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Touch decision on breakup

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 8 months ago.

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  • #202533

    BlessedInThe603
    Participant

    OK so, I will keep this as brief as possible. My girlfriend and I have broken up after 3 1/2 years of being together. Her and my children had a hard time getting along. She also from time to time would have anger issues and was very possessive with our time. On the weekends she would get upset if I would visit my grandchildren or if I would participate in any of my hobbies.  As far she was concerned I was to do these things on my time. What was my time? Generally this was only one day per month that these items would take time. She would frequently cut down my children and a couple of my family members which was probably the biggest thing they wore me down. After a episode of this around Christmas I finally had enough and I broke off the relationship. I actually had a spell of time where I felt relief that I no longer had to be treated that way, being a guy it’s kind of embarrassing but I felt very emotionally beat down if that makes sense. After a couple months I started to forget the bad times and did miss her. We ended up re-connecting again but after about a week the same problems came up again, so I ended the relationship again. Now here We are a month later and I still think of her daily and I hurt because I am not with her. She was my best friend for 3 1/2 years, we shared a lot of great memories and we had a great connection. It’s just that the downside really started to weigh in on how I felt. So here I am today with my dilemma, I’m not sure whether I should try and get her back in hopes that she will understand how I feel? Or should I just continue to let it die. To be honest I’m not even sure she’ll talk to me again anyway as she was pretty upset when I broke it off.

    #202549

    Mark
    Participant

    BlessedInThe603,

    What best friend would be so controlling?  She is selfish and does not want you to spend time with your family.  If that is the person you want to get back together in a close, romantic relationship then do so with your eyes wide open.  Otherwise you can reconnect with her as a friend, which means each of you have your own life and not enmeshed/intertwined with family and  not in a romantic/sexual way.

    Mark

    #202595

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Blessedinthe603,

    You may be missing the idea of her, or you may be lonely, as you stated she was your best friend, and you are missing that aspect. As far as a romantic relationship, I don’t see things changing. You can’t fix her, only she can do this. You can get back with her over and over again out of missing her, but it would only prolong things, because it would not make her change, and you would end up where you started, frustrated and resentful.

    Maybe after some time passes, you can have a friendship with her, but I don’t think she is ready to be in a committed long term relationship without quality therapy as there are definitely some issues she needs to resolve. If she is not happy with herself or her life, she will make blame others and make them miserable and this needs to be explored in therapy, mood disorder.

    • This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Eliana.
    • This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Eliana.
    • This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Eliana.
    #202619

    anita
    Participant

    Dear BlessedInThe603:

    Throughout your relationship with her, did she ever take responsibility for her jealousy, telling you that it is her problem, her issue, not yours?

    For example, did she ever express to you something like: there is nothing wrong with you visiting your grandchildren. I feel jealousy about it, but there is nothing wrong with you wanting to visit your grandchildren, nothing wrong with you visiting them.

    Or did she accuse you for being in the wrong, feeling her jealousy and possession are right, justified?

    anita

    #202743

    BlessedInThe603
    Participant

    No she never did,  she felt they should be doing that on my time. I never figured out what my time was. She had her grandson generally two nights during the week while her daughter was in school. I was not able to see my grandkids during the week.   She used to expect me to spend time with them on the nights that they were together. We would ride bicycles or go out to eat.  I don’t think she ever understood that was a problem.

    #202745

    BlessedInThe603
    Participant

    Thank you Mark and Eliana and Anita for the comments,  Direct into the point I really like that thank you!  Some of which I really did not want to hear or believe but it’s good to see it in writing.  This is some really great food for thought.  I guess I need to learn how to detach and forget her. It’s just really tough  for some reason I think of her daily even sometimes wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her.  And yes Eliana  telling me I can’t fixture really get home.  I am one of those people who tries to “fix everything”  when my kids were young they used used to say dad fixes everything. I have had a few other people lately tell me that I can’t fix everything even though I try.

    #202773

    anita
    Participant

    Dear BlessedInThe603:

    You are welcome. How can you possibly fix her, how could you possibly fix her, when she believed the broken part was you, that you needed to fix your problem which she defined as visiting your grandchildren on… her time.

    When a person owns an emotional problem and is greatly motivated to heal, to change, it is still a very difficult process, long and difficult. When a person (your ex girlfriend) does not own an emotional problem, a healing process is not even a consideration on the person’s mind. No chance of healing, no chance of fixing.

    anita

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