Dear Elizabeth:

I revisited your original post this morning, and once again, I’m struck by how thoughtfully and rationally you recount events and emotions. You demonstrate such a deep understanding of your feelings, needs, and limitations— clear hallmarks of self-awareness. Despite the frustrations you’ve faced, you don’t let them cloud your perspective. Instead, you thoughtfully acknowledge others’ viewpoints, even when they hurt or challenge you, like your husband’s denial about his family or his defensiveness. This level of balance and emotional strength truly stands out.

I imagine that the decades of psychotherapy you mentioned have played a role in cultivating these strengths, and it’s clear how deeply you care about preserving both your well-being and your relationships.

That said, I can hear how difficult and exhausting it must feel if your husband remains dismissive or critical (“I don’t want to spend the last couple of decades of my life hearing about this”) even when you’ve expressed your feelings with kindness and honesty. You’ve already done so much to balance your own needs while maintaining your marriage, and I hope you give yourself credit for all the effort you’ve put into this.

You mentioned being worried about a rift in your marriage, and I wonder— what does that look like for you? Is it the fear of ongoing tension, repeated criticism, or something more lasting? Exploring this might help bring clarity to what you need most right now—whether that’s reassurance, support, or even space to focus on your peace of mind.

At the end of the day, you deserve understanding and compassion—not ongoing criticism. Prioritizing your emotional safety is not selfish, even if it means standing firm in the face of negativity. You’ve already shown remarkable strength in navigating these challenges, and I believe in your ability to continue advocating for yourself.

anita

Dear Elizabeth:

It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into tonight’s conversation, and your plan to use “I” statements and focus on your needs is a great approach. Reassuring your husband of your love and framing your choice as something that makes the trip easier for him is both kind and thoughtful.

I know you’re worried about how his family will react and how he might handle it, but the Serenity Prayer can be a helpful guide here: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

You’re doing everything you can to express yourself clearly and set healthy boundaries. The rest—like his family’s reaction—is out of your control. Trust in your strength and wisdom, and know you’re handling this with grace.

Good luck tonight, and please let me know how it goes. I’m here for you.

anita

Dear Elizabeth:

Before I respond to your most recent post, I want to reflect on two things you shared about your in-laws that stood out as particularly cruel. The first is, “When my parents passed, I got NO cards or texts from anyone expressing condolences.” The second is, “One day when we were all visiting with FIL and MIL they were going on and on about SIL’s kids, how great they are, how much joy they bring, they don’t get to see them enough because they live far away, etc. I said, ‘You have a grandchild right here in front of you.’ The reply was, ‘Well, you know what we mean, our REAL grandkids.’ And no, my kid was not included in their wills at all, but the ‘real’ grandkids were.”

Offering condolences is such a basic act of kindness and decency—one that conveys care and support in someone’s time of grief. By not acknowledging your loss, your in-laws sent a hurtful message of indifference at a time when you deserved compassion. This lack of empathy disregarded your pain and left you isolated when connection and understanding were most needed.

The comment about your child not being a “real grandchild” is profoundly dehumanizing and invalidating. It dismisses your child’s worth and place in the family, undermines their sense of belonging, and disrespects you as a parent. Excluding your child from their will only further reinforces their rejection. These actions reflect more than thoughtlessness; they reveal a persistent pattern of disregard for basic respect and empathy. Your description of them as “Toxic In-Laws” feels entirely fitting.

I’m so sorry you experienced such hurtful and dismissive behavior. To be treated this way, especially while grieving or advocating for your child, is deeply painful. You deserved better—more compassion, inclusion, and basic decency—and it’s heartbreaking that this was denied to you.

And now, to your recent post: I want to say how much I admire the way you handled this incredibly tough situation. The clarity, thoughtfulness, and love with which you communicated your decision were remarkable. You set healthy boundaries in a way that was firm yet compassionate, striking the perfect balance between prioritizing your mental health and showing care for your husband and others involved.

What’s more, you modeled something so important: healthy assertion. By standing up for your needs while maintaining respect and openness, you showed your husband and child the power of balancing self-care with love and consideration for others. That’s a gift to your family—an example of strength and grace that could leave a lasting, positive impact.

I hope you take pride in how you navigated this situation, even in the face of ongoing challenges. It’s clear how much wisdom and courage you brought to this decision, and I believe you’ll continue to handle any residual triangulation with the same self-respect and poise. I’m here if you’d like to share more, vent, or just talk—I’ve got your back!

anita

Dear Elizabeth:

First off, I hope you feel deeply proud of yourself— your ability to model healthy boundaries and advocate for yourself and your child is truly inspiring. It sounds like you’re not only breaking harmful cycles but also empowering your kid to navigate relationships with clarity and self-respect. That’s such a powerful gift to give them!

Your advice to your child about in-laws is spot on and clearly comes from a place of hard-earned wisdom. It’s heartbreaking that you and your friends had to endure decades of difficult dynamics, but it’s remarkable how you turned those experiences into lessons that can protect and guide the next generation.

I also appreciate the thoughtful way you approached the wedding conversation with your kid. Asking for their input and ensuring they felt heard shows such care and respect for their perspective.

Finally, your reflection on your husband’s perspective is so poignant. It must be tough to see him holding on to an image of things as he wishes they were, rather than facing the reality of the situation. Your ability to stay grounded and focused on what’s true, even amidst these challenges, is truly admirable.

Thank you for sharing this with me. Your strength, wisdom, and compassion shine through in every part of your story.

anita