Hello all, I’m writing this because how else to talk to anyone about it. Lately I’ve been thinking about an ex-girlfriend from around 4 years ago and I don’t know why. I date this girl for around 7 months, it was the best thing for me at the time as she was my first and for the first time in a long time I was happy. However, things at home for me were less than stellar and my family kicked me out.

Now me and my ex had been planning for the possibility of a long-distance relationship as at the time I was trying to join the Royal Air Force and she was going to go to uni. So, we knew it was coming but not that soon. Things after I left home began to decline, we couldn’t hold on and my mental health began to spiral, and it reminded her too much of a previous relationship and decided to part ways. I was devastated, even more so when I heard things and she got with another guy 3 weeks later, sometimes I do wonder about that. I blamed myself for ages and really struggled, we talked sometimes but to nothing really, she messaged me sometimes to see how I was.

So, about a year later after the various ups and downs my life took at the time, I decided to go back into education which I have not regretted, I loved it. I met someone when I was there, and it was looking good. Bizarrely though about a week in to my course she messages me about how she’s going to Liverpool uni and wanted to see if I wanted to meet and get my jacket back off her because I gave it to her ages ago, but I didn’t reply, she message me a couple more times throughout the day until she noticed I had unfriended and she got upset. Now I should point out I didn’t unfriend her there and then. I did it back in July 2015 (about 2 or months before this) but not because I hated her or anything like. I did it because I realised there was no hope for me to have her back in my life and I felt the best thing for me to do as someone who cared very deeply about her, was to cut myself off and let her be happy without ever needed to see me or talk to me ever again.

I do debate as to whether I did the right thing by letting her believe I unfriended her right then, but I didn’t know what else to do and to spare further pain for myself or her, I blocked her, final shutting myself off from her completely.

Fast forward around 2 years, and I’m going to uni in that September and could not be happier, unfortunately things with my then girlfriend didn’t work out, I could find a way to talk to her about uni and what it meant to me, despite making a big point of it at the start of our relationship. She moves on two weeks after we part and I go home to Leicester for the first time in years.

To my surprise and shock, my family felt very guilty about the decision to kick me out. What was also interesting was that I saw my Ex’s family too, and again I was surprised, I thought it wasn’t going to go well but they, oddly seemed happy in a way to see me again with brother also saying her dad likes me because “you actually cared about her” which was I real punch in the gut moment. I was really confused about what to make of that, was it just said to keep me happy or was it genuine.

Fast forward to now, I’m at uni, doing very well, improving things constantly and truly having a passion for my career (Games Art if you wanted to know). But lately I’ve been thinking about her, a lot. I don’t know why, don’t get me wrong I know it is natural, but after what happened with her family and I, I had a lot of unanswered questions. So I’m in this rut, I don’t know what it is that brought this up, I decided to unblock because I felt there was reason to now really. I haven’t spoken to her, I think she’s happy where she is.

I don’t know, my mind knows that if anything was to happen, what would happen, I don’t to talk to her for fear of seeing something that upsets me and causes another mental spiral. But my heart says you still care for her deep down, maybe even love her just a little bit despite everything, you’re a much better human being now, far better than I was 4 years ago.

I know this was a long post but can anyone give some advice, for now intend to maintain silence and carry on with my work until such a time it feels more natural to say something. Did I do thing right thing all this time? How do I approach this and if something does happen, should I give it a chance?    Thanks, MH