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To Marry or to Leave That is the Question

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  • #224151

    Hello all, I’m new to this site but I joined because I wanted a sounding board. I’m facing a crucial crossroads in my life and I have to make a decision that won’t make me miserable. This is going to be long so I apologize ahead of time.

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years now. He’s known me since I started  my PhD and he’s been there through my mother’s death, my graduation, visa troubles and so on and so forth. We have or I thought we had and incredibly strong and enduring relationship. Because of my visa situation though I had to read through all of our past texts and I realized he was a lot more interested in me in the beginning. At this point he still sends little kissy faces and he does send texts and so forth, but he’s not nearly as present and involved as he used to be. I know that sounds like a very little thing but it’s one of a lot of little things. I continually ask him to do things with me and he won’t. I’m not a party person but I don’t mind having a barbecue with the neighbors and such but he’ll cancel those without telling me and then say it was because I didn’t want to go. I asked him to learn a couples dance I like to do and he wouldn’t. We used to have breakfast together on the weekend and now he doesn’t want to do that. I’m a late riser but I’ve asked him to wake me up so I can cook for him and he won’t do it. If I go to bed early so I wake up naturally he will often tell me he’s going to go golfing or just doesn’t want a big breakfast because it’s fattening or something. We used to Skype with his parents together but for about a year or more he’s set up his computer so that when he calls them he has headphones on and so …. I can’t hear them and can’t speak to them. They’re his parents so I haven’t complained, but his mother did complain that I wasn’t joining the conversation anymore. But she complained to me with the assumption that it was my fault rather than him. We’ve been on a lot of trips together which I do like, but whenever we go with family it’s always his family never mine and it’s always where he wants to go and what he wants to do. We did go to a wedding on my side of the family, but after two days with one of my relatives he decided he couldn’t stand it anymore and insisted we stay with his friends instead. It was like pulling teeth to get him to let me see my grandmother and cousins and he made it completely clear he didn’t want to be there.

    We took a trip this summer once again with his family. We were with his parents and some cousins of his. Whenever I tried to walk with him his cousins got between us. Whenever I tried to speak to him they interrupted me. I even at one point just kept talking through one of the interruptions and my boyfriend told ME to stop interrupting his cousin. After that I just stopped speaking entirely. He then accused me of being recalcitrant. If I tried to do something with him they insisted on coming with. When we went to the beach they even tried to tell me what I should wear and how precisely I should do things like dig for cockles (they aren’t any better or more experienced at any of this than I and at one point what they were insisting was that on a cold and windy day I wear shorts). At one point we were all out together at some outdoor market and while I was looking at something they all including my boyfriend just walked away and left me there alone. I decided the better part of valor at that point was to enjoy the market on my own. So I did. And then when they found me they accused me of wandering off. It could have been a mistake but with everything else and with my boyfriend’s complete failure to stand up for me I just can’t see it that way. This trip also intersected both of our birthdays. For a long time I’ve wanted to go out with my girlfriends for my birthday and I’ve told him this. But every time he insists we should celebrate my birthday with his family and while I’m happy we are actually celebrating it I would like it to be on my terms and with my family and friends rather than just his.

    The thing that really hurts me and the reason that – despite the length of our relationship and the fact that all told it has been a good even enviable relationship – I’m thinking of leaving him is that he doesn’t seem to take me seriously. I haven’t been able to legally work due to my visa issues for awhile. Before that I had a not lucrative job but a really amazing one. It’s the sort of job you read about in thrillers or see in movies. I lost it because my visa ran out. At roughly the same time I graduated. I was excited to attend my graduation and everyone except my boyfriend made a huge deal out of it because …. it was a huge deal. I will say, my boyfriend made a gift of the hotel stay and the transportation which I do appreciate deeply, but the entire time he was saying how silly it was to have a ceremony. I wrote five hundred pages of science to get that degree. I wanted to celebrate it. That was the moment where I could turn my life around. I could use that and the job I once had to start an amazing scientific career. But all this was conditional on the legality of me working. He had long promised that we’d start planning our wedding after graduation and work visas are easier to acquire when married. I’ve heard nothing from him about marriage. He’s complained that I don’t have a job and that I need his help getting a visa, but he basically makes fun of me every time I show him what I’m doing in the interim or how I plan to salvage this. In the latest debacle we were actually separated at the border and this time he has stood up for me much more than he did the last time so that gives me some hope. But I just keep on remembering my first application how I kept on asking him for the information and materials I needed from him and he kept on just playing his video games and refusing to sit down with me for the ten minutes I needed from him. Then when I finally got it done he accused me of procrastinating. As it turned out the office in question mishandled our case and since I’ve explained that to him and since I got an actual lawyer to explain it to him he’s been more sympathetic and helpful but if he had just helped me when I first asked perhaps we could have avoided all this.

