Another thread on the same thing. Did you not say in another thread that he said he loved you? And anytime there was an argument that he would apologize to you first? That he did not want to lose you? That you feel like you were used? OMG, time out. You must stop going over and over this like there is nothing else in this world.

Yeah, I am sorry for your hurt feelings and feel like being used. But, it happened. NOW IS THE TIME TO MOVE ONE. If you can not stand living next to him then move. Stop all this pain. Stop trying to be the martyr. If you keep whining about him and the way yo feel then you will never get better. Suffering is all you want??? Feel deep shame and embarrassment? Love him very much? This so called love story is over. Put the love story book down and continue on with your real life.

Hello Helcat,

Making thread after thread about the same thing? To just complain about this person who she believes has done her wrong but provides no proof, no explanation? She really needs to give that up or it will destroy her life. I do not see this as cruel or inappropriate as letting her continue like this so that she wades in her sorry until she drowns. She makes more thread and go over the same thing about how cruel this guy is to her. To have promised marriage and all that. But, where is his side of the story. Cause she had mention how loving he was. When they had fights he was always the first to apologize and say that he never wanted to lose her (that was her own words). So, how does a man go from not wanting to lose the love to leave her and find another woman? She sees herself as the victim. There comes a time where she has to become stronger and grow from this. To move forward. Just like the other thread where the guy came here looking for excuses so he came find a reason to forgive the girl who cheated on him. If you feed them what they want to hear then they will go down with the ship.

Kinder way to do this? Do you peel the bandage off slowly to feel every little movement as pain? Which is really more kind? Yeah, this is the last time I post here. I can not help those who chose to live in sorrow and depression.

Dear Laven:

Please do post again, here in this thread, in any of your other 3 threads, and/ or in a new thread. You are welcome to start a new thread any time you would like to.

In the future, when you post again, if you would like readers to offer no analytical commentary on your posts (I happen to be analytical, and analyze OPs’ stories), please state so, and I will respect your wishes. To prevent judgmental replies in the future, it may help to request that readers do not reply to you judgmentally. Clearly, you need empathy, not judgment.

(I will post this message in your April 6 thread as well).

anita

Hello Anita,

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I do not wish to post here anymore. It seems I have lost the ability to have compassion but  …. When a person is hysterical, what should a person do? Hold them by the hand and say everything will be alright? Or does one slap the person to bring them back to the present moment? It is hard to judge such things. Which action is actually best? I am sorry for my words. And regret posting it. And it has reminded me that I still need to work on myself. And so I will stop posting. At least for a long while. In the mean time, I know you will be your great self and help people the best you can. And for that I am so grateful.

Tommy

Hi Tommy

Are you lacking compassion? To me your intent was compassionate? It simply didn’t work out as intended. If only everyone could feel better with a quick shock.

A large part of this forum is not knowing how things are going to turn out. People come here in pain. You try and help as best you can and they leave.

I remember when I had therapy. The goal of therapy and even here is for people to learn to help themselves. In the moment, a person might not be ready. I know I wasn’t. But we have memories and if you share something that one day might be useful, that is a job well done.

You apologised. You live and you learn. You can stop beating yourself up now.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Dear Tommy:

I like your distinction between acting and reacting to a member (an OP). When I notice that as I reply to a member, I feel angry, I pause and switch from anger to => empathy. Better to not reply at all than reply when under the influence of anger.

“My intent was to make her look at herself and her situation. To have her pull herself out of this self-pity“- anger expressed at an OP, even if there is an intent to help the OP, will not pull the OP out of self  pity. All the OP sees are words on a computer screen, words typed out by a person the OP doesn’t know and has no reason to trust (in most cases). So, your expressed anger at an OP is .. just anger, judgement coming out of the screen, hitting the hurting OP, and casing further pain. It is of no help, only harm.

I hope that you are careful about speaking in anger in real-life, so to Do No Harm.

bright zen way. org/ five ways to consider before speaking: “The Buddha taught there were five things to consider before speaking. Is what you’re about to say: 1. Factual and true, 2. Helpful, or beneficial, 3. Spoken with kindness and good-will.., 4. Endearing.. spoken gently…  5. Timely…

“Basically, if it seems very unlikely our speech will be helpful or beneficial, no matter our intentions, the Buddha suggests we remain silent…

“Considering our own attitude while speaking is another useful approach to evaluating our speech. What are we thinking and feeling as we contemplate saying something? Do we have judgments in our mind about the person we’re speaking to – that they’re stupid, weak, pathetic, inferior, deluded, stubborn, etc.? If so, chances are we’re feeling superior to them and our motivation to speak isn’t sincerely about their best interests.

“If someone has hurt or offended us…. chances are our speech will be tinged with anger and a desire to hurt the person in return. Sometimes we can remind ourselves of the importance of speaking with good-will, and we’ll be able to extend some warmth, patience, and benefit-of-the-doubt to those we’re speaking to or about…

“Even if we’re convinced we should speak, failing to consider how our words are going to make someone feel shows either self-centeredness or folly. After all, why are we speaking? Do we just want make a point that we’re right, or do we actually want to communicate something to others? If we actually want to communicate, then we’d better think about how our words are likely to be received.

“Of course, the Buddha makes it clear right speech may sometimes not be endearing. We can easily think of examples where this is the case – when we need to say ‘no,’ or set a boundary with someone, or we need to point out harmful behavior, or say something that’s likely to make someone feel defensive or ashamed no matter how we put it. If we’re motivated by good-will, what we say is factual and true, and we think saying it will be beneficial, then we can say it. But…  we should have ‘a sense of the proper time for saying’ what we want to say. Maybe we should bite our tongue and speak to someone in private instead of blurting our message out at the dining room table..”.

I hope that you find the above helpful, Tommy. I do. Thank you for your best wishes and wishing you the best as well!

anita

Dear Tommy:

“…The neighbors said, how terrible the new horse caused your son to break his leg…. The next day, the government came by to conscript all the men in the village. When they saw the farmer’s son, they left him cause he had a broken leg. The neighbors said, how lucky your son has a broken leg. So, what is the truth? Does the truth change from one moment to the next depending upon the present conditions?“- I’d say: no, the truth does not change: (1) Riding/ training/ handling horses can be dangerous and if one chooses to be around horses, one should be attentive, skillful and careful, (2) It is safer for a person to stay home with a broken leg than to go to war with two intact legs.

“So, thank you for your help and well wishes. I will check my anger the next time I speak.”-.you are welcome, Tommy, and thank you for checking your anger the next time you speak (I will do he same)!

anita