Hi grace,

The good news is there are 7 billion people on the planet. At least some of them would be likely friends for you. Meaning these toxic frienemies will be diluted in the greater goodness you would receive from humanity. You just have to make a CHOICE. Hint: it is better to be alone than to be with people who make you feel bad.

Choose Good People,

Inky

Dear grace:

Once they repeatedly laughed about you (“constantly laughing about my insecurities… kept laughing about me when knew it hurt”), they were not your friends, not the way I define friends.

You then talked behind their backs (“I talked behind them”).

It was wrong of them to laugh at you. On the other hand, the fact that you talked about them behind their back is not necessarily wrong. Let’s say you warned the next person about the individuals who repeatedly and cruelly laughed at you, so they have the opportunity to not get hurt, that is a good thing.

You wrote that you feel bad because you “did things wrong, I’m not perfect”- we all did and do wrong things and we all are not perfect. My policy: do no harm to others, best I can and protect myself from harm by others, best I can. This means ending harmful relationships, and seeing that I am respectful and assertive in my communications with others. Respectful and truthful, at the same time.

anita

* Dear Shreya:

I like the way you phrased it, that healthy relationships are about telling and receiving No gracefully.

What I see in the way I was and the way people are is that most people are a combination of acting passively and aggressively, sometimes passive, other times aggressive; when aggressive, either overtly aggressive or covertly aggressive (“passive aggressive”), but hardly ever assertive. It is so because acting assertively is a skill that needs to be taught to children, and when not taught, it is a skill that still needs to be learned.

anita

* Dear Shreya:

An excellent testimony to the need, in some circumstances, to be prepared for all possible outcomes before confronting a person assertively. I still feel uncomfortable at times asserting myself with a person who is not confrontational and even motivated to please me. I have to remind myself that the discomfort I feel, that fear of punishment, is an early experience activated, that of being punished for stating something I wanted.

anita