The romance and effort are gone

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Buddhist Wife 6 years, 4 months ago.

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    I am struggling so much with resentment and a deep feeling of loss. My husband used to be so romantic – almost magical – I don’t mean the generic kind of romance either – the heartfelt, love letter, moon lit kissing romance that truly only is in the movies. Well, now I know why it is only true for the movies. All of this has stopped and I cant help but think it is something that I’ve done. Today for example we drove 80 miles in total silence – there was a time we wouldn’t have hit the county line without him finding his way to my hand in the passengers seat. Of coarse I have brought this up to him, just how much I miss it and how much I need it. His answer is always,” I cant do it if its fake” Where then my mind goes “why is it fake? Its me remember? Are you faking your love for me?” I honestly formed a relationship with him in the beginning largely in part of the effort and passion he showed me and his commitment to “spark” in life. We now have to young children, and I understand there needs and demands can put a damper on things, but I just cant help think that there is someone out there who would love me – someone out there who would be more than happy to show a little love, a little tenderness. My defense is always to run so I am trying harder than ever not to do that, especially since we have the children, who are beautiful and oblivious to my pain, thank goodness. I need a strategy for loss, I truly feel as if a part of me has died – I really enjoyed those moments between us and now they are gone. Please help. I know that I have to start looking inward, and I am – and I am trying to do that, I really am, but my heart is truly broken – I feel defeated and used up, empty and cold and I know no one can save me, but I could sure use some advice


    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Melissa,

    I’m also a married mother with a young child and I can understand that it is very hard to find time for romance and that it is easy to feel at times like your husband is more of a room mate then a romantic partner.

    In fairness my husband was never very romantic in the first place so I’m not missing as much!

    On a day to day basis I try to look for the love that my husband shows me every day. I remind myself that he is working hard to provide for me and my child. He shows me how much he loves me by being a good father. He shows me his love by being present and by being part of our family. I compare him to the deadbeat fathers I hear about and I see how much he loves us and cares for us.

    I think love and romance matures into something much better as relationships go on. Intimacy that is based on a history of shared experiences is wonderful. Becoming part of larger family and the joint work undertaken in forging a life together is great. I feel that these are less showy but richer treasures to be savored.

    I wonder if what your husband means is “I can’t do it if it’s not spontaneous”. Perhaps you put him on the spot a little when you asked him for more romance and he didn’t know what to do?

    I wonder if perhaps your marriage would improve in the romance department if you showed him what you wanted rather then told him? Sometimes people respond better when they are led by example. You could try being the romantic partner towards your husband, that you want for yourself. So you could make an effort to be affectionate every day, even if it’s just a quick hug or a pat on the back. You could try being really positive when you are around him, show him courtesy and affection verbally too. It’s so easy when you are tired and run down with childcare to be snappy or even just strictly business and I find we are generally very careless with our words to our spouses, more so then we would ever dare to be towards anyone else.

    Why don’t you write love notes to your husband of the type that he used to write to you? It doesn’t have to be a sonnet or spectacularly emotional or deep. I sometimes fire off a quick email to my husband with a short list of things that he does that I really appreciate. The are often mundane little everyday things, but they mean a lot to me and I know it shows that he cares.

    You may also want to try to carve out more time together as a couple. Easier said then done with young children I know. Maybe you should commit to spending half an hour together a couple of nights a week when the children are in bed. Switch off all electronic devices and share a cup of tea. It is amazing how far this can go to regrouping a couple.

    I really hope that you find a solution.

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