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Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay…

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  • September 3, 2013 at 5:44 pm #41660
    HaveLipsWillSmile
    Participant

    Hello all

    I’ve been absent from the site for over a week now… I wanted to take some time to collate the information I’ve learnt from you wonderful people and choose the parts I was going to work on first. I was feeling a little overwhelmed by the wealth of knowledge and the various topics and avenues I could explore.

    I had a really good 10 days (ending about a week ago) where I was feeling much more positive, I’d learnt to shut off negative thoughts in my head, I’ve been meditating every day and I was projecting this openness that people actually commenting on. Then when my husband got home (he works away for a week at a time, then he’s home for a week), I found it really hard to keep up my positivity. I’m putting that down to the fact that he isn’t practicing the same methods of mindfulness I was. I want him to be free of negativity like I had experienced but it’s really hard not to ‘preach’ my new learnings to him and have him want to learn himself. Anyways, he made it difficult for me to maintain my positivity and I’m feeling a bit down again.

    Being back in this less-than-positive headspace has brought back a resurgence of an ongoing issue I’ve had for many, many years. Basically, the thing that gets me down the most is that I just don’t think I am meant to be with my husband anymore. We have been together for 8 and a half years, married for 14 months and I have spent the last 6 years wondering if we were meant to be together. He was my first serious relationship and I found it difficult to end it in the early stages and as time went on, it just got harder and I got myself in deeper, culminating in us being married last year.

    I love him very much, he is my best friend but I am not ‘in love’ with him. When I think about my life without him in it, it really scares me. I think about what people will think about me if we separated (especially his family – he has 2 sisters and a mum who are very opinionated). I think about all the secondary relationships I would lose if we separated, our friends, his family. My whole life would be turned upside down. It just seems easier at this point, to stay in a less than ideal relationship to maintain the life that I am familiar with and otherwise love.

    I think about the practical side of things too like, he owns the house we live in (it’s not in my name for banking reasons) and I wonder what would happen with our living arrangements. Would we still share the same house? And what would happen with our finances? We have debts in both names… I just don’t want it to get messy.

    And I think above all, I don’t want to hurt him. He’s a lovely guy, and I don’t know how he would handle it if we did separate. I think he may lean towards getitng nasty to make me feel the same hurt he would feel?

    I was hoping my newfound posivitiy would help me to learn to fall in love with my husband again and make the most of our otherwise wonderful life but it appears these feelings are still there, emerging when I don’t feel 100% positive anymore.

    I have never, ever told anyone about this – not even the therapists I have seen in the past, mainly because I don’t think I wanted to acknowledge these feelings but I have been thinking about it non-stop and I just need to get it out.

    September 3, 2013 at 6:32 pm #41680
    Alexey Sunly
    Participant

    Here is the thing, when you have your things under control, your feelings do not matter. Why? Because your feeling are under control, and you pursue a course of actions that satisfy both your needs and your desire to lead a great life. Your feelings in this particular instance have nothing to do with your relationship with your husband, but your relationship with yourself. You are growing, because of your thirst for change, and he is not, because he is satisfied with how things are right now. Accept the fact that you are not yet in a position to inspire the same desire for growth in him as the one that is driving you right now, and move on. Yes, it’s going to be difficult, but it does not mean that you need to divorce your husband or leave him, necessarily.

    September 3, 2013 at 6:34 pm #41681
    Matt
    Participant

    HLWS,

    I can understand the difficulty of recognizing you’re in a much different place than your husband. Consider that when we first begin to develop self love, it is like a gentle flame that easily whisks out at a slight breeze. When we continue working on ourselves anyway, that flame comes back. The more consistently we meditate, self nurture, smile in the mirror and so on, the stronger that flame becomes.

    My teacher said that the journey is a practice. It is like muscle building, where on the cushion we find peace, and as we get off the cushion… well that’s when the practice really begins. At first it is only for a few breaths, then a few minutes, then hours. Be patient with yourself, it takes time to grow the garden you’re tending.

    The reason I lay that foundation first, is because the husband carries with him karma. Both in his actions in the present moment, such as outbursts and ignorance and so forth, but also in your mind. The previous moments you’ve had with him are like a gravity, like a routine. When he is there, so is the routine. At this early of a growth, when the tender shoots of compassion are just breaking the surface, it is difficult to say what is him and what is you. His “negativity” might be pulling you in, or it might be your unskillful habits of responding to his energy. Either way, diving into the “what if”s and “what should I do”s right now isn’t good. Consider trying to relate to “what is here”. What about the exchange is closing your heart? Are you afraid to pour your love toward him? Is he saying things that step on your courage? Is he disinterested?

    Consider that as we open our hearts, the light it sheds naturally helps those we love begin to blossom as well. Said differently, once your compassion deepens, you can look into his eyes, and through them, and then potentially present to him a loving call which will lead him home to you. This won’t happen if you’re trying to manipulate him into growing so you are more happy… it happens when your happiness is so abundant it pours. It takes time, though, and with time will come more courage.

    That being said, intimacy does not need to be an endurance trial. If your heart doesn’t wish to connect, that’s fine too… its your journey, and your path to joy is between you and your heart. Just be patient with your own growth, because often when we have the strength and courage to open up to our partners, they open back, and the fruits of that are worth the wait.

    Consider also that we can share our experiences without telling others what to do. “I did this, and felt so great.” Rather than “I did this, and you should too so we can fix you.” Growth happens from the sharing of love and light, not trying to pull a flower open. That just leaves petals on the ground, and the potential shredded. Namaste, I hope you find a deepening of wisdom, light, and love.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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