Hi all

It has been 4 years since I last wrote in tiny Buddha.  So I am in a relationship with this man who I thought to be my best friend.  We had an attraction for each other 4 years back n he said we r going to be in a relationship but that didn’t happen.  I was in so deeply love with him n couldn’t take the rejection. Tried to move on and after 1 year I met a new guy from another religion.  Firstly we were good friends n few months later realized we are very fond of each other.  We respected each other,  listened to each other had meaningful conversation.  We emerged a a great support for each other. Things were beautiful in every way until we realized we have started liking each other more than friends.  Sometimes we had to argue over not being friends anymore  but I couldn’t help as both of us were heart broken.  We needed a friend badly.

In no time we started loving each other more profoundly.  Whatever he did I had great appreciation . He used to encourage me to be myself n follow my dreams.  N suddenly one day appears my that best friend from past n says that he wants me back in his life.  He needs support he needs me.  I ignored him. But my new friend whom I loved (but was confused always we didn’t have a future together ) said I should think about him and go back if he wants me.  I was passing very bad days n fall in the trap to contact with the former one. N because of my pain in rejection , I used to tease him about my new friend in various ways.  My new friend used to feel bad still he thought it was the best option for me.

Somehow I thought as the former one is back n wants to be settled with his life, maybe I should be with him.  Or I did it to cover up my pains got from rejection n betrayal. I started dating him. It was casual for me first  though once I used to love him slot.  I used to think he’s the one.  But without my concern. Things changed .I changed a lot as a person.  He no longer seemed suitable. His level of support was less than the new friend.  I continued to be friends with the new one too.  Anger n frustration grew in my partner. He couldn’t stand my friend as I had teased him about him.

Ihe took relationship seriously ignoring his growth in career n education  whereas I was fully determined to be the best of me.  I had a dream to go abroad and acquire knowledge  enrich myself.  But my partner would not leave hhis homeland. At first he said he would but later he started convincing me of staying.  I never succumbed. With all those confusions  I was being a good daughter n fully supported my family.  Financially my family is fully dependent on me.  So I knew what I need to do.  My partner was more into promises n day dreaming.  I could understand that my friend had all the qualities to be a partner.  I was also happy knowing my friend loved me crazily.  When I stared dating,  he missed me more and loved me more.  But my partner came off as an insecure person (surely he had reasons Mayb his instincts told him that I was loved by some one else. There was nothing physical though).

With blame game,  drama,  tears lies abuses I detached myself from my friend  but in my kind I loved him deeply resonating how he blindly loved me.  I felt my partner didn’t have certain qualities. I started comparing him to my friend. Even after all these I felt I should try . B I was so broken n afraid that I couldn’t break up with him bcz I loved him too n I couldn’t go to my friend bcz he was from another religion.  Moreover the love was love , I I didn’t want a life with him (bcz it was impossible even to think)

Now the situation is my partner detailed me of my dreams.  He won’t go abroad with me.  N if I go it would mean to end the relationship . He doesn’t respect me.  Does not appreciate me for what I do for my family .He doesn’t appreciate me for being a career oriented woman .Lately  I have become less focused.  I am trying to make a balance between his relationship n my work n dreams. But he keeps on blaming me for the slightest mistakes .He blames me if I want a good life.  He calls me selfish when I say I want to fulfill his dreams.  He himself devoid of education .Career etc. He never understands that I may have a social life .He doubts me.

I am tired now.  I know someone somewhere wants me badly n here I am in a relationship getting zero respect.  I don’t want to get back to my friend as we have stopped communicating.  I want him to do something greater.  If there is no future I don’t need that.  But I don’t need this partner in my life too.  I love him a lot but I can’t take all the traumas. I feel weak each day.  Helpless devasted n what not.  I need solution badly. I am at a stage where my context thinks I should be married off. At this point I don’t want to leave him either.  I have tried negotiation.  But at the end of day,  I don’t feel loved . With him I can’t fulfill my dreams. And I am afraid that things might turned out to be worst after marriage.

I should mention he is not financially stable rather sometimes he need my support. I feel irritated sometimes I wish him to do something for me. He has excuses saying after our marriage. On the other hand my friend with whom I don’t talk anymore used to love me unconditionally  What should I do now?