Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Things said and things left unsaid
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Matt.
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September 3, 2013 at 12:01 pm #41638
JohnParticipantI express my thoughts and feelings and my mind lashes back with, “Is that really what you believe? Is that how you really feel? You probably shouldn’t have said that.”
I don’t express myself and my mind lashes back with, “Why didn’t you say what you think? Why don’t you say how you feel?”
How do you turn off this inner critic when it comes to expressing thoughts and feelings?
September 3, 2013 at 12:38 pm #41641
SelfloveParticipantYou need to simply accept that you cannot go back and change things. when you let go of constant thinking and judging yourself or your acts; you will be released of these “back lashes”
what’s said is said, what’s done is done.
But next time, before you say anything, ask yourself… Is this what you want to say?? Then stick with the first answer that comes to your mind.
September 3, 2013 at 1:08 pm #41643JohnParticipantThat’s an interesting suggestion, “Stick with the first answer that comes to your mind.”
In times of emotional intensity, the mind begins to reel and an argument ensues and loops around in circles, “Say this!”, “No, say that!” and round and round it goes it’s hard to remember which one was the first response. 😛
I sometimes think the best thing to do would be to remain silent and let the emotional moment pass instead of getting so wrapped up in it. Silence is sometimes the most difficult thing to tolerate.
September 3, 2013 at 3:07 pm #41651
MattParticipantJohn,
Perhaps you have a difficult time liking yourself. When we are in a habit of ignoring our needs, there is a disruption in the trust we have for ourselves. So the mind chimes in as a protector and critic… comparing your actions to some ideal vision of yourself. That vision will never be and has never been. What is John but a constantly evolving momentum of shifting thoughts and emotions?
For instance, you say something, and immediately fear what was said. That fear takes the shape of producing some consequence… either internal “is that really me” or external “how will that be heard”. When we take the time to self nurture, we can be confident that it doesn’t matter. We say what we feel and think, and imperfectly, and if and when miscommunication happens we do our best to respond with how we think and feel. In the absence of self nurturing, we don’t have the confidence that whatever arises we’ll work through, and so we try to avoid/fear things that might produce imperfect results.
Consider that the voice which questions everything you do and say doesn’t care about you… it is empty of wisdom or warmth, and its only job is sustaining self doubt. Said differently, a mechanism of fear->self doubt is a cycle that sustains itself, it has nothing to offer you. A gnat buzzing in the mind that pulls your attention away from what is.
With warmth,
MattSeptember 3, 2013 at 5:38 pm #41656
Alexey SunlyParticipantIf you are not willing to commit to a healthy lifestyle and everyday mediation practice, no advice will help you, unfortunately.
September 4, 2013 at 7:05 am #41726JohnParticipantEver since I started meditating and studying Buddhism, I’ve tapped into an inner reservoir of confidence, strength, and equanimity I didn’t even realize was possible. I love myself more than I ever have in the past and my inner flame burns quite brightly.
At the same time, as I continue to practice, there is at times a feeling of wanting more or wanting to be better. I could be more confident, more secure, more authentic, more loving, more compassionate, more vulnerable, more generous, more open, more honest. And with that striving to be better my neurosis are fed. Like you said Matt, my mind compares me and evaluates me to some ideal version that never was and never will be. It’s a vicious little gremlin that I would like to at times strangle the living daylights out of. 😉
To be fearless and remove all self-doubt. To love fully, wholeheartedly, and completely. To be rid of any self-checking and just doing and saying what feels right at any given moment without fear of retribution. To stop trying so hard. To have no expectations from myself or others. To tap into the natural rhythm and flow of the world around me.
I’m reading “Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism” by Chogyam Trungpa and a lot of the text resonates with me and I recognize the materialistic pitfalls I’m falling into. But it feels difficult to let go and surrender completely in order to break free of this fear->self-doubt cycle. I’m thinking I’m reaching some roadblocks in my self-study and a teacher or mentor might prove useful at this point in my journey. I recognize there are a lot of shysters and charlatans out there peddling spirituality and emotional mastery, so I need to be cautious, but also open to the possibility of connecting with someone who can help deepen my practice.
September 4, 2013 at 11:04 am #41745
BrookParticipantJohn, who hurt you?
September 4, 2013 at 12:15 pm #41751JohnParticipantNo one has hurt me. If anything, I hurt myself through self-judgement and criticism.
Any suffering I experience is from craving. A craving to be or craving not to be. I watch the up and down from moment to moment and see myself pulling away or pushing towards just spinning and spinning uncessary in circles. 😉
September 4, 2013 at 7:30 pm #41764MattParticipantJohn,
Yes, the good old aversion to unpleasantness and craving for pleasantness. Be patient, as your practice continues, there is a joyous humor that arises alongside the rising and fading away of phenomena. Said differently, as we learn to breathe in the peacefulness directly, its not that we turn away from joy, its just that we say “oh, the heart is hungry” and feed it better food. Rather than engaging the ripples as some type of path or solution. If you think about it, how do you dissipate the ripples in a pond? Tossing things/actions at it?
With warmth,
MattSeptember 5, 2013 at 6:50 am #41807JohnParticipantThanks Matt. Brllliant! To dissipate the ripples in a pond, you allow for stillness and space.
So difficult to see the forest through the trees sometimes. 🙂
September 5, 2013 at 1:58 pm #41818MattParticipantJohn,
Well said! Meditation just opens the space… the ripples settle as we let them be. Namaste, brother.
With warmth,
Matt -
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