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Too needy in my relationship

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  • #213491
    Sophia
    Participant

    I’ve become too needy in my relationship and I am starting to scare myself, sometimes.

    I have a wonderful boyfriend who I’ve been with for just over a year and will soon be moving in with. I met him in the City that I used to live in and when I moved away, just over 18 months ago, we stayed in contact and have been in a long distance relationship ever since. We see each other roughly once a fortnight, sometimes more. He’s amazing – intelligent, funny, a wide range of interests and very sociable. I couldn’t believe it when it turned out that he liked me too! He’s very committed to our relationship and I have no doubt that he loves me as much as I love him.

    My problem is that I have very low self-esteem and find it impossible to believe that someone like him would want to be with someone like me – even after all this time, which I know is ridiculous. Whereas he’s also very sociable, I’m naturally an introvert and haven’t met many people since I moved to this new place (partly because I travel back down to see my partner most weekends) so find that sometimes when he’s off doing other things with friends I’m left twiddling my thumbs.

    This is where I start to scare myself. When my boyfriend goes out, he has a policy of not texting or using his phone when he’s with other people. This is completely fair enough, and I know it is. He has a life, he’s entitled to space and to spend his time enjoying the company of other people.  When I go out, he extends the same courtesy to me and doesn’t text me/expect me to text. I know all of this, but …sometimes, I find that if he hasn’t text me for a few hours I start feeling really anxious and grumpy about it.

    I try not to text him while he’s out, but there have been a couple of occasions where my emotions have overcome me and after he’s returned I’ve told him that I am not happy about him going out and dropping out of contact completely. I KNOW that this is unfair and I know that there is absolutely no reason/nothing that he is doing to make me feel this way. It’s not so much a romantic jealousy thing – I trust him completely. So, I don’t know why I’m like it, and I need to stop before and incident like this happens again and incurs permanent damage to our relationship.

    I know this is all my issue, because I don’t believe in myself enough to know that someone loves me and wants to be with me. I just need to learn to fill my time with more ‘me’ things so that I feel like I need him less and am more secure in myself.

    I know it all has to come from within – I need to start working to make sure that I feel good about myself – so that I feel like I don’t need or depend on anyway – and then I can make sure that I do put any unfair pressure on my partner and our relationship.

    What kind of techniques can I employ to do this? How can I be less needy? This is the only thing we ever fall out about – we’re a great couple other wise and very rarely have any other disagreements or arguments, when we do we’re good at communicating our feelings on things.

    Thanks,

    Sophie

    #213575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sophie:

    I read your posts over the last few years and my feel is that your boyfriend is very fortunate to have you as his girlfriend and to soon be moving in with you. I feel/ think this way because you are very aware of your own behavior, quick to examine your behavior and figure how to correct it. (He would have been unfortunate if you were one of the many people who are quick to blame others and to not examine themselves).

    He is also fortunate to have a girlfriend who is reasonable, sensible, logical. You have a history of anxiety and you may be too needy at times but you are generally turn to logic and let logic guide you.

    You asked what techniques you can employ to be less needy: to act less needy, that is, to not complain to him about his no texting/calling policy when out with friends (a policy you agree with, logically), focus on your behavior, that is, regardless of how you feel, do not text or call him while he is out and do not complain to him when he is back from his outing. To feel better, re-read your own original post here. Re- read this sentence: “He’s very committed to our relationship and I have no doubt that he loves me as much as I love him”, and this one: “I trust him completely”. Repeat these sentences to yourself and relax into them. Take deep breaths and take in your own words slowly.

    If you want to examine the issue further, you can list the thoughts you have when anxious, the thoughts that go with your anxiety. You can do so in your next post, if you wish. I will reply then.

    anita

     

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