okay, january wins. it has been kicking my ass the whole time and now it wins. i like to think of my sanity as a jenga tower, and yesterday it finally toppled over

i don’t really know how to explain because everything sort of hits at once… my mom has been taking a new med that has scary side effects (so far she’s had a spectacular blood pressure so we were worried it could have caused a stroke, then the blood pressure meds to lower it made her sleep all day and numbed her legs to the point where she fell around 1 am and just couldn’t pick herself up) so for the past two days i’ve been hovering which despite knowing i don’t really need to do i can’t not do it. the my siblings are so lazy they have zero motivation to grow up and by extension aren’t helping to make moms life any easier either. i know it isn’t necessarily that they don’t care about her but they damn sure don’t seem to act like it. then came the application, to an internship that could potentially domino the rest of my life for the better (i could move away from home, start my career, gain my experience, and prove school is paying off) but it drove my crazy for the past two months and now that it’s turned it instead of feeling relieved i don’t feel confident in it so now i’m just anxious. then there’s my job i desperately want to quit because of this internship excitement, but also because i really cannot stand my coworker, who clearly by my luck i work in the same space with but i’m sure she’s probably annoyed with me too and my lack of enthusiasm. then there’s valentines day next month and my lame single virgin ass has spent six years without so much as a sideways glance from anybody, so i’m accepting takers from bumble to have sex with me and never see me again, why? because apparently virginity is no big deal, so sayeth ALL my friends who got to spend their first time with someone they like and i’ve been dumb enough to think it was, but some of us are never gonna be that lucky and never gonna get that far where they mean anything to anyone so i may as well just get it over with. then there’s the friends my therapist wants me to plan time for because of my work/school/family induced isolation (and she’s right, she’s got a point, being in my house raises my blood pressure) but i realize my friends only keep good happy company around and that’s certainly not me right now. but who do you go to with stress but friends? yeah not mine. i don’t need them to pity me which is what they do and it just makes me feel more like shit. and my absolute best friend is helpful but i’m tired of there always being depressing things happening to me and good things happening to her. i don’t actively want to drag her joy down just because i rarely feel my own joy. which usually results in my not talking to her unless she seeks me out, and the longer in between times that she does makes me not want to talk to her more. i actually turned off my notifications so i wouldn’t know she was tying to talk to me and just so i can keep hiding

i don’t know what’s going on. i’m not dangerous or anything but i certainly don’t feel great. i really want to run and hide but i have too much responsibility not to. and all these pieces falling out this tower is definitely leaning and i can’t even decently talk about it because i’m just complaining. i just want a nap and quiet, but don’t have solace anywhere. it just feels so dizzying… tl,dr: i’m overwhelmed, send help