I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and three months. After 9 months we moved in together. I was very hesitant about this but since my current roommate was moving to another state and his roommate decided to move out at the same exact time, I took it as a synchronicity and a sign that we should move in together. He works 55 hours a week every week and we have no time together. I feel distant from him emotionally, physically and spiritually. We feel like roommates. He also shuts out all forms of intimacy physical and emotional. He will laugh or fidget nervously if the topic gets too emotional or serious. He has actually fallen asleep on me while I am pouring my heart out to him; it doesn’t matter if I am talking about my dreams, my work, relationship issues, etc. I try to get him to talk to me about his stuff but he says everything is fine. So now I really don’t talk to him about those things and keep the subject light. I feel like I am emotionally cheating on him because I connect well with other people and disclose more of myself to others than him. It is a very strange relationship and I know there is a lot wrong but can’t seem to pinpoint it. He actually wants marriage and children and I want these things but not with him in his current state. I wouldn’t want the father of my children to be physically present but not truly engaged with his children. He is very satisfied with having a superficial, on the surface relationship. I want a deeper relationship with a good connection. We can’t even share a conversation anymore because we converse like strangers; ‘So what did you have for lunch today?”. Sooooo boring. From the outside we look like the perfect couple but I am just not feeling it. Things aren’t hostile. He is conflict free. He is a really nice and sweet guy. He is pretty goofy and highly lovable. But sometimes just a big kid. He really needs to do some internal growth. But just no connection. I know something is wrong but I don’t know what. Here are my perceptions:

On his end:
-He has ED issues since the very first time he has had sex when he was 16. He had a girlfriend at 18, which lasted for two years. She was a bipolar stripper and according to him there was no real connection there. Then he was single until he met me at 24. We went to a counselor who deemed his ED issue psychological.
-Both parents were alcoholics and let him do whatever he wanted. According to him even though they were addicts, he had a good upbringing. His sister who has been in and out of jail and in and out of rehab would beg to differ.
-His mother died of alcoholism February of 2012. He had a younger sister who died from SIDS as an infant and he says his mother could never get over it so drank herself to death. We met June of 2012.
-He is very passive. Never states his needs. He always does a lot for others. His friends boss him around from time to time.
-Although his grandparents offered to pay for his college, he won’ pursue a degree in IT. He claims it’s his passion but won’t go for it. He actually won’t go for much of what he wants. He complains about working at a pizza restaurant but won’t do anything substantial to change his circumstances.
-He also claims he wants to be close to me but doesn’t know how. He doesn’t ever seem to know what he wants, feels, thinks, etc. He changes them depending on what he thinks I want to hear. So I feel like I don’t truly know him.
-I conclude he has severe fear of intimacy not just physical but intimacy at all levels. He distances people emotionally. He is nice and conflict free, which prevents people from investigating into him further.

On my end
– I have trust issues (not that my partner will cheat) and a fear of intimacy too. I have issues trusting that others won’t hurt me, manipulate me, judge me etc, once I open up to them.
-I have a hard time feeling vulnerable. However, I learned this really messed up past relationships so I have been very vulnerable in this relationship, which has resulted in lots of hurt. I finally open up and he shuts me out or falls asleep. Men in the past would beg to get to know more than just my body. Now I feel stupid because I finally decided to take a leap of courage, open up my heart and his emotional distance feels like rejection. At the same time I feel brave, the only reason I am opening my heart up to him is because I could finally open it up to myself.
-I struggle with feelings of shame and guilt regarding sexuality. I feel bad for wanting sex. The lack of physical intimacy has me wanting sex, then I go into feelings of shame and guilt. I suppress my sexual desires but then become frustrated or depressed. I have been feeling depressed about the lack of connection, I realized that I was feeling so hurt and down by it because I subconsciously felt I didn’t deserve love or connection. So this relationship served as “proof” of that belief. Had I been more centered, I could have just said, “OK, I am not getting the connection I want and deserve so I am moving on and wishing you well”. However, I just internalized all of this, made it out to mean I am unworthy and caused unnecessary suffering.
– I don’t like myself in this relationship. I have become so bossy and demanding. Bossy because he is sooooo passive and indecisive and people pleasing. I hate being bossy. I don’t like it. He seems to like it though. His friends are bossy with him too. Everyone just seems to tell him what to do. I have become demanding because my needs aren’t being met and this also makes me feel needy. I have become so critical of his every move. Wow! I never thought I would be the naggy, bitchy wife type person. Yuck!
– I feel unattractive. I find myself telling him about male co-workers who take me to lunch, bring me chocolates, men who ask me out on dates, guys I connect with emotionally, etc. I even told him about a mutual friend who confessed that he wanted to sleep with me, it was pretty obvious anyways. I distanced myself from this person. I have never been unfaithful nor do I plan too. I am so fixated on him. I get a lot of male attention and I just brush it off because it means nothing to me if it isn’t coming from him. I point it all out to him as a way of saying “you see I am wanted, I am worthy, I am valuable, look other people desire me”. However, when I catch myself doing this, I feel ashamed and like I have such low self esteem.
-For the most part, I am very caring and nurturing of him. Sometimes I feel like a mother to him. I don’t mind supporting my partner but I want it to be mutual. I feel like I am coddling him at times. When I think of leaving, I feel like I can’t because I begin to think who is going to take care of him. He has told him he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. I left him alone for a couple of days. The house was a mess, he feed himself on junk food (real junk food like Twizzlers), wore swim trunks the whole time. I know he just needs to take care of himself and I just need to take care of me.

To sum it up (sorry for the long post), I don’t know to leave or stay. I am scared of leaving because I don’t want to make the wrong decision. I know that I have relationships issues of my own and want to make sure that I am not just running away. I also don’t want to hurt him and know that he has already gone through alot with the loss of his mother. Furthermore, all of my relationships have been like this and I am afraid of making the same ill choices in the future. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am staying because if we do connect, then it would prove that I am worthy of connection. What if I am not strong enough to make a mature decision? I don’t want to be desperate. I am almost afraid of a relationship working out too. Also I have begin the process of healing from sexual abuse which has been very difficult. I am scared to leave at this time because I don’t want to be alone. However, I don’t feel like I am being supported. If anything I feel terribly isolated. The lack of emotional connection and our sexual issues just makes the pain from the past hurt a more. Him being emotionally unavailable just brings a lot of old feelings to the surface. In a way this was good because it made me see where I was hurting and what needed healing. I tried to remain mature about it by evaluating myself and realizing what pain is from the past and what pain is from now. But I feel like it is enough pain and just want to connect with someone. I know the connection needs to start with connecting to myself first. What should I do?

• This topic was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Zenhen.