January 25, 2018 at 9:29 am #188931NParticipant
okay, january wins. it has been kicking my ass the whole time and now it wins. i like to think of my sanity as a jenga tower, and yesterday it finally toppled over
i don’t really know how to explain because everything sort of hits at once… my mom has been taking a new med that has scary side effects (so far she’s had a spectacular blood pressure so we were worried it could have caused a stroke, then the blood pressure meds to lower it made her sleep all day and numbed her legs to the point where she fell around 1 am and just couldn’t pick herself up) so for the past two days i’ve been hovering which despite knowing i don’t really need to do i can’t not do it. the my siblings are so lazy they have zero motivation to grow up and by extension aren’t helping to make moms life any easier either. i know it isn’t necessarily that they don’t care about her but they damn sure don’t seem to act like it. then came the application, to an internship that could potentially domino the rest of my life for the better (i could move away from home, start my career, gain my experience, and prove school is paying off) but it drove my crazy for the past two months and now that it’s turned it instead of feeling relieved i don’t feel confident in it so now i’m just anxious. then there’s my job i desperately want to quit because of this internship excitement, but also because i really cannot stand my coworker, who clearly by my luck i work in the same space with but i’m sure she’s probably annoyed with me too and my lack of enthusiasm. then there’s valentines day next month and my lame single virgin ass has spent six years without so much as a sideways glance from anybody, so i’m accepting takers from bumble to have sex with me and never see me again, why? because apparently virginity is no big deal, so sayeth ALL my friends who got to spend their first time with someone they like and i’ve been dumb enough to think it was, but some of us are never gonna be that lucky and never gonna get that far where they mean anything to anyone so i may as well just get it over with. then there’s the friends my therapist wants me to plan time for because of my work/school/family induced isolation (and she’s right, she’s got a point, being in my house raises my blood pressure) but i realize my friends only keep good happy company around and that’s certainly not me right now. but who do you go to with stress but friends? yeah not mine. i don’t need them to pity me which is what they do and it just makes me feel more like shit. and my absolute best friend is helpful but i’m tired of there always being depressing things happening to me and good things happening to her. i don’t actively want to drag her joy down just because i rarely feel my own joy. which usually results in my not talking to her unless she seeks me out, and the longer in between times that she does makes me not want to talk to her more. i actually turned off my notifications so i wouldn’t know she was tying to talk to me and just so i can keep hiding
i don’t know what’s going on. i’m not dangerous or anything but i certainly don’t feel great. i really want to run and hide but i have too much responsibility not to. and all these pieces falling out this tower is definitely leaning and i can’t even decently talk about it because i’m just complaining. i just want a nap and quiet, but don’t have solace anywhere. it just feels so dizzying… tl,dr: i’m overwhelmed, send helpJanuary 25, 2018 at 9:49 am #188939AnonymousGuest
Of all that you described, the internship is the only promising option you have. It involves moving away from home, away from the burden you experience regarding your mother’s health, away from the siblings you resent for not acting like they care about your mother (maybe they will once you move), away from the job and co worker you dislike, away from the friend you are hiding from.
The only promising option that I see. Take it…?
anitaJanuary 25, 2018 at 10:12 am #188965MarkParticipant
I agree with Anita. It sounds like your current family environment is not conducive for you to make healthy, positive decisions. It looks like the internship is the best avenue for you to move forward.
One step at a time. In the meantime, look to ways to support yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually.
There are a host of ways that you can explore.
MarkJanuary 30, 2018 at 7:22 am #189759quackingphilosopherParticipant
First and foremost, let me applaud you for your courage to be able to open up to this community.
I think that it’s very respectable that one has a bravery like yours, and it’s excellent because it means that you’re not keeping your feelings bottled up inside of you.
You must be feeling horrible, N, seeing that you’re facing so many events at a time. You’re worried about your mother, your siblings are not making your life any easier, the issue with your internship, your job, etcetera. I agree that it is certainly too much to handle, and you must feel that your focus is very scattered.
I have been there before. I understand. With so many commitments piled up and so many things to stress about, you just want to escape from it all. I do have this avoidance tendency before, and even now, I have it. It is normal. I just wanted to tell you that.
It is very hard to cope currently, but my advice on this matter is to set priorities. Set a goal at a time for you to achieve. When you do so, you’re actually taking active steps instead of spiralling around your current spot of self-pity. I realise that I’m using pretty harsh words at the moment, but it’s required because I see that you’re currently too pressured to carry yourself as per normal in your life.
I hope that you heed my advice and start to continue living life again with confidence that things will be better. With hope in your heart that knows that the current you might not be in the best position – but there will be worst and there will be better as well. I believe in you!
I have had similar thoughts before – especially when I felt like my life was in the gutters too. I was jealous of my friends who looked like they have had it all under control, I envied how they looked like they were enjoying their present moments. However, I come to realise that what we are seeing is just the tip of the iceberg. We don’t know their full story that led them to get to their current destination. And I rather not to know, because they are them – I am me. Let me focus on improving myself, and becoming a better person than who I was before.
I do not need the best circumstances to put me in the best of moods. I am in control of my own feelings, and you too – you have the right to be happy.
I encourage you to follow your heart and stop thinking.
I wish you the best of luck.