Dear trustagain:

Thank you for your good wishes. You shared that most recently you went through a breakup of a one-year relationship, 10 days following the one-year anniversary of the relationship.

There were “harsh words.. thrown at each other, toxic behaviors toward one another”, yet, following this breakup you gave in to the urge again, just as you have done following two previous breakups, the urge to  “text.. for reconciliation… texted my ex that I wanted him back and hope he can reconsider it”.

He didn’t reply, if I understand correctly. Your brain gets his silence as a No, but your heart doesn’t. You wrote regarding your urge: “My urge ends me in humiliation, and the hope that I have in reconciliation kills me. Why”?.. Till when will I stop hurting my heart?”

My answer: humans are social animals, like domestic dogs and coyotes and wolves and deer and elk. When a social animal finds himself alone, terribly separated from its social group, it experiences an acute distress, it panics.

I remember one night waking up to the extremely loud and urgent howls of a single coyote who was separated from its group, it didn’t stop piercing the silent night sky with its desperate cries until his group came back for him. When that happened, the cries were gone, and all was well for that one lost coyote. The reason behind the panic, for the coyote, is that alone, without the group, he is not likely to survive, as they hunt together and help each other survive otherwise, together.

A similar acute distress is experienced when a young animal finds herself alone, separated from her mother, like a young fawn finding herself alone, her mother the doe nowhere in sight. The doe fears being alone with no way to feed herself and protect herself from predators.

Back to you- you were emotionally attached to the three boyfriends, one at a time. Each was your social group, each was partly an emotional care-taker of sorts. Separated, like the coyote, like the fawn, you panicked. When we panic, the heart takes over the brain, like you suggested, and all you care about is getting him back…. so you text, similar to the coyote howling: Come and get me! I am scared alone!

As you know, a breakup is not the same as an animal finding itself alone, we can still eat, we are not in physical danger, but our social animal instincts are still that of other social animals, it feels like we are in danger, having suddenly left alone, separated.

There is intense despair in that separation, as well as intense hope for reuniting with the person gone from our lives, ending that desperate separation.

Is my explanation making sense to you?

anita

You are welcome, trustagain. I will be glad to read from you again, anytime you want to express yourself again.

anita

Dear trustagain,

I think that both what anita and GL said are valid points, because we naturally crave attachment and hurt when we lose that bond, but as GL noted, it seems there’s something more there.

You said you knew your relationship was toxic, you weren’t treating each other nicely, but you couldn’t accept the breakup, you were begging your ex to come back to you. And it happened in your 2 previous relationships too. What comes to me is that you might be driven by a subconscious belief that any relationship is better than no relationship. Because you were willing to stay in a toxic relationship, even if it hurt. But the lack of relationship hurts even more, it seems. Does this ring true to you?