating, wouldn't it…

    “Should I only view him as a friend in my mind now?”- no, you are too invested in seeing him as a glorious boyfriend to win over.

    “Should I be more aloof and earn back his respect and my perceived value?”- here it is, congruent with my first comment about you placing yourself down, looking up at him towering above you. Please earn back your own self respect and your own understanding of your value.

    “Should I break off all contact with him?”- I don't know. Maybe with more correspondence with you, I will know better.

    anita

     

     

    #158344

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Tgo tiny Buddha,

    Well now, if he doesn't see a future together he isn't the perfect guy now, is he?

    Forget about earning back his respect and your perceived value. You have it backward. HE has to earn YOUR respect and perceived value!

    If he calls you to see how you “are” or for a booty call, or whatever, be busy. Be busy until next year. Seriously. He has to literally “run into you” now. Don't return all his texts or calls. Limit contact, if you contact him back at all.

    When/if he finally, literally runs into you on purpose and wants to “talk”, flip the script.

    Say “You were getting too close and backed off because you freaked out” in a tone that he was more into you than you were into him. He will deny it. You say, “Right” sarcastically as you brush past him.

    And, yes, date other people. I bet that even the common Joe will look better and better in comparison to him as time goes on.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

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