So Guys, this is a long one, so sorry.

I am one week away from the anniversary of my Heart Attack, whilst on a cruise with my 14 year old boy.  This was the 2nd tough event of the year, the 3rd was to split from my girlfriend of 4 years.

So here goes.  I was with a beautiful Indian Lady that I met on a dating site, we lived 70 miles away but the distance wasn’t an issue at first as she was going through a really horrible divorce (my first mistake, my gut said walk, my heart said give her a chance).  She initially told me that she was living in an apartment near to her mum and dads so visiting her would be an issue as culturally it wasn’t the done thing.  When we went out for meals, she would be like a rabbit in the headlights and constantly looking over her shoulder in fear of seeing her ex-husband who used to beat her, cheat on her and humiliate her and the kids in public.

My gut feeling from very early on was that this guy would never let her go.

It became clear as our relationship developed that she was living with her parents and not on her own.  I sort of understood why she couldn’t be upfront about her arrangements at first as this is a big thing for an Indian woman.  The death of her marriage was when she had an affair, yet her ex had 100’s.  She was the proverbial whore in her cultures eyes.

Her ex wanted a clean break, they had 2 kids and shared custody.  Even though the ex wanted a clean break he’d be calling, texting and badgering her, her parents and their kids.  After the divorce, we chose a house together, I moved jobs to allow us to spend more time together, I met her entire family, even attending her brothers wedding.  I had fallen hook, line and sinker for her.

I knew that I would have to make the larger compromises for us to be together, I was seeing my son twice every week and this would reduce to twice every fortnight, yet I’d have him school holidays.  My hear was set on a family unit.  Yet there was always this nagging feeling that stuck in my head.  What will she be like if there was a major issue back home or if I was ill, would she be willing to compromise some of the cultural stuff to support me or my family as I was doing for her.

This brings us to January 2016, even before than, we’d had some on and off situations where she had shown our relationship what I felt to be disrespect and I would walk away for a period hurt and upset at some of the stuff that went on.  Most notably every Christmas, the arrangements would change, in 4 years we spent only half a day with my family.  The rest revolved around my ex’s family or her kids alone, their father would state what was happening and that was it.  Or one family wedding that I wasn’t allowed to attend as we were not married.  I’d said for her to stay at her parents and she was insistent on coming back to our house so I stayed up waiting for her to make sure she got home ok.  My son was staying with us for the first time that weekend also.  I get a text at midnight to say “Staying at Mums, Speak tomorrow x”.  Personally, I think our relationship was worth more than that.

So back to January last year.  During the Christmas break, it became apparent that my Dad was really ill and getting worse.  After having tests, he was diagnosed with Lung Cancer.  I’d already said to my ex that I think that this Christmas would be my dads last one.  It was a gut feeling I had.  So with the tests looming and also approaching Dads 65th Birthday, we arranged a family meal for everyone.  I asked my ex thinking it wouldn’t be a problem as the date was done to work along side her work diary.  I asked her to ask her kids if they’d like to attend.  By this time, we knew Dad was terminal.  Her response was, we aren’t coming, I’m working that weekend as I want to spend quality time with my kids and I’ve taken 2 days off in the week.  Now that would have been fine had the kids been off of school, they weren’t so she’d have been taking them to school, I’d have picked them up as I worked in that area.  So in effect she shunned my Dads last ever birthday with us.  She apologised and explained that she wasn’t thinking.

Dad was on chemo and approaching fathers day (his last) I made the suggestion that we go to my ex’s in the morning and drive to mine in the afternoon so that we could spend time with my dad and my son.  On that same day, her cousin was getting engaged, the day before her sister was also getting engaged.  I’d said well let’s go to your sisters engagement and make our apologies to your cousin.  This was met with mmmms and ahhs and she said she’d speak to them.  The Friday before Fathers Day, my dad was rushed in to hospital as he was bleeding excessively from his mouth due to the chemo.  It was decided that he had to come off the treatment, meaning he was now end of life and had a couple of months to live.  If the boot was on the other foot, I’d have been my my ex’s side in a shot.  No question as I knew what coming of chemo meant.  My ex went to both parties and spent no time with us at all.  I messaged her on the Sunday having not heard from her saying, marevellous, you just bother about your family and I’ll bother about mine.  This being sarcastic as I’d heard hardly anything on the Saturday, her sisters engagement and one good morning message on father day.