    His mom is usually much nicer than the following will imply but being his mother she’s entirely on his side. According to her I’ve been pulling away from my boyfriend since my mother’s death. I won’t rule out that my mom’s death has caused me to pull back. I loved my mother dearly and it absolutely kills me that I’ve seen more of my boyfriend’s family than her in the past five years. Certainly that could be creating some malcontent on my part. She also was somewhat dismissive of my need to work. Which is weird because she’s a feminist. I NEED to work. Not being able to work has been eroding my soul. Knowing that my career will suffer hurts me deeply. And I didn’t starve myself half to death and spend 80 hours weekly studying writing and doing lab work to sit at home and wait for my dearest hubby. But she is saying that I shouldn’t put so much stock in it because it will further separate me from her son and she seems to believe I’ll quit work once we have children. I was shocked to hear her say such things and I kinda feel the walls falling in on me. I felt trapped before – like a tiger in a cage – now I feel buried alive.

    I have a choice then. I can end my relationship, return to my home country and live my life alone or I can insist my boyfriend marries me and live my life with him. I would prefer the latter. But I cannot give up any more of myself and he and his mother seem insistent that I do. I tried to tell his mother that I’d rather be a person living alone than a phantom haunting a family, but either she did not understand what I meant or she thinks the problems with my boyfriend are simply my own problems. Some of them certainly are and where I am wrong I will change or at least try. But I’m not getting the same from my boyfriend. I want to marry because we love each other, but it feels like he might only love an uncomplicated image of me rather than me myself. If that’s the case I love him but I don’t want him.

    What do I do? Do I insist? Do I leave? Do I put my foot down? Keep in mind even though I’m angry and a bit scared here, we do have or had a good relationship. I’m representing all of our recent problems, so this hasn’t given voice to our strengths and the great things that we have done together. He does remain thoughtful and kind and he does do special things for me even now. And he does like *some* of my friends even if he doesn’t understand them. But when I see “our” future in his eyes it’s really just him with me as a satellite. And that I don’t want. I don’t seriously envision us splitting up, but I have died enough already. I have to choose now. Is there possibly a third option I can’t see? Can I find a method of getting him to understand this?? I’m bad with confrontation and I feel like we’re going to have to fight this out. He’s stubborn and does not take criticism well. If he counts our relationship in dollars spent he’s going to see me as deeply indebted to him. I have to be a person though. I’m so smart, yet this eludes me. There’s no book or research to fix this. This is an area where I need help from people who aren’t going to immediately side with me or him. His mother’s lovely but she’s his mother and she wants what he wants. My friends are great, but they’re going to fiercely defend me in all things. Please help me sort this out.

    #224193
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DefinitelynotJessicaAlba:

    It is very refreshing to me to read a post by a person able, as you are, to see the very big picture and to present it from all angles, in an objective, fair and reasonable way. Your post reads very credible, therefore, trustworthy to represent the truth of your situation.

    You wrote: “it feels like he might only love an uncomlicated image of me rather than me myself… I have to be a person”. This is the key sentence to me. I don’t think you can be content being that “satellite” you referred to. You really are a whole person, that is, you are aware, you see the big picture, therefore you cannot be content living in a small corner of the picture that you see so well.

    Another important sentence to my understanding: “he’s stubborn and does not take criticism well”- if he doesn’t take criticism that is given to him in a gentle way, that is a problem.

    Another problem: his relationships with his family, with his mother, cousins and so forth read as well established. It is not likely that he will change those. Part of his relationship with his family is that you, being a part of that family, I suppose, take on the satellite position, the one you have been experiencing for a long time.

    You wrote: “it feels like he might only love an uncomplicated image of me rather than me myself. If that’s the case I love him but I don’t want him”. Reads to me that he does love an uncomplicated image of you.

    A third option: you processing your visa in a different way, other than marrying him?

    anita

    #224387
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi DefinitelynotJessicaAlba,

    In a perfect world (which is up to you!) you tell your boyfriend man-child: “This isn’t working”. You bravely leave (if you are living together) and find a nice safe apartment with multiple nice safe roommates if need be. If you live separately you also say “This isn’t working. I am seeing other people” (and then see other people. Hint: fellow Doctors! YOUR PEERS).

    You are being treated as a the stereotypical foreigner who is with someone only for the visa. You know this isn’t true. THEY probably know this isn’t true. HOWEVER! The distinct Vibe here is that you need HIM far more than he needs you.

    You are not just Some Girl. You are a Doctor. If you marry him HE becomes MISTER doctor!

    Show them all how smart you are. Leave him until morale improves. See how fast they smarten up.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    #224391
    Inky
    Participant

    P.S. My daughter is in a PhD program herself. If she moved to, say, Europe and some guy and his friggin’ Euro-trash family treated her that way, I’d be all, “And there are no nice doctors (YOUR PEERS!) in Belgium/Italy/Sweden?”

    P.P. S. Are you sure your boyfriend man-child isn’t jealous of you and is subconsciously keeping you down so you don’t wise up and dump his sorry pedestrian azz for YOUR PEERS?

    P.P.P.S. I know YOUR PEERS can also have the potential to be abusive like all humans, but you should really be with someone who GETS IT!

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    #224399

    Hi everyone.

    Firstly, thank you for your considered responses. So far, whatever my ultimate decision is, I have decided to be firm. Weirdly, one of my boyfriend’s chief criticisms of me is that I avoid conflict and am a “pushover.” I don’t really think the latter is true, but I do try not to get into arguments. But in this case I’m going to have to get over that fear and insist on a few things from him. I actually do believe we’ll work it out.

