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November 10, 2015 at 12:53 pm #87171
AnonymousGuestDear J:
You wrote: “I’m depressed, anxious, I have no self-esteem and little faith in the rest of humanity.” The proof is in the pudding, that is the proof of your parents doing a very inadequate job is in the results, this quote here.
You also write, last sentence: “All I can do is grin and bear it, I suppose.” No, you are supposing wrong. This is not all you can do. You can exit the Black Sheep role in this family, leave then all behind (yes, you can, imagine that, totally legal, totally doable.. and extremely moral, says I) and make yourself a life where you are safe from bullying, from verbal abuse, from being told to shut up, a life where you are valuable and choose who you associate with.
Totally doable.
anitaNovember 10, 2015 at 1:05 pm #87172
JoeParticipantAnita
That is one of my future goals – I am trying to run a crafting business on Etsy and trying to find work as a freelance illustrator online. I really hope this takes off soon and that I can manage to find some work online from this. I would really love for my work and business to be predominantly online-based so I could move out and travel. I know it sounds mad and there is going to be a lot of hard work involved but I’ve been searching for a job for a year now and not had any luck whatsoever. I still need to complete my TEFL course but I want to go back out there to teach English (but I’m only teaching adult students and university students, teaching school kids is exhausting!) I am still financially dependent on my parents – I don’t want to be but I need to start working harder because I want out of here.
Thankyou for all your advice and insight Anita, I really appreciate it 🙂
Joe
November 10, 2015 at 1:16 pm #87173AnonymousGuestDear Joe:
You are welcome. Anytime! Hope you will get out of there as soon as possible. I understand the practical considerations. I only hope that all your energies will go to getting out and away and not into trying to change the family dynamics. Exit the dynamic, don’t try to change it: any energy you put in the latter will be unsuccessful and all your energy should go to the former.
anita
November 10, 2015 at 1:24 pm #87174
JenniferParticipantDear J:
Thanks for sharing. You are very strong and intelligent. The fact that you can write this means you have “awakened” to reality. That is a big step. It seems that your family is oblivious to it and they are suffering without knowing it. You are the smart one!
It sounds like you were one of the middle children that was neglected and not properly cared for. This simple realization can help change your future. I didn’t realize the impact my parents had on me until I was 29 years old…I realized you are never too late to start making a difference for yourself.
It is very difficult to confront family who is blind to what they are doing. It’s become a negative habit for them & it’s hard to break them out of it. May I suggest finding friends or other people who are positive to hang around….some college or high school friends whom you have still kept in contact. Do fun things for yourself…it doesn’t have to cost much…you can enjoy an afternoon roaming around town & do something that you enjoy…could be simple as walking in a park, doing arts/crafts, taking photos, whatever your hobby may be. Find meetup groups that share your same interest…this could maybe help in finding a job you desire.
The important thing right now is to focus on you. I know it sounds selfish but it is not. Focus on what makes you happy, what is important to you. Once you have found your own happiness, your family will realize that you also have a voice that needs to be heard.
By the way, I am also currently unemployed….me and my friends call it “funemployed” 🙂Steve Jobs & Bill Gates both did not finish university…but yet they built big careers for themselves. The famous spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, who wrote the book ‘Power of Now’ spent two years sitting in park benches, but is now guiding others to happiness on Oprah TV. James Cameron was a truck driver before he made it big with being a filmmaker for many movies including Titanic. What I am saying is don’t let your siblings get you down. Find your passion, pursue your dream…with hard work & patience, you can achieve your own happiness & success.
I wish you the best of luck!
JenniferNovember 11, 2015 at 10:19 pm #87249
JanineParticipantI read through this earlier, and it got me thinking.. A few days ago, I shared a very special moment with someone and I thought I’d share it here. At this time I was experiencing a lot of resentment towards my mother. I was holding on to these thoughts, such as “Why didn’t you love me?” and “How couldn’t you have seen me hurting?”. I was telling a friend about how heartbroken I was by not being recognized by my mother. I felt sorry that I did not fulfill her expectations of having a daughter. Then I reflected on an idea; you are given the child you need, not the child you want. And as I was pondering this aloud, and I asked myself “Why did I chose her as my mother? And what is it she needed from me?”. I realize that we can only show people things when they are willing to look, so this cannot act as a universal remedy, but it gave this conversation the stir it needed.. My friend laid back, and there was a parting silence. He took me back and asked me, “Don’t you remember when your mother was a little girl, and she was so beautiful and innocent?”. And we thought about how she was not always so calloused, and about the things that hurt her enough to bring her to be this shaken, bitter adult. I began to cry because I knew that there was still a precious, loving child within her. Up until this moment, I was certain I detested my mother for leaving me so damaged. But after the embrace of this moment, I could forgive myself and forgive her. Now, have the space to move on and heal myself. I have recognized that these things she deals with are not because of me and they are not mine to carry.
November 12, 2015 at 8:05 am #87272AnonymousGuest* Dear moonpedal: it is a special moment when the result is you believing finally that indeed “these things she deals with are not because of me and they are not mine to carry.” Amen.
Best to you in healing. Post any time, here or on a new thread!
anita -
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 