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Toxic Future Sister-In-Law

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  • #210059
    LinLin
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I need some advice here.

    I am dealing with a highly toxic “future” sister-in-law. My man and I are not engaged or married as of now, but we plan to. She is literally the most poisonous, toxic, selfish, demanding, attention-seeking, demeaning person I’ve ever met. I have never done a single thing to this person let me point out. A bit of a background, she has an issue with almost every person in her life minus her husband and her parents. Every single other person she has encountered she has created drama from. My man even warned me about her when we first began dating to be cautious near her because she loves to create drama for no reason, she can be mean with her words, demanding, selfish and flat out rude. Turns out he is even more true than I ever imagined.

    When I first met her, she was fine with me. Not too personal or friendly but at least neutral, “hi how are you, etc” …that type of talk. Then near the end of last year, she came to my man and I to discuss her bad behavior toward us lately. And how she had been cruel, ignoring us when we went over to her place, avoided any eye-contact, and flat out being rude with her comments. She admitted to that, which was nice. But nothing changed since, it actually got worse. She treats my man and I horribly when we go see her and her husband (my mans brother). We both feel very un-welcomed when we go there, but we go to remain neutral with the family and I go so my man can continue seeing his brother and his nephew. But it’s getting harder and harder to go. She is very passive agressive specifially with me. She told me when she came over last year, to my face, she told me “I do not like you because I do not know what kind of things you hear about me from Craig (my man’s) parents.” (More of a back story, she has issues with her husbands parents because they and her family had a dramatic background involving a lot of lying on her part- more passive agressiveness that got out of control one time in the past before i was around) so she does not know what they and Craig tell me about her. So she flat out told me she does not like me because she does not know what I know about her. Pretty pathetic reason. She also told both Craig and I, “I am going to continue treating you both this way, because I dont know what you both know about me”. So she has then admitted to continuing to treat us badly for no good reason. We both have NEVER done a single thing purposly or intentionally to hurt her. Yet she has put the breaks on and demands we see her as a victim. She has low self-esteem obviously.

    So anyways, recently someone in her family passed away. I, being aware that she does not care for me, still gave my condolences a few days after the passing as I had planned to do just to keep the peace. So, she replies to me in a huge rant about how inconsiderate it was of me to wait a day to give my condolences to her. Then she went on about how I do not treat her well after she came by that day last year and how rude I am. It was about 5 paragraphs of what a shitty person I am. When really, I did nothing wrong to her. I simply waited a few days to give my condolences. She could have just said thank you and moved along but she decided to start a fight and tried to make me feel bad. Which she didnt.

    So my question is, because I cannot completely ignore her or make her dissapear from my life, how do you handle a super intense, passive agressive, rude, selfish person like her…for the rest of my life? What can I do to NOT let her get to me or get under my skin?

    Any suggestions would help…

     

    Thanks everyone,

    #210169
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LinLin:

    Minimizing contact with her is all I can think as a best possible solution: initiate nothing and go as far as not visiting her home at all and not inviting her to your home. Better not try to reach out to her again for any reason.

    anita

    #210745
    Mary
    Participant

    My mother used to say “I’ve learned much since then & my story bears telling”.  I’ve had a toxic SIL and a couple of other toxic people in my life.  What I’ve learned is that the reaction your future SIL gave you is all about HER.  There is something deep seated in her that makes her lash out at everyone she comes in contact with.  I’ve found the best way to handle these people is to take a deep breath, not react, and try and look at her with compassion – that she is so miserable with her self and her life that she tries to make everyone around her miserable too.  If you can step back from it and not take is personally, understanding that SHE is the problem – not you, see her as a wounded human being deserving of compassion, it will help.  That and keeping your distance as much as possible.

    #211341
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I know what you’re going through.. I’ve been through something similar..

    Just forget that she exists.. the more reaction you give to such people the more you fuel them..

    Just leave her alone and you carry on with your life..

    #270265
    Sarah
    Participant

    Oh raising my hand here also.  Mine too.  I’ve known her a decade.  Its getting worse, and everyone caters to it.  You have to keep your distance (but in a civil understated way so as not to draw unwanted attention to your withdrawal from the scenes that she will make).  Remember, it’s not you.  You need to stay the course, don’t get drawn in, and get away from any red flags that arise during the course of a visit.  The worst is when you see it and others don’t and all cater to it and rush around it. UGH!

     

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