In addition to this, we’d discussed a family holiday, that I would pay for the 5 of us.  However, her ex planted the seed that he and his new wife were too busy to take their kids anywhere so could she take them and he would pay for all of them.  However, if me and my son went, the bill was on us  and he wouldn’t contribute.  I was fine with paying.  However, the dates that we had said we would book were 8 weeks away from when dad came of chemo.  So again, I tried to be reasonable and suggest we put our holiday back 6 weeks until the next school holiday.  we were looking to go to Dubai so the weather wouldn’t have been an issue.  I’d already explained to my son what was happening.  I asked my ex to speak to her kids and explain.  However, the response she told me was that the kids didn’t see us as family and they want quality time with their mum.  Again as a parent, if my lad had said that, I’d have been horrified and would have explained that my ex had supported us through a tough period and it was out turn to support them, the holiday could wait for a little while.  So, the day after my dad died, off they went to Duabi.  My ex did come up to be with me after my dad had died though.  However, the whole week of him being in hospital we fought as she took her ex’s money and booked the holiday which really made me angry..  She wanted to come and say goodbye to dad and I wouldn’t let her (a mistake on my part as I should have been the bigger person).

I can promise you that if this was the other way around, I’d be going nowhere.

So, October last year, I am on a Cruise with my son and I decide to have a heart attack.  I’m dropped off in France and have to have a stent.  My mum and ex-wife came over to France, my ex-wife took our son home and my mum stayed with my until I was fit to fly home.  I explained to my ex that on my return home that I wouldn’t be able to drive and that could she take some time off.  She told me that she would sort it out.  I got home on Friday, not once was I asked what time I was landing (if it was me, I’d have been at the airport waiting for her).  I called her after she had finished work to see if she had sorted something out and she said she’d come up on Sunday and that she was going out with friends that evening.  As you can imagine, I went mad again and walked.

We did get back together again.  Probably because I wasn’t in a good place at all what with losing my dad and having the HA, I wasn’t emotionally strong enough to leave.  However, as time went on, I couldn’t stand to be near her, I’d never been hurt or treated like that ever by anyone.  I’ve not been an angel and I have made mistakes big ones in this relationship but not to that extent.

I initially thought I was expecting too much.  She told me it was difficult for her and that she didn’t understand.  Earlier this year I decided to call it a day as I was just so full of anger towards her.  Lots of that anger was caused by grief but there was some that was from the choices she made.  I said some awful, awful things to her in an email, some home truths and warnings I’d had from her closest brother who’d said to look after myself with her.  I regret this email but I was consumed with anger and hate for her at the time.

I’ve been going along great for 6 months, I’ve met a lovely lady now who I care for deeply and we are falling in love.  There is no baggage of ex’s, it’s quite mundane to be honest but it’s lovely.  However, I got stuck in traffic last week and 2 cars away, there she was.  She then came up as a friend suggestion on Social Media (something she’s never done) and then last weekend, my cousin sent me a picture of my ex on a dating website at the and it’s hit me like a bolt, all of a sudden, I miss her and see her in a different light, the way I saw her when we met.  Her pictures have her smiling but her eyes are full of saddness,  I’ve seen her happy pictures and can see the difference.  I also see the whole of last year differently, I see the cultural challenges she faced, I feel her ex manipulated a situation to cause trouble for her (he took the kids away for a week the day after my ex got back from Dubai with them).  I miss what we had for the first few years.  However, it’s true what they say, you don’t really know someone until you spend real time with them.

I also see where I failed as a man.  I stopped being the man she could lean on and who would keep her away from the rocks to someone who pushed her towards them.  So no doubt,, she saw me totally differently too.

Even as I’ve written this I’ve gone through every range of emotion possible and it’s helped me see that it wasn’t a good realtionship.  Yet why then do I still get this feeling of wanting to be with her, holding her, protecting her and being the rock for her kids whom I miss so much?

I know, I am in a better position now but these feelings have come from nowhere and I’m having to hide them when I speak to my new lady who is amazing.

Thanks for reading.