    Secondly, I need to reiterate I do love my boyfriend and at least like most of his family. Those cousins are right now not on my happy list and that’s another thing I need to talk to him about, but for the most part they are good people. My boyfriend is not as highly educated as me but he does hold one graduate degree. There is a slight possibility that he’s jealous of my educational success, but he did turn down a place in a PhD program before he met me. He has faults and blind spots like anyone else, but I would never characterize him as stupid. PhDs in and of themselves are a bit ridiculous. They’re about the discovery of information rather than the utilization and that does not really work for his personality. I’m all about research; he’s all about application. The point is, even if I ultimately decide to leave him, and I intend to exhaust every other angle before I do, it won’t be because I don’t love him.

    His family has also been touched by tragedy. He lost his sister just before I met him. I mention this because mothers love their children unconditionally or at least should. So his mom is a lovely vivacious generous person, but he’s her last surviving child. It’s not a defect in her character that made her say the thing I’m upset about – it’s because she loves her son and although I think she loves me as well and she has used exactly those words, I am not *her* child. He’s slowly getting spoiled by all this not because anyone’s rude, or uneducated, or mean, or jealous, but because they all want what they think will make him happiest. Unfortunately, that makes my negotiation of my place in all this rather difficult. If I’m going to marry this guy he needs to put me first and consider me his closest relative. He can disagree with me on things and we do from time to time, but I need a way to exist in his family where they look at me as his equal in all things. Given what they’ve been through I am actually asking a lot. I need it, and I won’t settle for less, but their ability or not to meet that requirement is not a fault of their character. That said …. still really angry with those cousins of his.

    I’m in a tough situation here and it is emotionally draining and difficult to express without bias, so I need to reiterate that this is not an abusive relationship. My boyfriend before he met me was hoping to play the field and I told him within a week of our first date that while he was dating me he couldn’t date anyone else. He has never violated my trust. Guys before him asked me to quit school for them, but he never has. At no point has he coerced me into sex or anything else. He’s never threatened me or – aside from the bs with the cousins – belittled or embarrassed me. I know what an abusive relationship looks like and this is not one. We are having difficulties and I need to either negotiate for what I’m truly worth or walk. But we are in love and we do have a good history. If I leave it will be for my own development and my own self, not because I didn’t love him or felt that he was intentionally hurting me.

    #224405
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DefinitelynotJessicaAlba:

    I understand and did not suggest to you in my first of these two replies any of the following things you mentioned in your recent post: that you don’t love him, that he is stupid or uneducated, that he is jealous of you, that he is a bad person, that his family are bad people, that you are in an abusive relationship, that your boyfriend coerced you into sex or threatened you in any way, or belittled or embarrassed you. None of these things.

    What I did suggest to you is that his relationships with his family members are well established, that within these relationships seems like you are in that satellite position you mentioned; that him being stubborn and not taking criticism well is not promissing and that I agree with you that it does seem that he loves an uncomplicated image of you

    You are very clear: “If I’m going to marry this guy he needs to put me first and consider me his closest relative… I need a way to exist in his family where they look at me as his equal in all things”.

    The clarity you have will be helpful in making this happen and I hope it will happen.

    anita

     

    #224419
    Michelle
    Participant

    There’s often more to a relationship than love. Respect and trust form a triangle with it that needs to be met for a successful union. After reading your posts, I don’t feel like all three of these are equal in your situation.

    #224441
    Mark
    Participant

    DefinitelynotJessicaAlba,

    This is what I gleaned from your first posting:
    …he’s not nearly as present and involved as he used to be.
    …he’ll cancel those without telling me and then say it was because I didn’t want to go.
    …asked him to wake me up so I can cook for him and he won’t do it.
    …always his family never mine and it’s always where he wants to go and what he wants to do.
    …It was like pulling teeth to get him to let me see my grandmother and cousins and he made it completely clear he didn’t want to be there.
    …accused me of being recalcitrant.
    …walked away and left me there alone.
    …boyfriend’s complete failure to stand up for me
    …saying how silly it was to have a ceremony.
    …basically makes fun of me every time I show him what I’m doing in the interim or how I plan to salvage this.
    …refusing to sit down with me for the ten minutes I needed from him
    I feel buried alive.
    ….cannot give up any more of myself and he and his mother seem insistent that I do.
    I have died enough already.
    …does not take criticism well.
    I have to be a person though.

    My take what are “little” things make up a relationship.  They add up.  They pray on your self esteem, your joy, your happiness, your energy.

    Your remarks are telling “I have died enough already.”  How you characterized your boyfriend is someone who really does not love you as you need to be loved.

    I do not see consideration or respect from him to you.

    If I’m going to marry this guy he needs to put me first 

    From all what you said about his and his family, that ain’t gonna happen.  Good luck with that.  There is no motivation for him to change.

    I am a firm believer in “what you see is what you get.”  You don’t marry someone with the hopes that they will change.  This will only get worse rather then better.

    Mark

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