Dear Ben:

14 years of dreaming and at 28 you feel the dream had failed you, didn’t deliver, or should I say reality failed you. That thing called reality, what a bummer it is for the dreamer when faced with the unaccomodating reality. Again, the final scene from The Never Ending Story of 1984 comes to mind. People’s dreams all died at that scene at the end, all of the magical land of Fantasia disappeared, only one grain of sand remained. That is all that remained of the magnificent dreams, dreams vanished by the Nothing, that power that feeds on people’s despair when their dreams die.

One grain of sand. The hero of the story, is devestated that all his efforts to save the land of Fantasia failed.But the princess tells him that he can dream anew and before he knew it, that grain of sand became again Fantasia. I don’t like this ending. To me that one grain of sand is the LIFE still in me. I wouldn’t want to dream yet another dream, another fantasy. I want to live REALITY. I find reality way more tolerable than fantasy. When I let go of the dream I had (which I didn’t mention here)- I find comfort in reality.

Lots and lots and lots, probably most people have wasted most of their lives, time, youth, resources in failed endeavors, often endeavors (unlike yours) that didn’t even have a chance to succeed. This is more the human condition than it is an exception. There is much pain in realizing this, wanting to turn the clock backward and do things differently, mourning the lost time, the lost youth, wanting the time back.

This is life. Lots of what we are told (follow your dream; don’t give up no matter what, and so much more) is BS. I have nothing more.

anita

Anita, what was/is your dream? I’m curious.

* Note to jeena: hmm, your question and my answer made me realize something about The Never Ending Story of 1984: the last grain of sand and the building of a whole new Fantasia from that one grain, the new Fantasia can be my second dream coming true, my goodness, how helpful (your) a question can be! Thank you.
anita

Im sorry for the responses you have gotten so far. You are simply going through the normal course of depression/sadness/loss that accompanies unemployment. Dreams only die in the face of reality if you let them and life does not follow a clear upward trend of progression. You have been made redundant because most modern companies are unstable in some way. Poor quality, short-term work is the norm for EVERYONE. Its not you. Its them. My advice is this: it is slightly possible that your data is restorable but you need an expert that knows how to dig in deep into the guts of your hard drive – surely you know someone from your last job with these sort of skills. Otherwise consider it a learning exercise. You cannot trust a computer. EVER. If it was that important more then one backup was called for. Lastly get off google. There are no answers to lifes troubles, especially those of the unemployed on the internet. Hope that helps.

Dear jeena and blah:

Both of you apologized for the responses so far, for the “sidetracked comments”- are you two kidding me? Apologizing for MY comments? Stick to your comments, take responsiblity to your own, not to mine. I am responsible for my own comments.

Who are the two of you, separately or together, to determine that my comments are irrelevant? I believe the are very relevant still.

I am not in the habit of putting down other people’s comments, it is disrespectful. I will appreciate if you treat my comments with respect. Ignoring comments you do not like, or writing something specific about what you disagree with about a comment is okay, doing so respectfully.

anita

Dear jeena:

None of our comments above were sidetracked. The original post is about dreams, not necessarily about the specificity of one particular dream, is it? If it was then the place to post it would be in a website specific to digital artists in the computer games industry. The “sidetracked comments” about replacing one unworkable dream with a workable dream is very relevant. So thank you for your comment. Do not be so quick to accept another’s (blah’s) criticism. Examine first.

anita

Hi, I registered to respond because I feel the need to speak on this. I’m 29 and in a similar situation mentally. I hope it might help to lay out some of my thoughts reading your words. (Don’t take this as mean-spirited criticism, honestly trying to help and you already feel like shit anyway so I’m just gonna speak).

– I got a job in the mean time while I worked on portfolio but after 80 hours of work my computer broke and I lost both my hard drive and the back up. 10 months work gone in an instant.

Sucks man. 80 hrs of work is… not really a lot of work to get done in 10 months, even in your free time. You also mentioned being stressed out working in industry, I guess from the workload or work culture. My point is if you want to make stuff happen, you have to get comfortable with a high-workload lifestyle. Not trying to criticize you, but it sounds like right now you are doing the day-job-while-working-on-your-passion-on-the-side kind of routine but you maybe spend too much time feeling out your negative emotions to get much work done on your passion projects. During this period you need to be consistently doubling down on the work and looking ahead. You lost your previous portfolio, so think on what could have made it better and see it as an opportunity to start again from the ground up. You said you day job doesn’t pay enough to have a car so unless you are working in a sweatshop in Bangladesh I would assume you aren’t working >40-50 hrs/wk; you should easily be able to consistently spend a 2-3 focused hours a day on your portfolio. Put those hours in and appreciate the opportunity to do so, work is your ally and the source of your energy. If you experience a setback, look at it critically to learn what was done wrong and start on the next thing. Remember Michael Jordan lost over 300 games in his career. You already know that inertia and worrying about your self-worth only feed into each other.

– And I feel like family and friends will be disappointed in me or like I will look stupid for it. I don’t know whether this inner voice is my passion trying to get me to work through this wall or whether that voice is the stubborn blah blah blah…

a) Working hard to please family/friends is something you need to leave behind in childhood. Grown folks work for themselves and your pride and confidence in that kind of self-determination is what other people will respect you for anyway. If you are working consistently towards a goal, that’s real work and anyone who doesn’t “get it”, they will come around (or they won’t, but that’s their problem honestly).
b) Don’t spend too much time dwelling on those kinds of questions. Answer it yes or no, or stick a pin in it, flip a coin if you have to- whatever it takes to snap you out of it so you can get back into the flow of working. Again, just relax and enjoy your own workflow. Getting in that relaxed, high-workload flow is the bedrock of productivity and success.

-It also doesn’t help that in my area now there are only 2 companies and neither are hiring (and they rarely hire artists as they get so many applications every day). -I would and have considered freelance but the field is so glutted with others that its damn hard to get a look in

For this and all other work-getting related issues: network, network, network. If you don’t know, ask somebody. Also I recall you are a self-teaching personality so I would advise that a good mentor is possibly the best asset you can ask for. You will know a good mentor when you meet one, don’t let them get away when you do.

I’ve tried explaining to my partner but she has never really had a dream or passion thus doesn’t understand.

I know the feeling, it adds to the loneliness/disconnection. The best you will get is support, but like I said the fire needs to come from you, with or without her. That said, it would very likely help to work or be friends with people you share your ambition (not necessarily in the same field). Ambition is contagious. This also overlaps with networking (see above), it’s easier to get into work mode when your social environment is already in tune with it. Probably you envision an ideal situation where your GF is everything you need socially but after college most people end up having to divide up their relational needs among multiple persons. This can be taxing for a severe introvert but it does get the job done.

Another note: At age 28 you are in the middle of what astrology folks call the “saturn return”, basically a dark period when all your skeletons feel like they’re rolling out the closet and your demons are getting real close. Usually happens age 27-29, when all the famous rock stars died or committed suicide. I think it might have something to do with the emotional switch from young adulthood to mature adulthood but the point is: you are still getting smarter, harder, faster, leaner, and meaner, so make the most of it and keep your swagger up. All my older friends say they were more relaxed and focused after 30 (also notice that relaxation and focus go hand-in-hand).

Anyway that’s your life, you’re only 28 so use your flexibility and don’t be afraid to prioritize your passions. The people you need in your life will respect and love you for it. Network, be outgoing, and don’t be afraid to speak up for what you need. And don’t EVER be ashamed of having a dream, at any age. Everyone WANTS what you have, everyone WANTS to be us and have that feeling.